Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Julie Bindeman
This blog post will most likely be more therapeutic to me than you. But I'm sure that you can see the value. For those of you that have been reading my posts over the last two years, you know what a journey it has been for me in my quest to have my second child.
To recap: almost exactly two years ago, we started by getting pregnant (MUCH sooner than I had really planned) but having that end in miscarriage. A mere six weeks later, I was pregnant again. I braced myself through the first trimester, passed all of my screenings, and at 13 weeks, felt I was out of the woods. At our anatomy scan, which occurs at 20 weeks, we learned that not only were we having a son, but that he had major malformation in his brain. We obtained a second and a third opinion, and made the heartbreaking decision to prematurely end the pregnancy.
Five months later, I was pregnant again. At this point, we were assured that the last pregnancy was most likely a fluke occurrence, with a 2-5% chance of happening a second time. As the pregnancy progressed, I learned that I was having a daughter, and that her brain was similarly afflicted. Again, we made the difficult decision to end the pregnancy.
We sought out genetic testing to determine why this happened a second time. After all of the testing, meetings, and scans were complete, the best guess was that my husband and I shared a recessive gene that creates this brain issue. This gives us a 1 in 4 chance of recurrence.
I was very resolute in my decision to give my son a sibling. And so two months later, I became pregnant again. We knew that with subsequent pregnancies, we would not know that we were "out of the woods" until scans were done 18 weeks into the pregnancy. I can happily share that I am 19 weeks pregnant, and all of the scans indicate a normal healthy child.
So why do I share this? I feel that I want to be honest about living somewhat of a "double life" for the past 6 months. I was fairly quiet about the resolution of the last pregnancy, and I was drinking from the "glass is half empty" side of this one. The interesting thing that I figured out what that expert doctors and genetic counselors gave me the "all clear" last Tuesday. I was relieved for a day, before becoming nervous again. (Yes, a psychologist can be anxious). It wasn't until Thursday when I saw my acupuncturist, that I finally "bought in" to this pregnancy. I had been working with this practitioner for nearly two years, and with the last two babies, she was never really able to feel a separate "pulse" at this point in gestation. This indicates when the baby "separates" from their mother and becomes their own person, in a sense.
Last week, she felt my wrists, and said, "There are two of you." I just started to cry. Somehow, those were the magic words I needed to hear to let me celebrate.
I don't think that I'll ever feel like this journey is completely a "done deal" until I hold my (we think) daughter in my arms sometime in July/August. I've learned firsthand about how families can be stretched to their emotional limits in difficult times and how they can pull back together. I appreciate the fragility of life, as this was something I had taken for granted over two years ago. I have lived with anxiety and fear, but realize they aren't the most helpful allies. There is a place for them, as they keep me honest. I look forward to the continual lessons that I will learn.
Julie, I know what it feels like to live through the "next" pregnancy, and all the fear and emotions that accompany it. I am sending your heart and strength as you take this journey - may it be one with a wonderful outcome.
Posted by: Karen | Tuesday, March 01, 2011 at 05:44 PM
What wonderful news, Julie! Thank you for being so honest and brave. I know your post will give comfort to a lot of women.
Posted by: Stacy | Wednesday, March 02, 2011 at 07:35 AM
Julie, I don't know what to say except to echo Karen and Stacy and say that I am gingerly rejoicing for you and yours, and will be with you every step of the breath-held way ...
Posted by: Katherine | Wednesday, March 02, 2011 at 09:56 PM