The Unvarnished Truth: Motherhood and the Unmade Bed

Truth Tuesday

I never make my bed.

I never make my children's beds.

And I really mean never. The last time I pulled and smoothed the sheets and blankets (and plumped the pillows, too) was nearly six years ago when we were in the process of selling our condo. Our real estate agent suggested, strongly, that our unmade bed might be unappealing to prospective purchasers. (Our daughter was in an appropriately blanket-free crib back then so it didn't count.) So, we made it. Day after day. Until we closed on the sale.

I don't think I've truly made a bed since then. My husband's made our household's beds a few times when we've had guests, but most of the time I just close the bedroom doors when company comes. Once in a while, I've been known to throw duvet covers or quilts over the beds. I'm pretty sure, though, that this doesn't actually constitute making them.

It's not a simple matter of slovenly domestic standards although, as I've admitted before, no one would ever confuse me with a clean freak.  And its not because I truly can't make the time during our morning rush hour to spend five minutes making the beds.

The truth is that a crisply-made bed gives me the creeps.

I'm not sure why but the idea of sleeping in what's generally considered a "well-made bed" feels, to me, like voluntary entombment. The association with hospitals and the military doesn't help. The first thing I do in a hotel is rip out the tightly-tucked in sheets and blankets so I can snuggle up to sleep. (This practice also aids in checking your room for bed bugs.) Plus, I actually like the wrinkles, creases, and grooves of my unmade bed. (Check out this Funky Junk Interiors blog for a photo of a beautifully constructed "crumply rumply" bed.  Of course, mine looks nothing like that!)

Recently, though, I've wondered what effect my aversion to bed-making will have on my kids. Am I failing in a core motherhood duty? (Or, more equitably, are we failing? After all, my husband only rarely makes the beds.) Shouldn't my children know the joys of a well-made bed? Should I start teaching my almost-seven-year-old daughter to make her bed before leaving for school each morning? (I'll give my four-year-old son a few years.) If I don't, how will she ever live outside our house? How can I require her to make her bed if I don't lead by example?

And am I dooming my children to sleepless, disorderly, unhappy lives if I don't make my bed ? And theirs?

I'll cut the melodrama, but there is a lot of advice out there about the benefits of bed-making that can make non-bed-makers feel inadequate.

Supposedly, a well-made bed can help you get a good night's sleep. Of course, I'm a champion sleeper who can fall asleep anywhere and anytime for extended periods of time so I've never bought this justification. My kids are good sleepers, too.

Then, there are those who say that making your bed every day creates a sense of harmony and order in your life. That may be true, but I'd rather do yoga than make my bed.

And some even contend it can make you happier. Gretchen Rubin, the privileged author of the best-selling self-help book, "The Happiness Project," has been all over the media making the case that making your bed every day is a first step in creating a happier life. Her theory is that making your bed every day is an easily manageable step that can lead to bigger resolutions and positive life changes. (She does allow, though, that in rare cases, not making your bed can lead to happiness.) But Rubin dislikes showers, which I absolutely adore, so it's hard for me to trust her possibly soiled advice.

So, what to do?

Despite my resistance to bed-making, I want to give my children the skills they need to live independently (and agreeably with others).  And, I don't want my shortcomings with sheets and blankets  to push my kids into therapy. So, I'll start doing it soon. When the kids are a little older. Maybe before sleep-away camp. Definitely before college . . . .

Photo by emdot via flickr.com.

Comments

[ellen]

Stacy - once again, you write what I feel! The bed making "issue" is one that I wrestle with too. I try to make ours and have our son make his for about a week hoping it will become a habit, and then the next week we get too busy, and well, the beds are unmade. My approach: we do what we can during the week but weekends - whatever! Unless of course company comes over....

[Amanda Morin]

You are not alone! The beds in our house are almost never made. I truly don't see the point to it, we're just crawling back in and untucking it all into comfortable chaos at the end of the day anyway. Maybe I am failing to teach my kids something valuable, but I think I'd rather have them know how to cook and do their own laundry than make a bed. There's something to be said for being able to shut the bedroom door when company comes over!

[Diane]

I read recently that making the bed actually means for a dirtier bed. See http://lifehacker.com/5605277/think-twice-about-what-everybody-knows. It made me feel much better about things. Of course that doesn't stop the cat hair from getting in the bed, but cats are pretty clean anyway, right??

[Karen]

Stacy, I can't believe how funny this is! I have a long-sitting blog post on how I can't even THINK until I make my bed, and yet my children seem to be lacking this gene. Guess I'll have to post it soon :) ...

[Julie]

Stacy, I am with you 100%. Making your bed every day is NOT a first step to bliss, but a step towards guilt. I prefer oblivion, and shutting the door on the mess.

I will also admit:

I never ever iron
I don't dust (I pay a cleaner to do that)
I hate to stack and unstack the dishwasher. So excruciatingly boring, and
I will run a mile to avoid doing the trash. Seriously.

Avoiding these chores is my path to nirvana because they free me to read a book or two or sit down and chat with my kids.

The only time beds are made in our house is when the sheets are changed or when guests arrive.
Why bother to make the bed? In the days of comforters, it seems sort of antiquated. Kind of like insisting that I use an old fashioned Remington typewriter to bash this out and then send it by snail mail ...

[Heather]

I NEVER make the bed, even for company. I once read that an unmade bed cuts down on the microscopic bugs that eat your dead skin (yuck!) through exposure to light, and I've used that excuse ever since. But I wasn't making the bed before I read that either.

[Katherine]

I never make my bed (or anyone else's), but my 6-year old daughter has completely on her own started to make her bed in the morning. It hardly looks like a military-standard bed, but she beams so proudly when she stands next to it that I feel it is my motherly duty to refrain from pointing out the error of her bed-making ways. (Take THAT, Gretchen Rubin.)

[Christy @morethanmommy]

Well, of course someone who is "pathologically neat" would say to start with a made bed. I am only in my bedroom while I'm sleeping, getting dressed or doing laundry. My happiness, fortunately, is not linked to a made bed. Ours is only made when the sheets are washed and my husband does that. And I, much like you, immediately loosen up all of the overtucked bedding so I can get comfy. I guess I should teach my kids how to do it... but I'm not feeling all that obsessive about it.

[Alexa]

Haha - I've never liked making my bed since I was a child, because I figured it was a waste of energy - I'm just going to mess it up again when I go back to bed!  That being said, I do like the look of a nicely made bed and find it more inviting to crawl into, I'm just too lazy to do it myself!
I also wonder if I should start making more of an effort so that I can teach my daughter this 'good' habit early, lest she learn from me and, according to my mother (her grandmother), doom her to life as a messy wife and mother (like me), or worse, lest her messiness drives friends and potential partners away!

[stacy]

Thanks, everyone, for these comments. I see that CurrentMom has a large contingent of non-bed-maker readers. The really funny thing is that I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday morning and she said that she needed to hang up the phone to make the bed before the exterminator arrived! Guess we don't always transmit our habits to our offspring! That gave me, and I hope you, a really good laugh.