CurrentMom

Pouring on the Guilt

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: asleinbe

Shortly after a woman becomes a mother, she is hit with a new emotion: "mommy guilt." Mommy Guilt is like a super-sized version of guilt, only especially for moms. It doesn't discriminate between working moms, stay-at-home moms, soccer moms, etc. It is an equal opportunity emotion.

It creeps up on you. Even when you think you've vanquished it to the far regions of your mind, it can sneak up on you when you least expect it.  And it's not all bad. Sometimes, it can even serve a purpose.

The other day, my son started to complain of a "headache" (which for whatever reason, is his word for fever). He had a slight temperature--nothing to write home about, so we gave him Tylenol. The next day was a school day and I had two choices: a. follow the school rules (24-hours fever free) and keep him home or b. send him to school as I had a conference. Without much hesitation, I was going with choice a. Most of the time, the slight fever is nothing, and he's fine. Enter the slight flicker of guilt, as I knew this was not the "right" thing.  But then at 3:30 in the morning, he was up and his fever had hit full-blown. Choice "a" was now out the window. Guilt resolved.

OK, that wasn't exactly the most stunning example. What about when you are only half-listening to your child? Or when you go out on the weekend and do something for yourself? Or when you stay at work--just a little later so that you can actually complete something?  This is how the guilt creeps in. Another one that I'm sure most of us relate to: the "not-so-perfect" dinner in order to satiate a toddler (I was guilty of that one this evening).

For the everyday examples, the Mommy Guilt isn't so consuming. It's what happens when it has time to merge with other thoughts. It tends to then grow. The antidote to mommy guilt? Other moms--to share your guilt with. Inevitably, someone does something that tops your episode of guilt.  Or for a surefire way to ease the guilt, watch one of the "reality" tv shows like Real Housewives or Big Rich Texas.

What is your Mommy Guilt around?

Snow and Fog

Truth Thursday

I am writing my annual dead-of-winter column much earlier than usual this year. Perhaps that is because everything this year is a bit unusual.

Recently I was driving through our local urban park – a lovely way to cross the county and enjoy the drive on the way to the ice skating rink. We had had a very small snow and ice storm a few days earlier, and the banks of the road where the daffodils will cluster in the spring are now covered, appropriately, in white.

But the amazing thing about this drive was that we were also covered by a blanket of fog.

I usually associate fog with warm, misty weather. And while the temperature was hovering in the 30s, it was clearly on its way to warming up. Again. We have had a mild winter this year, a wonderful antidote to the past two years where our region has lived through snowpocalyse and months of unending bitter cold.

Today, as I look outside my window, the winter sun simply cannot help itself and it’s breaking through the drear, as it has been all winter long. The temps are supposed to rise to the mid-50s.

I’ll take it.

Another bit of unusualness this winter is the feeling of lightness and joy I’ve been experiencing. By mid-February, I am usually stewing in a sun-deprived funk, feeling fallow and blue. Even my mid-winter birthday, buffeted by the deep reds and pinks of Valentines Day, generally can’t get me past the feeling of sadness that comes over me as I watch our barren yard succumb to snow and ice and cold.

The Interminable Waiting Game

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Dalo_pix2

I'm noticing that winter tends to be a season of waiting. Waiting for the weather to warm up or the days to get longer. Waiting for colleges to let you know if you should start making plans. Waiting for school to end and summer to begin.

I just got to experience waiting by proxy. The kind of waiting that I think is the most difficult of all: waiting for test results. The kind of waiting where you eagerly want the phone to ring, and simultaneously, are afraid of who might be on the other line. Waiting to hear "all clear," and yet being afraid to hope for that too much, less you jinx it (as if things actually work that way). What made this waiting a little more tough was that they weren't even MY results, but my mom's.

I got a call last week from my mom letting me know that at her doctor's appointment, there was a lump in her breast that was detected. Her doctor used a syringe to see if it was a cyst, and if it was, there would be liquid coming out. The syringe was inserted, but there wasn't any liquid. The next step was to get a biopsy. This would determine what kind of mass it was: benign or cancerous. I was able to be calm while on the phone, although I flashed back to my own waiting for results. I tried to mention this in a way to be in concert with her during this waiting. To protect myself from one of life's biggest fears (death), I wrapped some emotional distance from this news and put it "away."

