When Bad Luck Happens to Good People

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Truth Tuesday

When I started out to write this, I intended to sit down and write about what I like to call the “Spouse Trap.”  That is, when you and your spouse get so caught up in discussing all the problems that are plaguing your family and the possible (or impossible) solutions to them that you forget you’re supposed to be more to each other than just the co-founders of the family corporation.

My husband and I have been trying very hard to not get caught in the Spouse Trap. We’ve been besieged by an unusual number of stresses that have been threatening the viability of our family corporation, so as co-founders, we’ve been working overtime on that.

Once I sat down to write, though, I realized I didn’t want to write a semi-upbeat piece about what steps we’re taking to avoid the Spouse Trap, because that’s not how I’m feeling. I’m feeling a little beaten down by all the stuff that’s going on and am thinking more about the concept of The Bad Luck.

Let me say right now this isn’t intended to be a “poor me looking for pity”  post. Rather it’s contemplative, along the lines of Rabbi Kushner’s  When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

If you don’t know what The Bad Luck is, you’re not alone. Right before we got married, my husband’s grandmother, a woman of French-Canadian descent, a group of people who invariably use the article "the" in front of numerous different phrases, took me aside. She assured me I’d found a good man, but added in a conspiratorial whisper, "You know our family has the bad luck though."

Years later, I’ve started thinking about that and I’m not sure it’s untrue. We seem to having more than our share of bad luck right now, but my husband is pretty certain it’s just the kind of luck that follows his family around.  

Is there such a thing as "the bad luck?" It's an interesting concept. Especially when you differentiate between bad luck and hard luck.

Hard luck is when life is continuously difficult and- here's the important part- you make no effort to try to change it. The job stinks, there's no money, the spouse leaves, but it's always someone else's fault. Not looking for a new job or a second job and putting in the work to make a marriage better isn't bad luck, it's hard luck. It's something that can be changed.

Now the bad luck is entirely different. The bad luck is when, despite your efforts to the contrary, bad things just keep coming. Take, for example, Kathleen Caronna. She's the woman who was not only hit by a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon in 1997, but whose apartment was also the one that Cory Lidle's airplane crashed into. There's a woman who has the bad luck. No way did she court those disasters.

In our case, I think we’re facing the bad luck.  Life is difficult, we’re trying really hard to fix it, but it doesn’t seem to be getting much better. A few examples:

1. My husband’s company cut employee hours, so we’re a lot tighter financially. He’s set out to prove that he can’t get everything done at work without those extra hours.
2. My son, who has some special needs, is decompensating at home and at school, so I’ve had to pick him up from school and listen to a teacher tell me that my parenting is at fault for his behaviors. We’ve scheduled emergency appointments with his doctor as well called a few meetings at school.
3. Earlier this year, I somehow injured my neck and shoulder. It turns out I have a disintegrating disk and something called slipping rib syndrome, so I’m going to physical therapy and having osteopathic manipulative treatment.

My husband still doesn’t have his hours back, doctor’s appointments have been inconclusive, and meetings unproductive. Not to mention among the extra appointments and meetings and parenting a child in crisis (along with two other children)  I’m having a tough time finding a way to pick up extra work to help financially. That doesn’t even take into account the way the stress is affecting my shoulder and neck.

It leaves me wondering: Is there such a thing as The Bad Luck? Do other people have The Bad Luck? And, for heaven’s sake, how do I get rid of it?

Comments

[Katherine]

Oh, Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about your latest run-in with The Bad Luck. How can a teacher blame your parenting for your child's behavior? Especially regarding a child with special needs. We're going through a rough patch at school too, but fortunately none of our teachers has stooped that low. I think you're smart to focus on the family and worry about picking up extra work later -- you can turn around finances more easily than a child who's gone off track.

Too bad you don't live here because I know an amazing special needs parent educator. Actually, I'll ask her tonight if she would be willing to do a phone consultation, if that might help. Wishing you a change in your luck!

[John McPherson]

I'm not going to say I'm sorry to hear this (Even though I am), because I know the article is meant to be analytical. I have always thought that the bad luck is what makes good people. Someone who only ever has good luck, can not understand the hardships that bad luck brings, so why would they change? However people faced with bad luck, don't want to repeat the same experiences, so they try to do better. I'm not saying people with good luck are bad people, I am merely saying that they are less likely to see problems within their lives if it isn't adversely affecting them.

Of course this is just my opinion, but it does seem to have a bit of logic to it. :)

McPhee

[Karen]

I love the idea of encapsulating the bad luck with the "the." The bad luck hit our house this year too - husband laid off, health issues, and lots of friends facing ill and dying parents and -- but the wonderful thing about the bad luck is that it almost always moves on, like a storm. It's hard to live through, tough on people, on relationships, on our ability to do other things like be good parents to our children, but ultimately, it calms down and the good luck pops up, like a crocus at the end of February. Thinking about you and wishing you some crocuses!

[willow]

I know this was months ago but I had to post. Myself and my family are having a long spell of bad luck. My son is also special needs and his health is so poor that since starting school last year he has never done a full five days, I've had to produce doctors notes just so his teacher and headmistress understand. My mother in law has had 5 heart attacks in the last twelve months and I've had to start caring for her. My husband has had issues with a respitory illness that caused him to have some time off work to recover. He lost a lot of custom and we even had people phoning our house to bitch us out about it.
My daughter who is the sweetest kid suffered a campaign of bullying that made her ill, the girl that started it off is still at her school and got special treatment as she had family problems.
In between all this I was diagnosed with lupus and we had our car stolen, our shed set on fire by some total weirdo. I must mention it had all our tools in.
I just feel like I can't breath. As I write this I'm going on 3 hours sleep as my son spent the last two days in hospital, I got home and our window was smashed thanks to our neighbours kid.
I don't want to be all woe is me but I just want to scream 'give us a break!'
I've worked all my life, volunteered for causes always tried to be a decent person but still this spell of bad luck continues.
Thank you for your post, I sincerely hope good things come your way.