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When Bad Luck Happens to Good People

Image by Artotem via Flickr

Truth Tuesday

When I started out to write this, I intended to sit down and write about what I like to call the “Spouse Trap.”  That is, when you and your spouse get so caught up in discussing all the problems that are plaguing your family and the possible (or impossible) solutions to them that you forget you’re supposed to be more to each other than just the co-founders of the family corporation.

My husband and I have been trying very hard to not get caught in the Spouse Trap. We’ve been besieged by an unusual number of stresses that have been threatening the viability of our family corporation, so as co-founders, we’ve been working overtime on that.

Once I sat down to write, though, I realized I didn’t want to write a semi-upbeat piece about what steps we’re taking to avoid the Spouse Trap, because that’s not how I’m feeling. I’m feeling a little beaten down by all the stuff that’s going on and am thinking more about the concept of The Bad Luck.

Let me say right now this isn’t intended to be a “poor me looking for pity”  post. Rather it’s contemplative, along the lines of Rabbi Kushner’s  When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

If you don’t know what The Bad Luck is, you’re not alone. Right before we got married, my husband’s grandmother, a woman of French-Canadian descent, a group of people who invariably use the article "the" in front of numerous different phrases, took me aside. She assured me I’d found a good man, but added in a conspiratorial whisper, "You know our family has the bad luck though."

Years later, I’ve started thinking about that and I’m not sure it’s untrue. We seem to having more than our share of bad luck right now, but my husband is pretty certain it’s just the kind of luck that follows his family around.  

Is there such a thing as "the bad luck?" It's an interesting concept. Especially when you differentiate between bad luck and hard luck.

Playing by the Rules: Chocolate Oatmeal Drops Recipe

Meal Monday

Rules are a big thing in our house these days.

Say "please" when you ask for something. Don't hit your brother/sister. Clean up what you're playing with before you can get a different toy. No Play-Doh in your mouth. Give your brother privacy while he poops.

While I'm the enforcer with the trio, sadly there was no one to play that role for me when I tackled a new cookie recipe.

I may not think of them as rules, but I definitely try to approach a new recipe methodically. When something flops in my house, I prefer it be due to picky toddler taste buds, not chef's error.

But I'm a busy mom. When I have an opportunity I have to take it if I want to get something done. Even if the circumstances aren't quite ideal. And they never are when the options are the kids' two-hour (on a good day) nap window, or at the end of a day spent with three two-year-olds.

Two Income Fraternity-Sorority

Fatherhood Friday

I spent my entire life on the East Coast until getting married. We moved to the Midwest, where our first kid was born. A few years later we moved to Washington DC to get a little more urban living in - and where our second kid was born - before finally settling back in the Midwest.

When we got married, at ages 26 and 25, we were ahead of the curve by at least half a dozen years of our peer group on the East Coast. Yet, when we moved to the Midwest we were behind the curve by not having one kid and one on the way! A few years later when we moved back to DC we felt like we were even further ahead of the curve, younger than most of the other parents in our kids class by at least those same six years, and in many cases more than that.

But the biggest difference between the two regions has been the two-income vs. one-income family. In DC, it seemed that everyone we knew was part of a two-income family. Husband and wife both worked, and juggled the work life balance thing together. 

In the Midwest, however, I am amazed at how many single income families there are in our peer group. At first I chalked it up to the fact that DC is such a highly educated town (i.e. highest percentage of college degrees and graduate degrees in the country) where driven, career-types seem to flock. But when I look past the general population and deeper at the peer groups we had in the Midwest, its really not that different - the women are generally well-educated and had success in their jobs and careers.

So then I figured the difference had to with cost of living - its so damn expensive in DC that you have to have a two-income family in order to make ends meet. And there's some truth to that; for example, when you compare similar housing stock in similar neighborhoods and similar proximity to the urban center, you will find that DC housing can be three to four times as expensive.

Maybe the noticeable decrease in two-income families in the Midwest has other factors - culture, choice, whatever. Whether its out of need or want the difference is undeniable. And its something that's been on the minds of my wife and I recently.

Not our choice (out of both necessity and want) for her to work full time, but the fact that she feels like a minority in that choice and is surrounded by friends and moms of kids' friends and schoolmates who don't work. She doesn't compare her decision to theirs - as far as we're concerned, everyone does what's right for their family - but its amazing the difference between the communities we've inhabited.

