Truth Thursday
I was recently having a conversation with a colleague, whom I admire and respect, about an idea I had for making some staffing changes. He was intrigued by my idea, and noted that, despite my appearing to be really nice, a team player and someone who wants everyone to get along, I am also a savvy and creative force with which to be reckoned and should not be taken for granted.
I like it!
I have spent my entire work life struggling with the issue of gravitas. Of bemoaning being too young when I was young. Of wondering whether I am really doing a good job, or whether I am just pulling the wool over people’s eyes. Of whether I am an imposter.
Back in the mid-80s, when I was just starting out in the work world, I had a boss who was a typical power dresser of the time – she wore boxy suits with little floppy bow ties, and walked to work with tube socks and Reeboks over her nude stockings and then changed into practical navy blue pumps. She was tough minded, difficult to work for, and no one in our non-profit women’s organization liked her. My friends all wondered how I could stand it.
But work for her I did. One of the things I most disliked about being her lackey was that she insisted I read business books in my spare time. I think she was trying to mentor me. The books she touted were spewing the theories of the day about women in the workforce – how it was important and look and act like a man, how women need to be strong and tough, and how many women (including yours truly) suffered from what was called “the imposter syndrome.”
The imposter syndrome, according to Wikipedia, is a "psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be." It was thought to be rampant among women back in the 80s, although today it is understood to be equally common among men.
Although I despised having anyone, let alone a boss, tell me what to read (one of the reasons I am a book club dropout), I have to admit I was intrigued by this one theory. It seemed to explain all the insecurities I was feeling about work. Since I had fallen into my work life somewhat accidentally, and had not been trained to do anything in particular (one of the benefits and deficits of a liberal arts education) I really did think I was a fraud. Who would want to hire someone who did nothing but read novels and write poetry in college?
Of course, understanding what was troubling me didn’t really solve the problem, or erase the question mark dangling over my head for the first decade of my work life. What did I really want to do? Should I think about graduate school? Do I have any real skills that translate into a job?
Fast forward 25 years. It turns out I did have marketable skills – they were just different from the ones that my boss-from-hell deemed important. As someone who derives energy from interacting with people and organizational dynamics, I have found work that I love – as a fundraiser and community builder in an organization about which I care passionately. I feel strong and confident in my ability to do my job, to manage my staff and address issues that get lobbed my way on any given day. I also have ten years of consulting experience under my belt, in which I was called upon to provide constructive advice to a wide range of organizations.
And yet.
There are still moments of doubt. Moments when I wonder why anyone would ask for my advice. Moments when I remember that I never went back to graduate school, and feel inadequate not having that credential. Moments of utter panic that perhaps I have been an imposter all along.
And then I get feedback like the comment from my colleague, which made me feel more than just valued. He really got to the heart of what I hope I bring to my work – creativity, ownership of my realm, and a willingness to use my experience to think out of the box to solve problems.
He reminded me that I enjoy feeling strong and smart about my professional skills – one of the reasons I have always chosen to work while raising my family. Not only has it been a financial necessity, it has been a satisfying endeavor to scale the mountain of insecurity I first had in the world of work and wind up in a place where I have successfully navigated the questions, doubts, and years of trying, failing, and trying again.
As a parent watching her oldest child start to think about college and perhaps what he might do with his life, I wish there was a way to impart the knowledge and experience I’ve gained along the way to help him with his journey. There is not.
I can only hope that, in whatever little glimmers of my work life he has witnessed and understood, he can see what a gift it is to find work that is creative and satisfying, and that, no matter what you choose to pursue, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Then you never have to worry about being an imposter.
Photo by Xenia Antunes via Flickr
Comments