CurrentMom

Parting Ways

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn

"All good things come to an end."  

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."

The Long Goodbye...

As tried and true as these phrases are, there is a reason that they endure. Something humans are innately poor at is saying goodbye. We avoid it, we deny it, or we convince ourselves that it's just "see you later."

There is something final about goodbye. And our goodbyes build on one another throughout our lives. There is an aspect to parting that is akin to a loss. Perhaps its temporary in terms of timing, or more permanent. (By the way, loss doesn't have to equate to death, although those are very deep losses that we feel).

We lose something when we part ways. It might be company, memories, fun, or something else. Yet we also gain. Saying goodbye can mean emotionally paring down of who matters to you. And not all goodbyes must be sad or fill us with longing. Sometimes, we can't wait for goodbye (like leaving a job that we have not enjoyed, or family that we don't get along with). No matter the reaction, goodbyes are telling.

So why is it important to make a deal of goodbyes? For the superstitious there is the rationale that you might not see that person again. For the sentimental, it might be getting your feelings across. Both of these positions can be potentially vulnerable. Human beings don't seek out to be vulnerable. It's uncomfortable to say the least. I would argue that saying goodbye helps to neutralize feelings of loss and to normalize them. It allows us to practice being uncomfortable (even for a second) so that we have tools to call on when the goodbye is of a more permanent nature.

It is in the spirit of goodbye and wanting a definitive ending that I let you all know that this is my last post as a regular contributor for CurrentMom. I'm leaving open the possibility of being a Guest Blogger, but in looking at my schedule, I am unable to continue regularly blogging. I have enjoyed (as I hope you have) blogging and my forays into the blogosphere. Hopefully my words have been helpful in some way.

I wish everyone a peaceful holiday and a wonderful new year. 

Let's Make a Date

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn

Date Night. Two easy words that constitute really wise advice. How many couples actually follow it? Last summer, world divorce rates were released per 1000 people. Guess where the United States ranked? First. Not really something we want to be proud of, but for every 1000 people, 4.95 of them divorce.

That's where Date Night can come in. Time to be alone with your spouse. To have uninterrupted time together to reconnect, rediscover one another, and just enjoy the relative quiet. Date nights don't have to be expensive (or even occur at night!) Using creativity, and even sites like Groupon, can lead to some fun and out of the box ideas.

After the birth of my second child, I felt fairly overwhelmed. I had little time for myself, let alone my husband and I. Recently, we committed ourselves to date night. Our aim is once a month, and hopefully, we'll be better (but that all depends on child care, of course!)  A few recent dates: Trapeze School, movie, and partner yoga. We try to do things that will get us talking (OK, movie was the exception) and can spark conversation beyond parenting.

That's one of the cardinal rules of Date Night: Little talk about the kids. Yes, you both have them in common. Yes, you both love them, and they are adorable, but they aren't sexy, and they don't remind you of the foundation of your relationship prior to their existence. One day, your kids will be gone, and you'll be left with your spouse. Regular date nights help to keep this a vibrant connection rather than just one based on co-habitation or co-parenting.

We live busy lives. But date night is worth its weight in marriage gold.

What have you done for date night?

Thanks

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn

Recently on Facebook, I noticed that friends of mine had posts that started with "Day 15: I'm grateful for..." For the month of November, they diligently have been posting about what they are thankful for. Perhaps its practice for the Day of Thanks or just an exercise in being more mindful.

Obviously, we don't need Thanksgiving to spend a day (or several hours) being thankful. But it serves as a cue or a reminder that there is importance in not only feeling grateful, but sharing and identifying what it is you are thankful for. Some days, this can be a tall order.

Is there a point to gratitude? Does it do something for us? According to Joel and Michelle Levey's article in the Huffington Post, there is something to be said for gratitude. Other research points to fewer physical ailments and better emotional health when the practice of gratitude is applied.

How does one even practice gratitude? Before going "all in" and changing your habits drastically, there are some "baby steps" you can try and you can then see how practicing being thankful impacts your everyday life.

--Make the Decision: feeling gratitude begins with your attitude.

--Start Slowly: Say "Thanks."

--Practice Random Acts of Kindness (Examples might be: Opening the door or paying for someones toll/coffee.)

