Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Julie Bindeman, Psy-D
We just celebrated Mother's Day. Certainly, in the past four years, I appreciate this day more as I get to take part in it. I remember as I was growing up, I'd ask, "When is Children's Day?" And the standard reply was: "Everyday is Children's Day." Since becoming a parent, I can see the logic in that.
But what makes a mother? This isn't a day set aside for women in the United States, but specifically, mothers. How do we define who can celebrate on the second Sunday in May? The obvious answer is that anyone with a child is a mother and can partake in being honored. OK, that makes sense. But what about women who don't have children, yet play a "mothering" role in someone's life? I can think of people I've worked with who seem to show endless kindness to neighborhood children and members of their religious institution, but who do not have children themselves. They are the "trusted adult" to borrow a term, that these kids willingly seek out.
Then what about the women who are aunts and either choose not to have children or are unable to? Again, this pertains to my family. My sister doesn't want kids (nor is she married). While she might change her mind if her circumstances change, she gets shortchanged on Mother's Day. (Although I think she's OK with that). My sister-in-law is unable to have children, and is a wonderful aunt to my son. Our family made the choice to include her in being someone to honor on Mother's Day.
This brings me to one more category, which is more difficult to think about for many people. What about the women who had been pregnant, but did not deliver? Are they less of a mother? The women who's pregnancies ended abruptly by miscarriage, some might argue that no, they aren't mother's yet. To get more complicated, what about women who had to make the difficult decision to prematurely end their pregnancies due to poor prenatal diagnosis? I would make the argument that these women indeed, ARE mothers. They are mothers who had to make a horrific choice that most others will never have to think about. They chose to put aside their dream of having a child and spare the one that is growing inside of them a life of pain, uncertainty, and health issues. These are mothers who did not make this choice lightly, or for superficial reasons (like the child isn't of a preferred gender). These are women who had to evaluate their life, the quality of life for their child and family, and make a heartbreaking decision.
So as this Mother's Day has passed, I want to especially recognize the "unsung mothers."
Wonderful post, Julie. I'm glad you included women with miscarriages too - our babies were taken away from us, not of our choosing, but they (like all babies) have souls and we mothers helped to create them. I will always remember seeing my daughter's beating heart - even though I will never hold her in this world, I know I am her mother, just as I am the mother of my sons. Thank you for giving voice to the "unsung mothers" and the children we will always hold in our hearts.
Posted by: Dorothy | Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 09:35 AM