My Mommy Double-Standard

(Un)Tech Tuesday

A few weeks ago my daughter's school had a festival on Saturday. Since she is in Kindergarten and I haven't been terribly involved other than chaperoning one field trip, this was it. My first time to get a real feel for the other moms. Who gets involved? What's the 'mom-culture' here?

I admit to reading other parenting blogs of course, and hearing all about these communities where moms feel intense pressure to be all things to all people - chair PTA, chaperone events, make sure their little Suzie or Johnny is impeccably dressed and comes to school with all their homework - even if it means endangering the roadways speeding back to school when it gets left at home. 

So, you know what? I was feeling a bit nervous. After all, I am pretty much the anti-mom when it comes to that scene. I play video games about as much as my kid does, we watch shows and movies together most parents would probably wonder at my sanity for exposing my six-year-old to. ("Supernatural", anyone?!) I don't watch daytime TV, Deperate Housewives, and generally after a short while I have not much in common with many people. At least, not enough to go beyond making nice. 

I was prepared, though. I figured our neighborhood isn't prep school territory, but there are still some fairly well-off folks around and I thought given they would most likely be the volunteers, I was in for a clique of super-moms. I like to bake, so when the form came home two weeks before, I happily checked the box for bringing cupcakes and researched sugar-free cupcake and icing recipes. After all, having a diabetic child I certainly wasn't going to torture her with not being able to eat our own creations!

After a false start (because I can't read directions) we had twenty-four awesome home-baked and kid decorated chocolate cupcakes with vanilla cream cheese icing. I left the part about being sugar-free off my description but figured I'd tell whomever was in charge of that table in case it was actually a selling-point.

When I got there and saw the table of baked goods on offer I was frankly shocked. Ours were one of only a few home made offerings! So much for super moms I guess. 

One would think I was relieved, right? No crazy expectations for me - I wasn't living in some television-ready suburbia. But no, I wasn't relieved. I was actually upset. 

I'm not a super mom, and I know it. I should spend a bit more time with my daughter's homework after school, take her to the park more often and a few other things. I know I'm not alone in feeling that way, either. But really? In this mini-van, drive-thru dinner culture we live in parents can't even take the few hours it requires to make some actual food with their kids? True, baking is intimidating to some - so buy box mix and throw in the eggs and oil. Voila! I wasn't expecting everyone to have from scratch stuff on offer and truthfully if my sugar-free experiment had failed I'd have been running to the store for box mix, as well. 

I would not have run to the store for a pre-packaged selection from the bakery.

Call me a snob - maybe I am. I don't expect perfection from parents and I understand how crazy busy life can get. After all, I spent all day Thursday, Friday and half of Sunday on a jobsite with my husband. 

We had two weeks notice, though. Two weeks to plan a couple hours on a Thursday or Friday night to spend some hours in the kitchen whipping up one cake, or even just a dozen cupcakes. I fail to see how hard that is. If I can take time out of my hectic, self-employed life to commit to making some cupcakes I can't imagine living in a world where it's absolutely impossible. I don't want that life. 

Yeah, maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe these kids are better readers than my daughter, maybe they excel at whatever sport they were taking lessons for that night of the week. Maybe these parents are so busy being awesome at parenting they just don't have the time to squeeze home made sweets into the mix. 

I doubt it, though. And that makes me sad. I'll keep my line in the sand when it comes to the things that count. No, I don't have her in ballet, soccer and learning some instrument. I have time when I pick her up from school to actually make food from our refrigerator most nights. Healthy, home cooked meals, not box or bag throw-togethers. None of us are perfect and I don't want to live in tv-suburbia hell.

Would it be so bad to live in a world again where family time meant cooking time? Nope. Not in my book.

Photo courtesy of shimelle on Flickr (Yes, I did forget to get a picture of my own cupcakes! lol)

Comments

[Lyn]

Everyone's got their thing.

Some people want their kids to be "impeccably dressed" or have "all their homework" - which you think is overkill, apparently.

You want people to bake their own cookies for school events - which I think is overkill.

Chacun a son gout, yeah?

[Melody Bakeeff]

Exactly; I assume that means 'to each their own', anyway. ;-) I don't think it's overkill for the kids to be dressed well or have all their homework. I'm just not going to kill myself to make it happen *for* them when I'm not the one dealing with it beyond that moment. That's an entirely different post, though!

[Hisynth]

So this was a bake sale or a class festival? Pre bought stuff for a bake sale is just tacky.

