With apologies to one of my favorite authors, Ayelet Waldman (whose recent book, "Bad Mother," is a personal fave), but I honestly cannot think of a better moniker for me this week. Earlier in the week I got a phone call from a mom of a boy from my son's third grade class. Ethan? Huh? Never heard of him. Already a bad start – a boy whose name has never crossed our dinner table patter. And the school year is almost over.
With my two older children, I knew every kid in every class they had, my oldest until he hit middle school and my daughter's to this day. I also knew the name of everyone on every one of their teams. It has taken me two years to learn the names of the kids on my youngest son's soccer team. Don't get me started on the parents' names, mainly because I don't know them (sorry, Blue Bombers.)
So the mom called because her son has left his spelling words at school and she is helping him with his homework and was wondering if we had the words, since the boys are in the same spelling group (there's a spelling group? Bad mother.)
I had to ask my son about his spelling words, and he somehow magically pulled them out of the folder that I hadn't remembered to look at in a few days (oh, there's the note explaining why he was supposed to bring a bathing suit that morning. We had to race back up the hill to grab it before the bus came.)
And there's the picture of my daughter in the school newspaper from last winter's band concert. I was wondering where that was.
And a note about the field trip next week. That one I think I got onto my calendar. Which is a good thing, because I think I'm chaperoning.
Oh, and the spelling words. And spelling homework? Really, they are supposed to look the words up each week and find definitions and write sentences? I remember this assignment from my other kids' classes but somehow not this year.
After I hang up the phone I looked at my son and asked, "Spelling homework?" He smiled, devilishly. I could have wrung his neck, except it isn't his fault that we have never even thought about his spelling homework this year (let alone his reading logs – sorry, Ms. Patrick.) He claims that he is passing all his spelling tests.
He has gotten away with all this because he is my THIRD CHILD.
There are so many things that have fallen through the cracks with this child. With the oldest, I was just learning the ropes, so I was anxious about everything and wanted to do it right. The middle has always literally been in the middle of everything – in school, in sports, in friendships, and she makes it easy to keep up. She is also hyper-organized (a gift, and something to write about another day) and so she keeps everything in her memory bank so I don't have to.
But the third child? It's a miracle he got registered for school.
A colleague who also has three children once said to me, "I don’t have enough time for the third child, only love." And that is true for mine as well. I love him to death, cuddle him all the time, hold his sweet hand in mine and appreciate his little self. But I let him get away with murder.
When I was a kid, the family joke was that my younger sister was allowed to have a pillow before I was. My mother, not generally a nervous Nellie, somehow believed that I would smother myself with a pillow, and so I did not sleep with one until I was six.
My sister scored a pillow as soon as she left the crib. Dang her.
So far my youngest son has:
- - watched more television over the course of his life than the other two combined.
- - eaten more ice cream than any one child should be allowed. With gummies.
- - listened to inappropriate music on the radio at the age of 8.
- - played on Wii for at least 3 hours stretches on sick days.
- - crossed the street by himself at the age of 4.
- - often gone 3 or 4 days without bathing.
- - made his own playdates starting in preschool (parents were always a little taken aback at first but thought he was adorable on the phone.)
I
So am I a bad mother? Some days are better than others. We may not get the spelling homework done, but I've got a kid who is feisty, adorable, and who loves life. Having a third child is a scheduling nightmare, presents innumerable challenges to my work life, and causes me to run out of the house wearing mismatched shoes at times, but I can't imagine a world without him.
And there's always spell check.
Good mothers forgive themselves and continue - it doesn't matter which child it is. The first child gets all you can give. The second child doesn't get less but you are more confident that they are getting all that they need. The third child - well I don't know because I don't have one - but I do know this. Good mothers raise children who are confident, happy, secure and much loved. If you can do that with the first then it doesn't matter how many more you have - they are all blessed.
Posted by: Aimee | Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 04:51 PM
Oh PLEASE, you are chaperoning the field trip!!!! How can you even put yourself in the bad mother category? As far as I'm concerned all children should learn self-sufficiency at an early age. Too bad I didn't figure that out until I had my third child :)
Posted by: Beth Sperber Richie | Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 09:26 PM
You are a great mother because you ponder these things and because your third is perfectly wonderful!
Posted by: Hope Doyle | Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 10:39 PM
Give yourself a hug! You are a GOOD mom! I am a 3rd child and know what a good mom looks like! We, 3rd children, are quite perceptive at an early age and realize our parents are doing the best they can for us along with the other 50 million things they have to do. We know, not think, that:
~ when you aren't paying attention to us, it is because you trust us. This is critical because the older kids constantly call us "the baby" in a tone that suggest we don't know anything.
~ we have fewer rules because we are your favorite. It doesn't dawn on us that you are too tired to enforce rules.
~ you don't sterilize every thing that comes near us like you did with the first child because you realize a bit of dirt will strengthen our immune system.
~ God sent us to you to bring humor into your life, so we are determined to keep you smiling!
Give yourself and your 3rd child a hug and sing loudly, "I am a Good Mom!"
Posted by: Avis H | Sunday, June 13, 2010 at 10:45 PM
My third child spent the first several years of her life thinking her name was "Get-in-the-car."
Posted by: Alison | Monday, June 14, 2010 at 03:01 PM