CurrentMom

The Dark Side of Motherhood

Yesterday, I learned of two moms who killed themselves this week.  They had a lot in common.   Each had four children, with nearly identical ages, ranging from preteen to seventeen years old.  Each was estranged from the father of her children.  And each loved her children dearly.    

Yet their worlds were miles apart.  One, Mary Kennedy, lived in New England and one, Tonya Thomas, lived in Florida.  One was older, wealthier, and a member of a famous clan.  One was younger and neither famous nor wealthy. 

As the wife of Robert Kennedy, Jr., Mary Kennedy’s struggles played out in the public eye.  She endured life with a husband battling a drug problem as well as her own battles with alcohol and prescription addiction.  Her husband had filed for divorce and allegedly taken up with a celebrity. 

Tonya Thomas’ struggles played out in private and in the court system.  Domestic violence was at the forefront.  In recent times, she endured repeated violence from one of her sons.  Years earlier, she was accused of battering the father of her children, and had later accused him of domestic abuse.   

They also differed in one other tragic way.  Mary Kennedy decided to kill herself and leave her children behind.  Tonya Thomas decided to kill herself and her children. 

I know that these women loved their children, but were in such despair that they were unable to think rationally.   Apparently, one thought her children were better off alive and grieving her loss.  And one thought her children were better off dead.  For some reason, I understand both mindsets. 

What I don’t understand is how we as a society let both women (and, consequently, their children) slip through the cracks.  Motherhood is not always about juggling kids’ homework, play dates and a career.  Some of us face serious domestic crises that could lead to despair.  Even if Mary Kennedy and Tonya Thomas suffered from preexisting mental illnesses, their family problems no doubt played a role in their deaths. 

I wish they could have received the help they so clearly needed.

--RH

Mothers Day and Cheating Dads

Therapy Tuesday

Photo by: www.chromoz.com via Flickr

Cheating isn't anything groundbreaking. Maybe it's not exactly the topic that a woman wants to think about, especially the week leading up to Mother's Day. So it's interesting timing that AshleyMadison.com is "reporting" that Park Slope is one of the most popular neighborhoods for cheating spouses. Closer to home, the same website reports that Washington, DC is the best city for cheating.

Yes, the same men that made these women mothers are the ones that potentially also make them single moms. In this affluent area of Park Slope, New York, where parenting is the ultimate competitive sport, the arrangement of parenting is what is considered to be the causal event of cheating.

A promise that we will also look at the flip side, because it is easy to assume that only men cheat. Let's try to look at some reasons why. Men might cheat because once their wives are busy with babies, there is less focus and attention given to them. The popular saying, "Two is company, three is a crowd" holds true in this case. Often, fathers feel unconsciously rejected by their wives, who are nurturing their babies, nursing them, and tending to their every need. Of course, this makes sense as this is exactly what involved in the early days of baby rearing. Logically, we all know that, but this dramatic shift, especially with the couple's first child, can be emotionally earth-shattering. It is hard to put words to this, as the feelings can be so dischordant with what men are "supposed" to feel about their child. Similar to their wives, they are supposed to offer unconditional love. And this is true, but at the same time, subtle resentment can be happening underneath. Women who might have been sexual and flirtatious in the early days of the couple are now tired with little energy.

I'm not trying to condone cheating. But merely to explain one origin. I'm also NOT saying that this occurs with all men.

But in the spirit of Mother's Day, let's look at women. Why might they cheat? Perhaps they feel bored, undesireable, or underappreciated by their spouse. Or they might be taking a fantasy too far. For women, cheating can begin much earlier than the physical act. The emotional connection can be all that is needed for true cheating to occur. And this emotional connection can produce the same type of guilt as physical cheating.

This is not exactly the conventional Mother's Day Post...perhaps just a reminder to value both members of the couple.

 

Emotions and Logic in Conversation

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: TaulPaul

Car trips can be interesting things. Spending time together as a family in a confined environment can bring out resourcefulness as well as frustration. Sometimes simultaneously by different people. Last weekend, we were stuck in a car for 4.5 hours: three adults, a 4-year-old, and the baby. On the way to our destination, my husband poked fun at me around a sore subject: buying a minivan. I was able to take it in jest, but I knew that there was some seriousness behind the joking.