Fast forward to Monday morning. I was getting my kids ready for the day, and the phone rings. It's my mom. I had forgotten that today was "Result Day" and I answered the phone. In an upbeat voice, I heard. "I just got the results back. Everything is fine. They are just going to monitor me." Three sweet phrases! As I was talking to her, I could feel my eyes well up with tears. The distanced emotion was raging full force! In that moment, I could feel what I almost lost. And I am grateful for this extra time found.

Stress in America

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by:  bottled_void

Last week, the American Psychological Association released their annual survey looking at our Nation's pulse. Literally. The study is geared towards assessing America's Stress levels.  Where do we stand? The good news: stress hasn't risen much in the last year, despite continued economic uncertainty, political unrest, and all the rest that this country is dealing with. In fact, the survey showed that we only feel we have an average of slightly above healthy levels of stress. The study also showed that stress is linked to our physical well being.

So that's well and good. But how do we identify stress? What is it? Stress is something that is part of our lives. We need it. This "good" kind of stress is called eustress. It is what helps us achieve and push ourselves. It's why we study for exams. Or feel a little nervous before a presentation. When stress becomes too much, it's "bad" stress or distress. That is the stress that the survey is looking at. And it's this kind of stress that I'm referring to.  

By some people's measures, I should feel stress: after all, I'm balancing raising two children (one of whom is a baby), my own business, dealing with others emotions on a daily basis (the nature of my job), financial pressures, parents growing older, etc. But I don't feel burdened by stress. Let me take that back: mostly, I don't notice it. But I was really aware of it over the holidays.

It just felt like everything was going quickly, and I couldn't keep up. I felt like things were slipping through the cracks and I was missing things. I actually enjoyed the days off that I took--where things basically stopped and there weren't expectations of me. In those moments, I realized that I was stressed--at least by comparison.

That's when I needed to figure out how to take care of myself. So I learned and practiced daily meditation.  I only get done what I can do. I try to protect my sleep. I attempt to eat well. Of course, I don't ALWAYS get it right. So I try to allow that to be OK. I also try to let people know when I'm feeling overwhelmed...small examples such as when I am in the middle of doing something, and I'm asked to do something else, I try to acknowledge that I'm at my limit (if I am) and I can get to the other task when I'm done. Again, easier said than done. But I am enjoying being a work in progress.     

How do you deal with your stress? When are you able to figure out that it's too much?

What's Your Resol-You-Tion?

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Noelle Buske

Happy New Year. I promise that this won't be another thing that chirps around the idea of a resolution. This won't be about those 10 vanity pounds that you want to lose. Or the promise that you made to yourself to be more involved at your kid's school. This is not about a superficial resolution, that tends to get broken about a quarter of the way through the year, despite good intentions.

No, this is about you. You are your core. Your fundamental self. When was the last time you did an inventory about what you like and dislike about yourself? (Again, I'm not talking about those vanity pounds). These are the difficult things to change. Those things that tend to linger, because they take real work to do something about.

This is the kind of resolution, or resol-YOU-tion that I'm talking about and the type that I'm working on myself. Not taking the people that I love for granted. Touching base. Being vulnerable and intimate. These aren't easy things, especially if recent patterns indicate otherwise.

These are core aspects, and changing them usually involves enlisting help. This help can come in multiple forms: if you are able, professional help is ideal (and doesn't mean that you are crazy). Otherwise, asking a spouse, close friend, or relative to point out (in a way that you can hear and tolerate) when you are acting with old patterns. This requires some pre-thought: what do you need so you can hear the cue so you can change your behavior? Sometimes, a random seeming word helps, so that defenses don't surround you like armor.

Resolutions are supposed to make us happier. They are measurable and time limited (lasting within a year or some goal-oriented date). They are helpful in reaching smaller and more superficial kinds of goals. I use the word superficial because they tend to be things that we are able to share with others without feeling threatened by doing so. Resol-YOU-tions are changing internal parts of you that might not be obvious to those around you. They are slow to alter. But they also bring happiness.

What are your Resol-You-tions?