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Exhale

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn

A few weeks ago, I was invited to my first professional event where I received swag. It wasn't as glamorous as a movie premiere, but I'm still psyched about the swag. I went to see Dr. Norman Rosenthal talk about his new book: Transcendence. Dr. Rosenthal is an expert in Seasonal Affective Disorder (he coined the diagnosis) and has recently turned his eye towards meditation.

He writes about a type of meditation: Transcendental Mediation. This is one of many ways to meditate, but this technique has been repeatedly empirically validated by the scientific method. Enter Dr. Rosenthal, who conducted a literature review of the science behind this technique. Consistently, he found if practiced faithfully (twice a day for 15-20 minutes each time), TM changed people's physiology (both mind and body).

My first exposure to TM was nearly 10 years ago when my mother learned it. I admit, there were many family jokes when she went off to meditate. I inherit my anxiety honestly, and it has been incredible to see the change in her. She is able to curb her anxiety, feel renewed at the end of the day, and tackle the stress of her work (an event planner). So I figured, why not try it myself? (This is where the swag comes in).

As part of the dinner I attended where I heard Dr. Rosenthal speak, every participant was given a free course in TM as well as Dr. Rosenthal's book. So with nothing to lose, I decided to go for it now. I've almost completed the 4-day introductory course, and I can say that that exponentially, there is something to this.

Here's a perfect example: I had gotten very little sleep Friday night, yet had a full day on Saturday (thank you darling daughter...). We had dinner plans in the evening with friends (an amazing feat!) but by 5pm, I was exhausted. I retreated to my room, sat down, practiced TM for 20 minutes. At the end, I felt energized and ready to go out. Without a nap, rest, or anything longer than a 20 minute meditation. If this can help me survive my infant, I'm all on board!

My thought to share is during this busy season, don't forget to give a gift to yourself. While it doesn't have to be TM per se, some tool for restoration can go very far.

Five Ingredients for a Sane Thanksgiving

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn

[The following is a vignette, and does not depict an actual person]

It's the time of year when I see the common themes of dread and despair--must be the holidays! That's the time when we celebrate with loved (and tolerated) ones and profess to be happy with our lives. At least in the first ten minutes. Then somehow, our buttons get pressed, and we are counting the minutes until it's time to go.

An example is a client of mine, Mindy. She's a working professional with a family of her own. But when she returns to her family of origin, it's as if she's 13 again. She feels self-conscious, lacking in ability, and dumb. This is such a contrast to the woman I see: confident, respected in her workplace, and very intelligent. She describes being with her mother as, "being stuck in a time machine. I know I'm not that girl anymore, but somehow, she comes back with a vengeance."

Does this sound familiar? So rather than loathe and retreat this holiday season, come to your feast ready with emotional armor to protect you...and perhaps even lead to an enjoyable meal!

First, set your expectations. Are they realistic? Sometimes, when we are sure we know what is going to happen, we can change our reactions, which alter the entire dynamic. An example, if a parent makes a critical remark, rather than engage, you can reply in a neutral way, "I'll take that under advisement."

Second, know your limits. If your family starts to really get to you after two days, do you really need to stay with them for three?

Third, establish boundaries. Be clear on your schedule, and what you will tolerate emotionally. No one has a right to be bullied. 

Fourth, take it in stride. Remember, this is a festive season.

Fifth, don't find solace in food. Rather than eat your emotions away, take a walk. Call a friend. Food inevitably adds to troubles, it doesn't take them away.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

What's Going on in Working Moms' Beds?

Work Wednesday

One of my favorite treats is reading The New York Times in bed. But I wasn't thrilled with the Times' recent piece on what's going on in working moms' beds. It's not what you think, though. It's about what's not going on. In this case, sleep.

The article by Pamela Paul, Sleep Medication: Mother's New Little Helper, focuses on a half-dozen 40-something moms who lie awake at night "debating and categorizing the details of working motherhood." (There are a few moms quoted in the article of indeterminate occupational status but almost all of the women mentioned have careers and kids.) They worry about everything from permission slips to client e-mails to schedules to "worrying about the worry." And they pop all kinds of pills and seek all sorts of sleep therapies to get through the night.

I know first-hand that motherhood, especially in the early stages, rocks your sleep patterns. (The memory of nearly all-night breastfeeding sessions still makes me want to cry.) Sleep studies show that there are many women, not just moms, who suffer from insomnia, especially as they age and hormonal changes kick in. Nevertheless, I found the Times emphasis on working moms' "maternal unrest" unsettling.

