Recently, there's been a slew of articles and blogs about working moms, depression, and happiness, all favorite topics of mine. They've been touched off by a new study finding that working moms, overall, are less likely to be depressed than stay-at-home moms. See here, here, and here for some summaries.
There's nothing truly new in this finding but - and this is the big but that's driving all the headlines - the new study found that working moms who try to be "supermoms" are at risk for depression. These supermoms -- who expect to "have it all" -- are more likely to be unhappy than working mothers who have more realistic expectations about what it takes to balance work and family. Basically, the study concluded that you can happily combine career and child rearing if you're willing to let some things slide. Especially on the homefront.
I've never been much of a supermom, but now, in an effort to gain a higher level of gladness and glee, I am renouncing any such tendencies. Although it's been a struggle to decide what I will let go, I have been able to come up with a select list of supermom sliders. Starting today, I will no longer,
- Pack creative, nutritious and visually appealing school lunches in environmentally-conscious bento boxes worthy of a spread in Bon Appetit;
- Ensure that my children are showered and suited up in stylish and seasonally-appropriate togs;
- Provide home-baked (organic, of course) cupcakes with elaborate event-appropriate decorations for all school events;
- Sign up to chair the school's black tie, $1,000 per head "Night to Remember" soiree;or
- Serve as coach and trip planner for the second graders' overseas travel soccer team.
Seriously, there's no real surprise in a finding that women who try to be supermoms end up being sad. That's true whether moms work outside the home or not but it's nearly impossible to live up to the many unrealistic images of 21st century motherhood that many women have internalized while pursuing your career. I'm convinced that it's these types of expectations that lead many women, who are in a position to choose whether to work or not, to decide that they can't combine work and family. And that these same attitudes fuel some working moms' guilt.
Of course, even if you aren't producing complicated lunches or planning multiple events, you still, as a working mom, have to cram a lot of activities and chores into each day. If you're realistic, though, and decide what's important for you and your family (and if you have a partner who pulls his share of the load) the good news is that you're likely to be happy. So, I guess I'll just let that pile of clean laundry that can't seem to make its way back into our closets slide one more night (just hopefully not onto the floor)!
Oh Stacy - I love your posts! Especially relevant to me as I'm officially going on maternity leave tomorrow and slipping out of work mode for a brief 12 weeks to be full-time mom of 3! And I will not be using this time to slip on any sort of supermom costume...
Posted by: Ellen | Thursday, September 15, 2011 at 09:47 AM
My wife is out of town this week, so I have worked truncated hours and done the part-time working mom thing instead of the full time working mom thing (yes, I have had 3 1/2 days of nanny coverage). Yesterday afternoon (a nannyless day), I was practically hyperventilating because I couldn't imagine how I could do all the things one could do (school fundraisers! classroom volunteer! harvest festival scarecrow decorator! fresh, non-nut snacks for soccer!) if I didn't work at all, let along working full time. Today I'm back in the office, and I'm not obsessed by any of it. And that's why working can be good - it gives you something to think about other than being the "perfect" mom. That said, if I won the Lotto, I might quit and try on the full time mom thing for a while. I bet I'd last about a month!
Good piece, Stacy.
Jamie
Posted by: Jamie | Thursday, September 15, 2011 at 07:41 PM
Stacy, Your post is spot on! Interestingly, your "slider" list identifies activities that stay-at-home moms often do, likely because they have a lot more time on their hands. When I was a working mom, I didn't do any of that stuff--and never felt bad about it. Heck, as a current stay-at-home mom, I still don't do much of that stuff!
I think it's great, however, to stop and ask yourself what's most important to you at any given time in your life. After spending time as a working mom, I decided that attending brain-numbing staff meetings, writing boring memos, and dealing with office politics were the things I wanted to let slide.
Though I'm no uber-mom (the stay-at-home mom equivalent of the supermom), I gotta say that my kid thinks the homemade cupcakes taste better. Probably because we had the time to make them together, an activity I didn't want to let slide.
Posted by: Rogue Housewife | Wednesday, October 05, 2011 at 06:56 AM