When I Die, Would I Really Regret Not Working More?

Work Wednesday

My youngest son started kindergarten last fall. Joining his older brother at “big kid school” freed me and my husband from a two-stop daily drop off and pick up routine.

This usually marks the time when stay-at-home parents start thinking about the return to work. For me, it’s been the opposite.

As my children get older, the urge to greet them when school lets out gets stronger. Their after-care program is fine, but I would be better.

I’ve actually felt this way for several years, starting around the time my older son began kindergarten himself three years ago.

Most parents talk about the difficulties of returning to work after having a child, especially their first. But I rarely hear from folks who really struggle with the idea about leaving work once their children are older and well into their school-age years.

Let me clarify that I like working. I like my job, and I enjoy what I do. I always have. My work, my career, has shaped such a huge part of my identity and self worth. Also, let me state that this is not just some fantasy of quitting my job, or simply finding a gig that would allow me to work from home.

It’s simply that, increasingly, it has been getting tougher to hear my older son talking about the conversations he has with classmates. His opinions on issues beyond school – such as politics, war and gay marriage – are being shaped right now. I like to think that my husband and I are the ones with a big hand in molding those opinions, but I wonder how much influence we actually have since my son spends most of his time at school or in aftercare. We only get him on nights and weekends.

A few weeks ago, I spoke with a former colleague of mine who lost his job nearly a year ago. He recently started a new gig, one that allows him to work from home. Despite the financial and mental stress of being out of work, he felt grateful for the chance to stay home with his two older sons – one in middle school, the other a high school freshman.

Usually, it’s tough to engage in conversation with boys that age, he said. “But there will be times when one of them will just talk to me. He’ll just tell me things, at the most random times,” my friend said. And that’s what made his unemployment worthwhile.

What if one of my young children wanted to share something like that with me, at some random moment? What if he were at aftercare instead of in the next room?

I haven’t really calculated whether I could afford to quit my job. Financially, I know I shouldn’t.

My husband and I never take any job for granted, particularly in this economy. And while we’re not frivolous, we definitely have grown accustomed to our share of little luxuries – like entertaining friends nearly every weekend, having the house cleaned every two weeks, or going out to a nice dinner when the mood strikes. And though I’m not happy when the washing machine breaks or the “check engine” light turns on, I don’t stress too much about its impact on the checkbook.

But mentally, I know I am ready to quit. I’m tired of spending school nights rushing my boys home for a boring, quickly-put together dinner, then hurrying them through homework that sometimes includes a lesson that simply can’t be retained in 30 minutes a night.  

Again, I like what I do, but at this point in my life, I know I would like being a stay-at-home mom more.

Comments

[Lyn]

I've long thought that I'd be more likely to want to be home when the kiddo is older than now. Unlikely that would work out, but it's on my mind. A friend of mine went to half-time when her kid started elementary school for reasons similar to what you describe. And I remember being really struck by an observation I read somewhere about how you can learn a great deal about your kid's life by being the carpool driver. They sit in the backseat and chatter away and forget that you're there...

[Stacy]

You should do what works for you and your family. My one thoughtm though, is that working doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" proposition. Since my daughter started kindergarten, I've scaled back to 30 hours a week. It's certainly not a perfect solution at home or at work, and while my daughter does attend (a totally wonderful) aftercare program (as will my son when he starts kindergarten next year), I usually leave my office by 4:00 p.m. and am able to spend a significant amount of time with my children in the late afternoon. I also telwork occasionally, which gives me more flexibility in the afternoon, and I work a short day on Fridays so we can do special activities in the afternoon. It means that I'm always juggling, and I'm sometimes torn between home and work, but it does allow me to do two things I love and value.