Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Julie Bindeman
There are so many times when we need help, but are unable to ask. Perhaps we are unwilling or too full of pride to do so. As a society, we largely perceive help as a sign of weakness. Other times, we get in the way of ourselves by not knowing what kind of help we actually need.
This latter piece is what is on my mind currently. I compare my two stints with a newborn, the first being nearly four years ago, and the second being now. With my son, I didn't know what kind of help I needed. I had no sense of "normal" so I wasn't able to recognize when I was feeling the way many other new moms feel versus when my feelings were outside of that window of normal.
I'm noticing that I'm enjoying this time with my daughter in a way that I didn't with my son. I think experience and knowing what the heck I'm doing plays a big part. For instance, I know that eventually, she WILL sleep through the night. I also believe that her context is another piece of the puzzle--with my daughter, I did not have the experience of just wanting to have another child, getting pregnant, and then nine months later, a baby! Because I had to "fight" for her, there is more of a sense of reward even though this is another hard part.
When my son was born, I had no idea what role lack of sleep would play on me. Combined with breastfeeding being difficult, the first few weeks were torture. We had the assistance of a baby nurse (a gift that I am forever grateful for) and I credit that experience to warding off what most likely would have been a nasty episode of post-partum depression. I was really teetering on the brink, but was able to avoid it. Allowing my husband to supplement with formula so I could sleep played a big part. With that compromise went my hope of being a "good mother" by only breastfeeding, and my first introduction to "mommy guilt" was made.
I was also a bit delierious with the idea that something needed to get accomplished in a day that I was with the baby. If I didn't do laundry or dishes, I felt like a failure. It was difficult for me to even count taking a shower as a major victory.
In my wisdom of being a second-time-around mom, I know that it's OK for me to have needs. I know that it is totally unrealistic for me to get things done. I can now accept that. Again, the baby nurse is something that has helped me, and I know that my job is to feed my daughter and then sleep. I don't have to feel guilty for having assistance. I also realize that I'm so lucky that I have the means of family and friends to get the help and support that I need. To do so, I built my village previous to the baby arriving. I can also acknowledge that asking for help takes some practice.
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