Minivans are a point of contention between us. A big one. It seems like such an innocuous one, after all it's a car. But for me, it's the symbolism behind the car. It's a statement to the world: I am a Soccer Mom. And I mean no disrespect to anyone who has a minivan. They are utilitarian vehicles, especially when you have three children or need to cart around a lot of people. For some reason, this symbol is like cutting away at the identity that I've carved out for myself. I make to qualms pretending I'm cool. I'm not. By no stretch of the imagination am I cool. Yet, I cannot bring myself to even think about being behind the wheel of a minivan. I have friends who can empathize with me--they too have taken this side of the argument with their spouse. I have other friends who after protests, succumbed to buying a minivan, and they are now converts.

This is a lot of back story, as on the ride home, the jokes about minivans began again, and a serious conversation began. My point was that it would just pain me to have to drive one all of the time. I would be happy for it to be the primary car of my husband, but I just can't see that as my primary vehicle. He started to list the practical reasons for why it makes sense. We were at complete opposite stances, and not able to communicate. This caused a great deal of consternation and frustration for each of us. Later on, once we returned home, we were able to take a step back and talk.

I noticed that he was using logic, while my argument was based solely on emotion. We were at cross purposes as it was like we were speaking two totally separate languages. After pointing this out, we could look at our conversation. I articulated that I needed him to empathize and to say, "I hear that it would be a big change for you to drive this type of car." Similarly, he needed me to say, "I can hear that it makes sense on a practical level for us to buy this type of car." It is amazing how far a little translating can go!

 

Are You a Retrosexual?

Your girl Rogue has never been afraid to go retro, even referring to herself as a ‘housewife’ because, well, it most accurately describes her current life.  But she was nevertheless surprised when she tuned into the series premiere  of AMC’s Mad Men a few weeks ago only to witness the suave main character Don Draper fall for the most basic form of seduction from his hot new wife.  No we're not talking about her prancing around at a party singing "Zou Bisou Bisou."  Interestingly, he was turned off by that.  After he gave her the cold shoulder, she resorted to the pouty get-on-your-knees-in-your-sexiest-bra-and-panties and-angrily-scrub-the-floor routine.  Worked like a charm.  Or let's just say he responded in a very manly way. 

Rogue wonders if the male domination model really speaks to modern women.  It sure seems so. 

Just Keep Swimming...

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: (ariel)

Dori, from Finding Nemo, is a wise fish. The above is her advice. When she feels anxious, it becomes her mantra. When she is happy, it's her jig. It comes to my mind in this moment, as I write this, on a Tuesday morning, when my habit is to normally have this written and pre-posted the previous night.

Thankfully, I woke up early as I heard my husband come downstairs to make a bottle during the "night shift" of baby duty. Thinking I had a leisurely morning, I read the newspaper on my iPad and started to read a new book. Then it hit me: It's CurrentMom day, and I forgot.

Yup, my true confession. My life has gotten to a point, yet again, where I feel that I need to "just keep swimming." Yet at this moment, I'm not feeling like I'm about to drown, or that I'm too tired of treading water. In a way, this is miraculous, as I'm entering a period of some change. I'm altering my business model in my practice and I'm preparing to give my first seminar to colleagues next month. Doing only one of these endeavors would have been enough.

I'm not sure if I have any added wisdom today to impart. Maybe just thinking about the idea that sometimes, continuing to just move might be OK in and of itself. We hear from so many different sides about what we "should" do or how our life "could" look. These experts, friends, and family say so with authority and hopefully, from a helpful place. As I think more about it, is it always welcome and helpful? Even my writing the word "always" belies the fallacy: things are so rarely cut and dried as in "always" or "never." So a second confession, I'm not immune to wanting to be an expert helper.

Today, take my words with a grain of salt. Or not. Keep swimming, or not. After all, what might today be like if it's coming solely from you, without input from others?