Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Julie Bindeman
In a rare quiet moment on Sunday night, I actually had time to peruse my local paper. In my case, it's the Washington Post. I couldn't believe an article that I came across on the front page where the title read: "Three-year-old suspended from Arlington preschool for too many potty accidents." Journalist Bridgid Schulte came upon a family where this occurred and I think she wasn't even prepared for all of the outcry over it.
Potty training varies and is culturally specific. In Western societies, (as this is my cultural background, it is the one that I can speak most expertly about) toilet training is a rite of passage and is heavily valued. Think about the way that high school bullies would torture those they deemed not worth: they'd stick their heads in a toilet and flush. For as much skill that is required to learn how to use the toilet, it is also associated with humiliation.
Having an accident, regardless of your age, is a humbling experience. When members of our society age, and lose continence over their bladder and bowels, they commonly feel shame. Yet, no nursing home or assisted living facility requires toilet training as a requirement of admittance.
Toilet training is a marker of modern parenting, which can seem like a competitive sport. Some parents view it as a measure of how successful they are in their skills. Judgment seems to be based upon how quickly it is achieved and the chronological age of the child (the earlier the "better.") There are even movements that teach "elimination communication" where a 3-month-old can be "taught" how to use the toilet.
I put the word taught in quotes for a good reason. Toilet training is a complex process that (again, from the Western perspective) requires the synchronicity between motoric abilities and psychological readiness. As with any kind of learning (no matter what age), success is built upon previous failures. In other words, accidents happen, and are normal.
Most pediatricians and developmental psychologists agree that in order to potty train, it makes sense to begin when your specific child starts to signal his or her own readiness. This can be using words like "pee-pee" or "potty" or an interest in you using the toilet. There are many suggested ways to teach a child how to potty train. I was lucky: my son taught us what was right for him. He started to show an interest at 18-months, and gently we began. It wasn't until nearly a year later, that he taught himself. He saw other kids at school using the potty and started to associate diapers with babies. He didn't want to be a baby, so that was enough incentive.
For some kids, external rewards work. For others, they need intrinsic motivation. I don't know of any 18-year-old college freshman that doesn’t know how to use the toilet.
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