--Challenge Yourself: Keep a journal (once a week, daily--you decide the frequency) or post to Facebook. Try to stick with this practice regularly for a set period of time. (Ex: Once a day for the month of December)

--Start with Yourself: Be good to yourself. Start by breathing for a few minutes or giving yourself a small amount of alone time.

How do you say thanks? What are you thankful for this holiday season?

Are You Ready for Some Football?

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Julie Bindeman

It's that time of year...football season. And whether you like the game or hate it, it is undeniable that it is an American obsession. Weekends across the country are dominated by football. On Fridays, it's high school. Saturdays is college, and Sunday and Monday night is Pro.

For many people, it is difficult to understand the appeal of the game. Eleven grown men running around a field trying to knock the life out of the others?  It's a scary "sport" and even being a fan isn't necessarily a safe past time. Recently, headlines in the news cited the dangerousness of football, long after one retires. Concussions, dementia, and early death are just some legacies of a Pro.

Concussions are a scary thing. They can be innocuous. Symptoms can be subtle. Guidelines are sporadic and there aren't any comprehensive ones in place. Locally, in Maryland, legislators had seen possible regulations around the idea of "returning to play"--when a player is eligible to go back to the field. In many high schools, this occurrs when a medical professional "clears" them. This is where the difficulty comes: what factors do you look at to "clear"?  Behavior? Physical symptoms?

Concussions occur when the head gets hit, sending the brain, which is encased in fluid, rocking against the skull.The initial aftermath can vary: someone can feel disoriented, dizzy, they may pass out, or a variety of other symptoms. Because the brain is fragile, this shaking can have long-lasting impressions. Multiple concussions have a likelihood of causing emotional dysregulation and can even led to suicide, when no signs seem to indicate this outcome.

With all of this danger, why does the sport continue to thrive? I think that the simple answer is that football is the American modern equivalent to gladiators fighting. The Roman Coliseum has long been closed, but every Sunday, in a stadium with cheering crowds, men go in to do battle. Just like in Roman times, these mass spectacles enable the masses to have an acceptable place in which to be aggressive. In some ways, it is the proximity to greatness that is so alluring. The athletic feats that some of these men accomplish are truly inspiring.

Most of us live ordinary lives, with little excitement or glamour, and most of us are perfectly content to settle into our average-ness. It is things like football, celebrity gossip, or things of the like that allow us to step out of the mundane and for a few moments, live a different life, even if most of it occurs in our imaginations.

 

To Spank or Not to Spank

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Julie Bindeman, Psy-D

The controversial question: should you spank your child gets some more input. Recent research, reported by the LA Times, shows a correlation between childhood spanking and an increase of mental health issues as an adult.

Alright, this isn't exactly groundbreaking research, and perhaps is just logical. And then there is the other side...the "I was spanked, and I turned out OK." How many of you who were spanked as children continue the habit to the next generation?

What good does it do? What does spanking actually teach? I would suggest that one thing spanking teaches is that it's OK to hit. What a confusing message to a toddler who learns constantly at school that it is NOT, in fact, OK to hit. But it's alright for mommy and daddy to do it when they are angry? How does that get explained?

My husband likes to say, "They are a third of your size: if you can't figure out a way to get what you want without hitting them [your child] then you don't deserve to win the argument." Point to him (and that really chagrins me to admit that.)

So why do parents continue to spank? What is the rationale? For some it is about control, or lack of it. In a fit of emotion, it is the only way they feel they can convey the message to their child. In terms of modeling, what is modeled is that spanking is an acceptable response to intense emotion. For others, it's a lack of other kinds of parenting tools in their toolbox. They go from asking their child to do something, the child refusing, to spanking. I've worked with kids who get spanked in these circumstances, and they tend to be angry with short fuses. Imagine what happens when their fuses are lit...yes, they act out physically.

Fortunately, you don't have to be a spanker. There are wonderful parenting courses and workshops out there available to help manage your emotions. Often times, these workshops are very reasonably priced (Under $40, depending on location).  In the Washington area, I recommend PEP (Parenting Encouragement Program) to parents that I work with.

What are your thoughts on spanking?