CurrentMom

The Art of Doing for Yourself

I am known as "the triplets' mom." This is not shocking, since I am flanked by three little ones everywhere I go.

My mom identity seems to overshadow everything. Like the fact that I love to bake and cook. Or that I'm a writer. Or that I'm from Detroit (and a die-hard Red Wings fan).

Likewise, when I meet someone new, she is introduced to me as "so-and-so's mom." I don't know what she does/did professionally, where she's from, what her interests are. These are the things that I would learn quickly pre-children. But now her identity, as is mine, is wrapped with her kids'.

That's how it was when I met Tara Coles. We lived on the same street and neighbors introduced her as a fellow mom of multiples (twins and an older daughter, and now a younger one as well). They failed to mention that she's also a practicing ER physician. An entrepreneur. And now, I've just learned, one of four semi-finalists for an International Moms in Business Grant for her start-up, ArtNest.

On the Job, It’s the Little Things That Count

Work Wednesday

A few years ago, my husband had a job that he hated. It seemed like every day he would come home in a depressed funk. I couldn’t understand it. The pay was good, the commute was short, the work was interesting, and his coworkers were nice. So what on earth was his problem? 

It started out as a few minor annoyances. Arriving at the main parking garage one minute after 8 a.m. meant having to park in a garage a half mile away.  Oh well. A little walk is good for the health, right? Then there was the absence of a water cooler. Employees had to supply their own bottled or filtered water if they wanted it. But there wasn’t enough space to store large bottles of water, and managing the “water club” dues was a bothersome task. 

Pretty soon, the minor annoyances coalesced into a tidal wave of bitterness and low morale.

Who's Your Hero?

Fatherhood Friday

Someone once told me that one of the greatest things about having kids is that you're their hero. In fact, I think a couple of people shared that observation with me. I don't know where I first heard it but I've really noticed it lately with my two-year old. I'm his hero.

When I come home at the end of the workday and he greets me like I'm a rock star, well, it rocks. The boss might have leaned hard on me, the wife might be upset with me because I still haven't called the handyman and the neighbors might be irritated because its been too long since I mowed the lawn. But no matter what I do (or don't do) I'm superman in the eyes of my two year old.

Of course, things change and as kids get older so does their notion of a hero. I imagine I was my eight year old's hero for a while too. But now he's discovered major league baseball and while I think he still counts me as a pretty cool dad, Prince Fielder has replaced me at the top of the hero list. 

The truth is, I can relate. My own hero evolution went something like dad to sports stars to rock stars to powerful historical figures to where I find my heroes today. I'm not sure exactly how to qualify who those people are but in general they can be defined by their imagination, creativity or passion or they are just really good people. To quote Abraham Joshua Heschel: "When I was young I admired clever people. Now that I'm old I admire nice people." 

Whoever my kids identify as heroes at whatever stage in life, I would encourage the idea of having heroes at all. People to emulate, learn from and inspire us. In fact, I would hope that they have many heroes along the way.

One person who I never thought of as a hero but I'm starting to rethink is Steve Jobs. Last week when I heard the comparisons to Thomas Edison I thought it was a bit much. Now, the more I think about it he may very well have been the Edison of our times.

Maybe its not correct to say he's a hero, as much as someone to admire. Ingenuity, perseverence, creativity, confidence, every experience is a life lesson. He created the iPad, iPod, the modern personal computer, the modern animated film and the entire music industry. Much to be said. But I think it was his commencement address to Stanford students in 2005 that really got me thinking. There are a lot of commencement addresses out there. I guess his has some added meaning these days. Check it out for yourself: http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

I think its one I'll save for my kids.

(photo credit: http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o87/SpaceNut_01/Meeting-Superman-2840-bst.jpg)

The Downside of Email

Image via Wikipedia

 

Work Wednesday

A lot of people prefer to use email as a workplace communication tool. Many people will tell you it simplifies things, is quicker and doesn’t leave a lot of room for prolonged discussion or debate like phone calls or  face-to-face communication do.  While this may seem to be true, these things are actually some of the downsides of using email for work communication.

I’m not an overly enthusiastic fan of the phone as a means of communication. I have a tough time figuring out how to get off the phone with people who aren’t good at recognizing the signals that end a conversation and I find phone interviews a little difficult. In a face-to-face conversation, I find it a lot easier to follow the natural tangents and still come back to the original conversation or talking points.

I used to think email was a good compromise because it allowed me to ask what I wanted to ask or say what I wanted to say, read the other person’s response and then follow-up with my thoughts. More recently, I’ve realized there are some significant disadvantages for using email for work related communication. 

