Dads Just Don't Get It. Or Do They?

Fatherhood Friday

I have to admit, I just don't get it. Rogue Housewife, wrote in this space last Friday about the Five Things Stay at Home Moms Don't Want Working Moms to Know.Not knowing Rogue Housewife or her writing style, I'd like to think that some of the items she mentioned were written tongue-in-check.

For example: self segregating based on socio-economic, racial and other superficial criteria to the exclusion of others. Really? Flaunting wealth, privelege and leisure time as measures of self-worth. Really? The trifecta of success is a clean home, the smartest kids and being a MILF. Come on! 

I have many friends who are SAHMs, and this really didn't sound like most of them. (Though it definitely sounds like some stay at home moms I know.) Like the working moms I know, they find many great things and many challenges with their work-life balance situation. More often than not, the great things and challenges fluctuate daily.

Most of the working moms and stay at home moms I know also recognize that life is fluid - they might be a SAHM today, and a working mom tomorrow, or vice versa. Or more likely, there is some kind of hybrid in there i.e. working part-time, or at complementary hours to home responsibilities.

When I read the conclusion from last week's posting that there are few, if any, SAHMs who regret their decision I went back and looked the rest of the piece again and wondered why. Every single item on that list is a negative; at least that's how I think of the five headings ("envy", "envy", "loathe", "loathe", "struggle.") Like I said, I hope it was written tongue in cheek.

I don't mean to attack anyone - if the lifestyle described by Rogue Housewife works for her and others out there, good for them. I just don't get the Mommy Wars, or whatever you want to call it. I've discussed this with a number of buddies; go ask your husbands, significant others and male friends and colleagues. I think you'll find they generally agree with me that the entire culture of constantly comparing oneself to others - or turning personal decisions into broad philosphical statements - is somewhat silly.

We look at books, blog posts, talk shows, etc. that constantly regurgitate the topic and ask: Why in the world do so many women on one side of work-life balance decisions need to justify their decision relative to women who are on the other side? Why the need to put down others who made a different set of choices?  

Perhaps more salient, I find comments about one side or the other to generally be simplistic. More often then not, they assume a certain degree of choice actually exists. Again, if that's the case, who cares what somebody else chooses? But, really, outside of some very privileged segments of the population this is a false choice - many moms may very well need to work in order to make ends meet or simply lead the lifestyle they want for themselves and their family.

No doubt, there are tradeoffs for moms who stay at home as well as those for moms who work. But each family presumably makes the decisions they make based on some combination of need and want. Why can't that simply be a statement about their personal choice, instead of a broader shot at the other side in the Mommy Wars?

 (Photo credit: http://www.myideasisjustbetter.com)

 

 

Comments

[Rogue Housewife]

Hey TNH Guy! I'm so glad my post inspired you to write yours! Mine was definitely tongue-in-cheek. Like, my husband is fantastic and I don't really hate the name "Kristin." But I'd kick a cat to be a MILF!

If anything, I really wanted to point out that the Mommy Wars aren't really between working moms and stay-at-home moms. Rather, it appears that the stay-at-home moms are engaged in silent wars with each other. And even those "wars" aren't all that serious. I mean, we DO have to "spot" each other at the gym!

If I were to take a more serious approach, I would ask why women are still the primary parents debating whether to work outside the home or stay home, or do a hybrid. Is it because women are still expected to be the primary parent? Is it because women biologically WANT to be the primary parent? Or is it because men still make more money so women's careers are necessarily secondary (or as you say "fluid")?

By the way, I wanted so badly to drop a footnote in my "don't have to work" discussion just to mention that we live in a materialistic world where so many people feel like both spouses have to work. I see lots of families led by two professionals claiming they both need to work, yet they both drive Mercedes Benz cars and live in a well-to-do neighborhood. So, yes, it is about choices.

What I'd really love to know is, if they somehow won the lottery, what would working moms do? Would they all quit so they can spend more time with their kids? Would they still try to maintain their careers and just hire more help around the house? And what would dads do?

Wait, I think I just came up with fodder for a couple of blog posts for both of us!