A Mother's Day Ode to My Daughter's Other Moms

Truth Thursday

My just-about teenage daughter has the great fortune, at a young age, to have the benefits of other “moms” in her life who offer comfort, companionship, and safe and comfortable places to land when she’s feeling a bit at sea.

I wish I had had those when I was her age.

I am the daughter of a mother who decided to turn in her mothering duties earlier than anticipated … and chose to live separately from our family before I left for college, when I was 16 and when my sister was just 11, an experience that shaped me into a mother who is hyper-conscious of the role that moms play in a daughter’s life.

I also have the good fortune as an adult to be the daughter-in-law of a wonderful mother who kept her children in a loving and stable environment under challenging circumstances, and the stepdaughter of a kind woman who has, for many years, generously and lovingly worked to strengthen the bonds between my family and hers.

In other words, I have had several mothers in my life, all of who have taken different shapes and forms. And for that I am grateful.

There is nothing like having a surrogate mother when your own mom is either too close (because you are a 12-year-old-girl), or not close enough, or not present at all.

As for my daughter’s “other” mothers. The first is my next-door-neighbor. She and I, close friends, essentially function as landing pads for each other’s families. The keys to each other’s houses sit in easily accessed places so that the children can always ring the bell if they’ve forgotten theirs. We have gone on trips together, and our kids are all like siblings – except they really like each other and so the fighting is mitigated. She and I rely on each other for parenting advice, work advice, and just advice in general.  We definitely feel like each other’s alternate families, and it is a lovely and loving relationship for all of us to have.

My daughter’s other second mother lives down the block. She is the mother of my daughter’s two really, really good friends, and she and I also have a close friendship forged in the trenches of parenting our girls together. One of the things I most appreciate about my friend is that, given that she has twin girls my daughter’s age, they are almost always going in the same direction all the time, unlike our family, where, with three children three different ages, we are just an inch short of spinning out of control in multiple directions.

And because my friend is truly generous of spirit, there is always room for my daughter in my friend’s car, at her dinner table, on outings to the pool, the library, the skating rink. Even her own mother has adopted my daughter as one of her surrogate grandchildren.

My daughter truly thinks of my friend as her other mom. She and her friends drape themselves across the couches and futons in the twins’ house and share secrets and giggles and boredom and homework and sports achievements and secret crushes and life. My friend reports back to me as best as she can, for she has the advantage of the conversations taking place on her home turf. But my daughter also knows that anything said down there in confidence will stay confidential – and therefore she feels completely safe and secure in the care of her other family.

There have been moments when I have been asked if I am jealous of my daughter’s relationship with the mom of her friends. On the contrary, I am grateful beyond belief for it. I know that there is a person to whom my daughter can turn when she has a problem or a question or just needs another adult who is not her parent.

There is a now-hackneyed saying that “it takes a village to raise a child.” Trite and overused though it may be, it is certainly true. I rely on my village – which includes my neighborhood, my synagogue, my colleagues, my friends, and everyone else who moves within the arcs of my circles – to help me on this parenting journey.

My daughter’s other mothers will hopefully fill the gaps in information when I don’t have or know the answer. They will be there to answer embarrassing questions that my daughter doesn’t want to ask me. They will let her sleep over if she’s feeling mad at her family, or just in need of a friend. They are her chain of support – and additional sets of eyes for me when I need a little help understanding my daughter.

Together, we will raise my daughter. Together, we will watch her, support her, cheer her on and love her.

So on this Mother’s Day, I salute my daughter’s other mothers – and send them love and gratitude for all they do to help me raise her.

 

 

 

Photo by Arlen:J via Flickr

http://www.flickr.com/photos/digitalslurp/495268265/sizes/m/in/photostream/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[TK]

I, of course, love this post! As you know, the house I grew up in was the home base for so many of my friends and my mom the 2nd mom for too many kids to count. Calling up another hackneyed saying.....I'm just paying it forward :-). I couldn't ask for a better addition to my family than your beautiful (and I mean that in the broadest sense of the word!) daughter.

[Ilir Zherka]

This is a new way of thinking for me. I had my older siblings who were like my second mother and father. I'm not so sure my kids have adults like this in their lives. This post makes me think they should. . .

[Linda Keely]

"Together, we will raise my daughter [and my daughter, and your sons, and my son, and all the daughters and sons we touch!]. Together, we will watch her, support her, cheer her on and love her." AMEN!!

[Mom3ckz]

This is a beautiful post, and I agree with you about the blessings other women can be in our daughters' lives. Sadly, this was the case between myself and my best friend's daughter and, instead of feeling blessed, she felt jealous. She is not speaking to me after finding out that her daughter was turning to me for a shoulder to lean on. Please, say a prayer for our relationship. Our daughters and sons are also best friends.