• Email is emotionless. That means recipients are more likely to ascribe their own emotions to the message. In fact, in an article discussing how emotion is communicated (or miscommunicated) via email, Kristin Byron, a professor at Syracuse University’s Whitman School of Management, found that the inability to use nonverbal cues in email makes misinterpretation of the intended emotion much more likely. Recipients often interpret positive emails as neutral and neutral emails as having negative emotional connotations.

• People tend to drop the niceties in work emails. It’s very poor social etiquette to start a telephone or face-to-face conversation without a simple greeting or “How are you?” I’ve received a number of emails that jump right into “I need this from you” without even so much as a “Hi.” Even the emails I’ve sent that start out with some small talk sometimes seem stilted or as if I’m trying too hard to find a gentle way into a conversation.

• It’s not always easy to know when the conversation is over. I struggle with this and I’m sure others do too.  Once the meat of the discussion is complete, when do you stop the conversation? How many times do you have to email back a “thank you” before it’s too much?  What if somebody is expecting a response from you and you didn’t think it required one? This can easily lead to misunderstandings about your commitment to a project or whether you’re going to be a team player.

Ideally, face-to-face communication would be the best way to conduct business. Unfortunately, with global workplaces and a tremendous increase in telecommuting, that’s not always an option. There are a few thing you can do to help, though.

Summer Schedules: a Q&A With Laura Vanderkam

Work Wednesday

The family summer schedule is already looking scary, with June a veritable swiss cheese of field days, graduation ceremonies, field trips, concerts and celebrations. CurrentMom took the opportunity to ask Laura Vanderkam, author of 168 Hours: You Have More Time Thank You Think, how to manage the summer schedules when you're also working.

Summertime strikes fear into some parents' hearts, as schedules get totally disrupted. What do you suggest to keep summer from derailing your family's schedule? 

Hey, it’s summer! Try to change your mindset: it’s not a schedule disruption, it’s an opportunity for adventure! I’m only half kidding. If kids don’t have to be at school early, that may be an opportunity to stretch out your evenings with trips to an ice cream parlor or an outdoor movie. If you can leave work early on occasion, you have an opportunity to visit a nearby state park or the beach when it's not as crowded as the weekends. Sit down with your family and brainstorm activities that you'd like to try together this summer. While summer seems endless in early June, it's harder to savor than we picture, and it will be September again before we know it. 

Of course, you can take the concept of flexibility too far. Self-employed parents of school-aged kids have a particular tendency to hire less childcare than they need during the summer. Yes, you may be able to crank something out while the kids are watching a movie or playing in the back yard, but it's best not to count on it. That's not fair to your career or your kids. If you really need to focus on a work project, find or hire someone else who can focus on your kids during that time. 

How can you work with other parents to get kids to summer activities? 

If you have a carpooling schedule in mind that would work for you, seize the initiative. Call around to neighbors and say what you can offer and ask what they can do. If possible, look for activities in your neighborhood that kids can bike or walk to. It will help them get more physical activity in their lives. 

Why does vacation seem to merely displace work to the week before and week afterwards? Is there a way to truly unplug on vacation? 

Part of this is just the nature of work these days. Most of us aren't being paid to make widgets. We have areas we are responsible for, and these responsibilities don't go away just because we do. That said, you can try to manage your pipeline so nothing is scaling up just as you’re leaving. Trade off with co-workers on covering their vacations so they'll do so for you. If you're working solo, it may be worth asking a friend or someone else you trust completely to check your email while you're gone and phone you if there's anything truly important in there. That way, you won’t be wondering.

And a big part of truly unplugging is, frankly, getting over ourselves. Earth will not crash into the sun if we take a vacation. I didn't check email for 5 days on vacation recently, and yes, I missed an opportunity or two. But almost everything was still on the table when I got back. 

Any other advice on time management for parents?

Summer is a good opportunity for asking what we want to do more of with our time. At any given moment, it may be easier to stay home and watch TV. But that’s probably not what your memories of summer from childhood involve, and hopefully it won't be your children's memories either. We gain energy from doing things that are fun. You'll always be tired. So if something sounds fun, and you're tired, maybe you should do it anyway.  

Laura Vanderkam is the author of 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think (Portfolio, 2010) and Grindhopping: Build a Rewarding Career without Paying Your Dues (McGraw-Hill, 2007). She is a member of USA Today's Board of Contributors, and her work has appeared in Reader's Digest, Scientific American, Wired, The American, Portfolio and other publications.

Photo by goingslo via Flickr