Who Makes the Grade at Report Card Time?

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by:DcJohn

It's that time of year again...despite the picture, I'm not talking about graduation, but report cards. The third marking period is in the books. The proof is coming home soon, if it hasn't arrived in your mailbox (or inbox) already.

Report cards mean that expectations meetactuality. How well you wanted your child to do versus how well they did. For some parents, it can feel like a day of reckoning. Disappointment flows freely, or ecstasy takes hold. It's hard to remember that our children's grades have no actual reflection on us.

For many, this doesn't feel true: "if my kids don't do well, doesn't that mean that I've failed them as a parent?"  I would answer that question with a definitive "no." Parents have completed their schooling (or some are still in process). Grades are earned by individuals and are just a snap shot. Yet they seem to be so loaded for us as caregivers.

Perhaps we flash back to our own childhoods when grades might have been met with incentives (how much was an A worth? In my family, all grades equaled the same amount: $0)  What message did that send you? You are only as worthwhile as the grades you brought home. Do grades reflect mastery?  Not often enough. So how can we converse with our kids about their grades without setting them up to have post-traumatic reactions to report cards with their own kids?

Take the following scenario: Johnny, a sixth grader, comes home from school, report card in hand. He received an 'A', two 'B's,' and two 'C's'.  Certainly not his best showing. He is bracing himself for the onslaught at home, and here is what happens:

Johnny: Well, here it is. My third quarter grades.
Parent: Wow, not what I was hoping for. You must not have tried your best. That is what your grades tell me.
Johnny: No, I did, but it was hard and Mrs. Smith in Science doesn't like me.
Parent: That sounds like an excuse. Guess you had better hit the books now. Hope that next quarter goes better.

Maybe this was familiar or some version of it rings true. The parent has taught Johnny certain valuable lessons: his grades (and therefore, himself) are shameful, his parent doesn't trust/believe him, and he is not supported by his parent. I'm sure that these were unintentional messages.

As an alternative, try this:

Johnny: Well, here it is. My third quarter grades.
Parent: What are your thoughts?
Johnny: I'm a bit disappointment about the C's. I'm really proud of the B's.
Parent: It seems like it's a mixed bag for you.
Johnny: Yeah.
Parent: What, if anything can you think of that you might have done differently?
Johnny: I'm not sure. I guess I didn't know science as well as I thought. And I don't think Mrs. Smith likes me. I guess I could have asked her for some help.
Parent: That sounds reasonable.

Quite a different picture in this last scenario. By asking your child to take initiative in processing the experience, he or she can formulate their own plan of action. This facilitates independence, and to not rely on your approval or disapproval.  Additionally, it teaches kids to think critically.

Comments

[JenB]

This is so helpful. My son is still a few years away from report cards, but I remember report card time in my house, growing up, as incredibly traumatic. I went to private school, so when my parents said "if you are not getting A's, you are not living up to your potential" the subtext was "we are not getting our money's worth out of you." I don't want my son to think he's only as good as his grades, but I do want him to try hard. Putting him in charge of analyzing his grades and planning a course of action sounds like a healthy way to encourage that.