Why? Mainly because of the "Let's the blame the working moms" undertone in the Times report. Midway through the piece, the author declares - based on slim anecdotal evidence - that the reality of modern parenthood is that "it is the mothers who keep themselves awake."

Then, there's the less-than-helpful quote from Dr. Myer Kryger, a sleep expert, who proclaims that women "'are really paying the price in sleep for their current role in society.' Given their often-dueling roles as both a breadwinner and primary caregiver, 'they have way more problems with insomnia.'" I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with Dr. Kryger's observations.  Revert to our historical roles?

And finally, there's Dr. Shelby Harris, another sleep expert, who asserts that a lot of women are sleepless because they don't "prioritize." Really? And men do?

I feel a lot of sympathy for women who suffer from sleep deprivation, but I'm skeptical that the problem stems solely from their "perfectionism" (the Times' word) or their psyches. The Times does mention other causes, such as the creep of technology into the bedroom, but it doesn't talk about phsyiological factors or the impact of the  "second shift" on women's wakefulness.

As for me, I am so exhausted each night from my multi-tasking days that, usually, once I manage to get myself to bed (often much too late), I sleep, and I sleep soundly. Very soundly. My problem isn't falling asleep or staying asleep. It's mainly, as my husband can attest, waking up in the morning!

CurrentMom readers, are you able to sleep through the night or are you awake in the wee hours? What's your strategy to cope with sleep deprivation?

Photo by PHOTONES_TAKUMA via Flickr.com.

 

Finding Your Village

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn

The year of my high school graduation, a book came out amongst a lot of fanfare: It Takes a Village written by then First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton. Her sentiment is that children grow best when there are many to tend to them. Many sociologists and psychologists also hold this world view, as children are not raised in isolation or even under solely the close watch of immediate family. 

The older family model, where one parent worked (normally the father) and the other stayed at home to raise the children (typically the mother) has given way to both parents working outside of the home. The traditional style family still had a village: at least as long as the children went to school. There entered the principal, teachers, and other kids that began to impact their children's world views.

Who is in your village? Certainly, having one is helpful to raise children. I would argue that the premise extends to each of us. We all deserve a team of people standing behind us, ready to assist when life gets hard or we have fallen. Even if you don't live near relatives, you can still have a village. Start with your physician. Don't have one? Time to find one. And make that physical appointment. Enlist the help of some peers or friends. They can be other moms, childhood friends, or people that you meet going about your life. Connect with something: a religious organization is a great place to start. Not religious? Find a walking group, book club, or topic that you are interested in. Like minded people will follow.

Once your village is in place, check to see who might be there for your children. A godparent? Gymnastics instructor? Who are the role models that you are selecting for them? Who do they select for themselves? Villages are amazing things as they can give you the support you need even when you don't think you have it in you to continue. I know that my village was made of expected and unexpected people. When things were awful, I was surprised by who stood by me and who rose to the occasion.

 

Bed Rest and Broomsticks

Fatherhood Friday

Assuming everyone does their part in the proscribed time, TNH Guy and The Wife will be adding a third bundle of joy to a testosterone-filled home. (The topic of family expansion plans beyond the way-too typical Core Fore of mom, dad & two kids will be addressed in a future posting.)

I think my wife will agree that we have a fairly equitable distribution of household tasks. We often joke around that we operate by the committee system -  For example, she's the chair of the laundry & inside cleaning committee, though I'm a committee-member; I chair the outdoors maintenance committee, while her place on that committee is constantly evolving. And we co-chair the boys' scheduling committee.

As we move towards the arrival of boy #3, the committee system has been thrown for a loop. The doctor just prescribed "modified" bed rest for the wife. Generally, this means resting as much as possible, but its okay to get up for necessities, like meals.

Nonetheless, this has led to some disagreement over interpretation. The wife, a driven professional and awesome mom, feels that "modified" means finding just where the line of acceptable exertion is and going pretty close to it. I feel it means she should chill out and let me take over chairing, and sole membership of, all of our committees.

Now, I understand that this is difficult for her. She doesn't want to be sitting around watching scenes unfold where she's normally a protaganist. And I know that I can't replace her on certain committees; there is no way I can clean the kitchen as well as she can. (Even though I don't do a bad job.) She also has some feelings of guilt that a lot more responsibility falls onto my shoulders.

This is where the partnership shows its colors. We are both sensitive to the physical and psychological needs of each other, especially during challenging times. We both need to remember that this is short term, we fortunately exist within a system of helpful family close by and bosses who offer flexibility and support and that when all is said and done this is just the beginning of the next phase in a great journey.

(Photo credit: http://www.exxonmobilchemical.com/Images/appliance-washing-machine-dad-son_220x220.jpg)