CurrentMom

The Mommy Gospel

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Wonderlane

Periodically, it seems that motherhood was actually inscribed as a "how to" manual, like The Bible. Of course, there are many interpretations, and many devotees proclaiming that they have The Answers if you follow their lead.

An example is the much ballyhooed article from last week in Time magazine, "Are You Mom Enough?" The picture on the cover provokes opinions around how long one should breastfeed. Additionally, it presents The Gospel of Sears. Or one parenting "manual" that focuses on attachment parenting. 

The trouble with manualizing parenting is that there really isn't one way to parent. In fact, many parents find that they have to shift their paradigm with different children. But Parenthood, being one of the ultimate contact sports (or at least comparative sports) likes to focus on the black and whiteness of it all. The good vs bad. Us vs them. Hmmm, dynamics that many of us try to NOT instill upon our children.

A problem with parenting is that there is no instruction book. Although, I like the idea that the OB/mid-wife/person who delivers the baby forgets to give you the personalized leaflet that is attached to the placenta. One thing that seems to make sense is "Do little harm." The reality is that we will all give our children memories that they wish they didn't have. There will be moments when, in retrospect, our kids will wonder what we were thinking or how they ever survived. (After all, some of us didn't need a car seat until we were 13 years old...) 

In other generalized guidelines, "Follow your gut...or don't." Some of us are more intuitive about parenting, while others need something more concrete. As there is no one right way, you pretty much can do as you want. Obviously, keeping kids safe is a priority (I'm not advocating neglegence) but safety is up to interpretation.

During the first few months of life, parents are caught up in the minutia of it all. Each wrong turn can seem monumental. When in fact, it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things. Bottle vs breast; how long to breast feed; working vs staying at home; sleep training vs not; co-sleeping vs crib sleeping. So many choices, which boil down to: what works for each individual family. The caveat: what worked with your first child when you were a family of three might not be replicable as a family of four. We all get to create our own Gospel According to Mom.

S'Mores Pie -- There's Nothing Wrong with This!

Meal Monday

Honestly, I do put a lot of thought into the nutritional value and caloric content of my cooking. The fact that my son refuses to eat anything other than about ten items notwithstanding, I think we manage to eat healthily (notice the somewhat ridiculous semantic overreach to create an adverb to maintain strict grammatical correctness) most of the time.

However, there are a few things, call them comfort food, All American dishes, or whatever you want, that transcend all concerns about anything other than taste and fun. This dessert is one of them. There are undoubtedly many ways to make this and I can't imagine a single variation that wouldn't be delicious. So customize it however you like.

The Dark Side of Motherhood

Yesterday, I learned of two moms who killed themselves this week.  They had a lot in common.   Each had four children, with nearly identical ages, ranging from preteen to seventeen years old.  Each was estranged from the father of her children.  And each loved her children dearly.    

Yet their worlds were miles apart.  One, Mary Kennedy, lived in New England and one, Tonya Thomas, lived in Florida.  One was older, wealthier, and a member of a famous clan.  One was younger and neither famous nor wealthy. 

As the wife of Robert Kennedy, Jr., Mary Kennedy’s struggles played out in the public eye.  She endured life with a husband battling a drug problem as well as her own battles with alcohol and prescription addiction.  Her husband had filed for divorce and allegedly taken up with a celebrity. 

Tonya Thomas’ struggles played out in private and in the court system.  Domestic violence was at the forefront.  In recent times, she endured repeated violence from one of her sons.  Years earlier, she was accused of battering the father of her children, and had later accused him of domestic abuse.   

They also differed in one other tragic way.  Mary Kennedy decided to kill herself and leave her children behind.  Tonya Thomas decided to kill herself and her children. 

I know that these women loved their children, but were in such despair that they were unable to think rationally.   Apparently, one thought her children were better off alive and grieving her loss.  And one thought her children were better off dead.  For some reason, I understand both mindsets. 

What I don’t understand is how we as a society let both women (and, consequently, their children) slip through the cracks.  Motherhood is not always about juggling kids’ homework, play dates and a career.  Some of us face serious domestic crises that could lead to despair.  Even if Mary Kennedy and Tonya Thomas suffered from preexisting mental illnesses, their family problems no doubt played a role in their deaths. 

I wish they could have received the help they so clearly needed.

--RH

The Top Twelve Things I Learned from My Daughter's Bat Mitzvah

Truth Thursday

12.       It’s a lot more fun to plan a party to celebrate such a milestone when the honoree is excited and interested in the details. My daughter and we had a great time choosing everything from the invitations to the decorations to the food to the music. She created her own video and wrote her own poems honoring her family and friends. We dared not make a decision without consulting her – and we agreed on just about everything. 

