Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn
They say that each child is different, even within the same family. That's true. I'll even expand the saying by adding that each maternity leave is different, or each woman is different in her mothering. For me, my mom-identity is different.
I felt adamantly when my son was born that I wouldn't lose myself. I didn't want to be one of those people that were solely defined by their children. I had worked hard to chisel out my own identity in my life prior to kids, and I didn't want that to be erased with one gesture (OK, a dramatic one).
So when my son was born, I found a childcare provider for him, and sent him off at 6 weeks. Week 5 of his life was hard for me as I was counting down the days until I got "me" back somewhat. Please don't read this as me not loving my son or wanting to be his mother...I just didn't want my own identity to die with his birth.
Fast forward to this summer and the birth of my daughter. I decided to take a 14-week maternity leave. I'm floored that it's almost done. As each hour passes, I'm trying to enjoy my time with her. My mothering experience this time around is so different, and I attribute that to the context of my daughter. Unlike my son, I didn't just have sex, conceive, and 9 months later, welcome my baby. With my daughter, I conceived, lost, conceived, lost again, took some time, conceived again, lost again, and finally conceived and delivered my daughter. This context will forever make her special. Not a favored child, but one that when I look at, I can more easily get in touch with my feelings of gratitude.
Hence, the ambivilance about my return to work. I love what I do. I love who I am while I'm doing it. But I found something else that I love as well, the second time around.
I had a very similar experience with my second maternity leave -- not wanting it to end. In addition to the very turbulent path you took this time around, I wonder if it's because you are a more confident, mature mom, so you are able to enjoy it more and have less anxiety. That was certainly the case for me! Congratulations, and enjoy the time with your daughter.
Posted by: Katherine | Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at 11:22 AM
A very timely post for me. I don't know why it seemed that going back to work would be easier the second time around--as if I were an old pro--when, in fact, it seems that much harder in terms of work/life balance and just what that reentry identity can and will be.
Posted by: Christy | Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at 10:50 PM
Indeed,our children are such gifts. As you know, my own challenging journey to finally becoming a mother, inspired me to take a much longer time off from work than I ever dreamed that I would. I don't regret a single minute of it - they are only little for a short time. I'm so glad you are cherishing your time with your daughter. This kind of perspective is the blessing that comes out of a journey that was preceded by grief. Through these experiences you have learned that as a mother you don't lose the "old" you, you expand your heart, mind, and outlook - giving you so much more to offer to others including family, friends, and those you counsel. I really do think our children teach us so very much about life and what is truly important. Julie, you've learned so many important things through your little girl before you even got to hold her. What an amazing teacher she has already been! :-) Big hugs to all, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Posted by: Dorothy Doyle | Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at 11:44 PM
On the one hand, this post reminds me of my own extended (5 moth) maternity leave with my daughter, who was the gift of life after our infant son (our second child) had died the year before when he was 5 days old. I can't remember a sweeter time in my life than those 5 months with my now 12-year-old daughter. And I definitely was not happy about going back to work, although I did.
But what I am learning now, as the mother of older children, is how much that time, that maternity leave and the feelings I experienced during it, were all about me. Now, my time at home with my kids is all about them. They know when I'm here, and when I'm not here. They know when I have too many work meetings scheduled at night, or early in the morning so that I can't walk my youngest to school, or what it's like for me to juggle fullt-time work and full-time parenting when their dad is on a business trip, which happens almost every other month. They know that I am around almost every afternoon to shuttle them to activities because I have worked out my work life in such a way that I am home and a part of their afternoon routines. And it matters to them.
I remember when I had babies and young children, hearing moms of teens talk about how it made more sense for them to scale back from work at that stage, and that they almost regretted having agonized about it so much when their kids were babies. I certainly don't regret being with my (two younger kids) when they were young, and relish those moments of my children's lives, but I really do get the need to be around and more present for the older kids now.
As we all know, it's incredibly fleeting. And we all have to make decisions that make sense for ourselves, our kids and our families about our work lives during the years we are raising our children. The answers are different for everyone. But babies or teens, as their moms, we are the centerpiece of their lives for many years, and the trick is to find the balance that allows us to be ourselves, provide for our family, enjoy our professional success, and at the same time embrace and nurture and tend to our children in the way that is best for everyone.
Posted by: Karen | Wednesday, September 28, 2011 at 10:12 AM