When working moms are the norm, the general culture is more sensitive to it. For example, childcare facilities stay open later and have many fewer days when they are closed. Group exercise classes that appeal to the working mom demographic are scheduled in the evening, early in the morning or on weekends. In the one-income dominant culture those classes seem to be at 11 a.m. or 2:00 p.m.

Ultimately what makes our ability to juggle family and jobs workable is flexibility. Flexibility with one another, flexibility of extended family to step up and flexible work environments. This last one is key. Because our bosses (mine is female, hers is male) have themselves achieved success in their personal and professional lives and understand the balance and flexibility that goes into it, they are quick to support our growth by offering that same flexibility.

And that may be one of the biggest differences between the East Coast and the Midwest. In DC, with the norm of two-income families and career-first mentalities there is a perennial expectation that men and women will work full time. In the Midwest we're in a much more exclusive club - almost a fraternity or sorority - where there's a greater inclination for two-income members to look out for one another. 

(Photo Credit: http://www.painetworks.com/photos/gt/gt0002.JPG)

The End of an Oprah Era

Truth Thursday

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm weeping. I worked at home yesterday, mainly because I had a meeting up in the suburbs and it's always easier to work at home when I do. But when I realized that it was the day of the final Oprah show, well, I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do at 4:00 pm.

Oprah has aired over 5,000 shows. I have probably watched a total of four in their totality, and pieces of probably another 20 or 25. So I am clearly not a fanatic Oprah watcher. But those shows that I have watched have usually stayed with me. Whether it was learning how to divorce my hairdresser or brides who spend the first year of their married lives watching their wedding videos every day and weeping because it's all over (these were the dark and early Oprah years), or listening to the brilliance of Barack Obama or Bill Clinton, or to Oprah's finding and uniting with her half sister after not knowing she existed until this year, or simply the joy of watching the full cast from "The Sound of Music" reunite, I have enjoyed and learned from and cried along with Oprah.

My daughter, when she heard that I was planning to watch the final show, noted "You always sob when you watch that show."

And she's right. Oprah is truly a marvel. All that fame, all that sensitivity. All that being the best you you can be. And yet, despite the enormous potential for mawkishness, she pulls it off, and usually in such an emotionally pitch perfect way that yes, I am crying by the end.

Facebook's Sheryl Sandberg Challenges Barnard Grads (and This Working Mom)

Work Wednesday 

Like many families, we have a graduation coming up in June. My son's pre-K graduation. It's a big, bittersweet, but very welcome milestone. I love the "pomp and circumstance" of commencement ceremonies and I'm already looking forward to my kids' future graduations.

I also adore commencement addresses although I'm not counting on high-minded oratory for the big pre-K G-day.  That won't matter to my son, who will probably forget all about pre-K graduation as soon as he hits elementary school. I, of course, can't remember anything that the then-president of my college alma mater said in his perfect Oxbridge accent at my graduation. (Perhaps it was all the champagne spraying through the air?) I can still recall, though, feeling inspired by his words to go out and conquer the world. Which, is, of course, what a great commencement speech is supposed to do.

On Monday, You Tube posted a list of its ten most viewed commencement speeches from mostly famous commencement speakers of recent vintage like President Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and Steve Jobs. (You can also find other commencement speech compilations here (CNBC), here (Huffington Post), and  here (USA Today)). Today, I'm nominating another commencement speech for all the "top ten" lists - Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's May 17 commencement address to the graduates of Barnard College. (The link is to the embedded video and a full transcript on Barnard's website.)  Sandberg, you may remember, is Facebook's "adult" and Working Mother magazine's Most Powerful Mom of the Year. And (who knew?) a strong feminist worth more than $400 million.

While it's probably too soon for Sandberg to score a " best of" spot, she pulled off a speech on women and leadership and family and careers that was funny, inspiring, and challenging. (The speech was actually a variation on a TED talk she did a few months back on the same theme.) 

Sandberg's basic message to the Barnard graduates was this: The world needs women to run it, so think big, believe in yourself, don't let your fears overtake your desires, and then go out and do it!

I thought the speech was terrific although I didn't agree with everything Sandberg had to say. Still, it made me think harder than I've thought in a while about my own desires, fears, and life choices and my hopes for my children -- my boy and my girl.