When our oldest son had his bar mitzvah, he wanted to go to Israel to celebrate, which was a lot of fun and a wonderful family trip, but it didn’t have the same appeal (for me) as thinking about what color glow sticks would go with which tablecloth.

11.         Judaism is a very smart religion. You spend most of your child’s formative years helping them learn how to do everything – brush their teeth, tie their shoes, walk to school, do homework, play soccer, be polite, memorize their telephone number, not talk to strangers, bake a cake. The list can go on forever. All of this is done with support and a lot of hands-on assistance from parents.

But when a bat mitzvah girl walks up to the bimah to read from the Torah and deliver her teaching, it is almost as if she has been given her first wings to fly on her own. She has accomplished something remarkable, through study, hard work and a lot of dedication. And she is going it by herself. Anticipating that a 13-year-old can take this step and officially join the adult community is an example of Judaism’s appreciation of the life cycle and its wisdom around human nature.

10.         Life is about showing up. And those family members and friends who traveled far to be with us, taking time out of their busy lives, spending time, energy and money to travel, really showed up. There were many who couldn’t for many reasons, and we understand that too (especially the Brooklyn friend who had to prepare for President Obama’s arrival at her school!) But we are deeply grateful for the presence of those who we love who were able to come, even if we couldn’t spend as much time with each of you as we would have liked.

9.        It's very hard to shake off the shackles of everyday life and sit back and enjoy the moment. If you happen to plan events for a living, then it's quite possible that you will be jonesing to orchestrate every minute of what should be a party you are enjoying. You might be tempted to create a minute-by-minute program for the caterer, the DJ and the friends who are creating special moments for the evening. You might even feel that you should sit back and watch from behind the scenes to make sure nothing goes wrong. This should all be avoided if possible.

8.         Watching the children of your neighbors and friends grow up is a privilege and a joy. The same little girls and boys who used to splash around in our blow up swimming pool in the backyard are now taller than I am and were dancing up a storm with my own kids. I love sharing their lives with them and I will feel a little piece of me fly away when they each reach the moment when it’s time to move up and out of the ‘hood.

Where Working Moms Live . . .

Work Wednesday

For many years, if you asked me where I live, I would say, "Oh, just outside of Washington, D.C."  I would simply omit the name of the suburb where I live in favor of the Capitol City. Even now, after living outside of the city for nearly eight years, I'm sometimes reluctant to come clean about my suburban status even though I really like my town. I've always pinned my failure to fess up to my address on my unrealized (and perhaps, unrealistic) urban sophisticate aspirations.

Well it turns out, as a working mom, I may have been onto something. The National Partnership for Women & Families, in a newly-released survey of federal and state laws that help new and expecting parents take leave when a child arrives, gave the District of Columbia a B+ and Maryland a D-. The organization looked at  at categories such as paid family leave benefits, flexible use of sick days and workplace support for nursing mothers in coming up with its grades. Clearly, D.C. is on the right track but Maryland needs to do a lot better!

Of course, although family-friendly leave and nursing laws are critical for pregnant women and new parents, there are other factors that can make a place better or worse for working moms and their families. These include job opportunities, earnings potential, average commuting times and, of course, child care costs. Based on these factors, the entire Washington, D.C. metropolitan area (which includes the District where I work and the Maryland suburb where I live) has consistently made the top 10 in Forbes' annual rankings of best cities for working mothers. (In 2011, though, D.C. fell from number 2 to number 9 because of the high cost of living - and the extremely high cost of child care -  in the region.)

While I'm usually averse to lists, I agree with Forbes that the Washington, D.C. area is a great place for working moms if you're educated and earn enough income (either by yourself or with a partner) to offset high housing and other costs. (For low-wage working moms, especially single moms, the D.C. region is tough.) There are many different types of job opportunities (private sector, government, non-profit) that offer good compensation and lots of interesting, challenging work. (In fact, that might D.C.'s downside. All that work means that lots of people log long hours in the office!) But while laws and other objective factors play a large role in determining whether place is good for working moms, what's "best" is often subjective.  For me, Washington (and yes, that includes my Maryland suburb) is a great place to live and work because its filled with lots of intelligent and interesting working moms who inspire me every day.

How does the place where you live measure up for working moms? What factors matter most for you and your family?

Photo by jcolman via Flickr.