[Karen]

Of course, there's also the possibility that some of the non-bakers are parents of more than one child. When you have two or three children, or more, the obligations, expectations and needs expand exponentially. And add to that the possibility that the moms also work full or even part-time out of the house. Between school, activities, religious school on weekends, piles of laundry and a million other family obligations, two weeks can easily slip by without a single window of opportunity in which to bake cupcakes. I would personally cut the store-bought moms a little more slack, knowing that by the time my third child made it to kindergarten, it was a miracle that he got to school at all. When I once wrote about the chaos of having three children, one of my readers responded by saying that for the first three years of her third child's life, that child thought her name was "get in the car." And while I prefer home baked goods at a bake sale myself, I also always tell myself that it's about supporting the school, and not the quality of the goods. When I can bake, I can. When I can't, I don't.

[Melody Bakeeff]

Hisynth - it was a school-wide festival with a 'cake walk' table. So I really can't answer that?! I considered it more a bake sale, but that's me.
Karen, I know at least a few of them were parents of multiple kids. Hilarious about the kid named 'get in the car'. :-)
I'm glad this has provoked discussion. My overall point was that we all draw our own lines in the proverbial sand. I choose not to have activities to take my daughter to and instead do things like this. Other people would happily shun cooking/baking to put their kid in activities. It's an individual choice and this is "my" double-standard. Not necessarily anyone else's!

[Lyn]

"It's an individual choice and this is "my" double-standard. Not necessarily anyone else's!"

Really? Then why did you say things like:

"I fail to see how hard that is. If I can take time out of my hectic, self-employed life to commit to making some cupcakes I can't imagine living in a world where it's absolutely impossible."

And you also refer to "the things that count" and then suggest that family time should mean "cooking time" ?

None of those statements in your post suggest that this is all about you just choosing different priorities than other parents. Saying, in essence, "if I can find time, why can't you to do [task X that I think is more valuable as family time than whatever task Y someone else thinks is more valuable]" is incredibly Judgy McJudgerson of you.

[Rogue Housewife]

Good post, Melody. You're also a good sport, as you probably knew you'd get ribbed about it.

Actually, Lynn and Karen noticed something in your article that I've noticed for years in various articles about motherhood. An author remarks off-hand about what's unimportant to her, or what's more important to her than something else, when it comes to raising children. Sometimes it makes the author come off as judgmental or, as you put it,"a snob." Most times, however, the author has an audience of like-minded people and usually just gets an "amen" from them.

Imagine if I wrote a similar post saying: "Really? In this mini-van, drive thru dinner culture we live in, why can't one of the parents take off a few years from work and provide a less stressful approach to parenting." I'd draw angry replies from this forum, but "amens" from one comprised of mostly stay-at-home moms.

I saw one article recently where a working mom essentially said, "I don't have to wear skinny jeans to prove something to others. I think I'm a great mom." Well, I'm surrounded by a bunch of moms who wear skinny jeans. I couldn't squeeze into any to save my life, but I probably would wear them if I were thinner. They're cool. I'm not jealous of the skinny jean wearers. Nor am I judging them for wearing them. I concluded that the writer of the article judged those women. Or had a bad case of sour grapes.

By the way, I liked the title of your post. You admit up front that you have a double standard about cooking for the family. We all have those. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I hate to cook! We live at the drive-thru window! --RH

[Violetfrosting]

I'm a little confused by some of the replies here. Particularly how if you have more than one child there's just way too much to do.

I fully appreciate busy. I have a full time job that is an 90 minute (each way) commute away, 3 kids, a dog and a husband who works shifts. It's certainly challenging, but if you actually volunteer for something, why would you then take the tacky shortcut? If you don't have time, or it's something you don't like to do then don't sign up.

I don't judge people for whether they like to cook or whatever and I have been both a working and stay-at-home mother, so I know that there are challenges with either, but I dislike laziness.

By the way - Hi Melody :)

[Melody Bakeeff]

Thank you, rogue housewife and you are correct - I admitted up-front it's a double standard and yes, I knew that those who would not be in the "amen" crowd would give some heck about it. Of course friends of mine are like-minded, but I realize that I do not actually cater to them on this blog! At least not until my friend here chose to comment over from another forum I mentioned the post in.

I have to also agree with you about the skinny jeans. What you wear has zero to do with parenting, imo, so the fact she can't fit into the skinny jeans sounds a lot like she's bitter about other moms ability to work out or something. No way I could fit into them, either, but that's all my problem! There's a real difficulty in deciding if what you are upset about is something you feel others can/should change for whatever reason or just something that makes you insecure.

Hi back at you, violetfrosting. :-) Glad you found this!

[Mel]

Due to increasing food allergies, many school districts now have a strict "no home preparation policy" meaning that all food has to be commercially prepared with ingredient labels included. Maybe some of these parents are transferring from those schools?

Personally, I'd rather they donate a store/restaurant prepared item then not participate at all.

As parents, we all have strengths and weaknesses. I wish we'd stand together more and stop picking each other apart. We judge ourselves too harshly!