Lights, Camera, Action: A Working Mom's Imaginary Home Movie

Work Wednesday

When I woke up on Sunday morning, my husband steered me to the front-page New York Times article, "Families' Every Fuss, Archived and Analyzed." "It's fascinating," he said. He was right.

The Times piece reported on the findings of a study by researchers at U.C.L.A.'s Center on Everyday Lives of Families who spent one week videotaping "nearly every, at-home moment" in the lives of 32 families from the Los Angeles area over a three-year period. The goal of the study was to "capture capture a relatively new sociological species: the dual-earner, multiple-child, middle-class American household." In other words, my family.

The 1,450 hours of video - and the article - contained a ton of data about the way we live now: "a fire shower of stress, multitasking and mutual nitpicking," according to the Times. Some of it unsurprising. Like the fact that mothers still do most of the housework, spending 27 percent of their time on it, on average, compared with 18 percent for fathers and 3 percent for children. Some of it unpredictable. For example, the fact that mothers were more likely to be watching TV when alone with a child than fathers, who were more likely to be engaged in some activity. Huh? Some of it eye-opening. Like the correlation between clutter on the fridge door and the amount of clutter elsewhere in the house. (If you can't get enough, you can read more about the study in UCLA Today.) And all of it disturbing.

Sunday's story made me wonder about what the U.C.L.A researchers might have caught on tape had they filmed my family. I'd like to think that we're happier and less harried than the families described in the article. Then, again, we all have our moments. And, thankfully, most of them aren't captured on video for anthropological and archaeological excavation. (Yes, the team included a U.C.L.A. archaeologist who counted objects and measured storage space to explore the effects of consumerism on family life.)

Still, I thought I could imagine some revealing family moments based on some of the observations in the article. So, I did, keeping in mind the team of researchers filming in the background. Any resemblance to real individuals, dead or alive, including my own family, of course, is unintentional. This is entirely a work of fiction . . . .

Video Clip #1: Showtime!

From the NYT: "The coordination it [juggling family and work] takes, it’s more complicated than a theater production,” said Elinor Ochs, the U.C.L.A. linguistic anthropologist who led the study. “And there are no rehearsals.”

Script notes. It's morning. The mother is standing in the front hallway wearing her coat, holding an enormous bag containing everything she needs for the day -- work papers, lunch, snacks, daughter's ice skates, drycleaning, son's "show and tell" contribution, overdue library books, etc. She calls to her school-aged child.

Mother: "Sweetie, it's time to go. Let's get the show on the road!"

Child: "I'm not ready."

Mother (realizing child is half-dressed): "Why aren't your shoes on? I asked you to put them on twice. Now, you're going to be late to school and I am going to be late for work."

Child: "I can't find them."

 Mother: "Did you look?"

Mother: "No?" (Sighs.) Let's go look in the playroom!" 

(The mother mumbles something about an early morning phone call and turns her face away from camera so the video equipment can't quite catch the rest of her sentence. The shoe hunt commences. Mother is seen striding through ankle-high toys, papers, videos, books, stray socks, and other laundry items.  Camera searches the room for the shoes.)

Mother:  "Where did you take them off last night?"

Child: "I don't remember."

Mother (voice escalating slightly): "How can you not remember?  You should put them back in the same place every night. It's your responsibility . . . All right, just wear your old pair. We are going to be really late."

Child: "I don't want my old shoes. I only want my pink sneakers."

Mother: "Then wear your sandals."

Child: "My sandals give me blisters."

Mother: "I don't care." (Actually, to her credit, mother doesn't say this.  But you can tell she is thinking it.) "Let's get some band-aids."

(Child crawls under bed and produces pink sneakers.)

Mother: "O.K., let's go. We are so late!  Where are my house keys? Sh . . . t, where are my keys?

(Mother begins to fling things off surfaces in attempt to find keys.)

Child: "Don't you remember where you left them last night? It's your responsibility . . . ."

Mother: "Cut!" (Sighs) "I can't believe we have to do this again, tomorrow."

Video Clip #2: Inside Out

From the NYT: "Parents generally were so flexible in dividing up chores and child-care responsibilities . . . that many boundaries were left unclear, adding to the stress. The couples who reported the least stress tended to have rigid divisions of labor, whether equal or not. 'She does the inside work, and I do all the outside, and we don’t interfere” with each other, said one husband.'"

Script notes. The action takes place in the kitchen. It's late at night. The wife looks tired. The husband is checking his Blackberry (or some other electronic device).

Wife: "Honey, can you load the dishwasher?"

Husband: "That's not my job. Remember, the U.C.L.A. study said our lives would be less stressful if we'd stick to rigid divisions of labor. You're inside, I'm outside. I won't interfere.

(Wife loads dishwasher. Some time lapses. Wife is seen folding laundry in another room.)

Wife: "Honey, can you please help me fold the laundry?"

 Husband: "Honey. We both agreed that it would be less stressful if we had clearly defined responsibilities and boundaries. I'm outside, you're inside. So, you get to fold the laundry."

Wife: "All right, I'll fold the laundry while you pack the kids' lunches for tomorrow."

Husband: "That doesn't fit in the outside work category, either."

The wife and husband start to argue. The camera operator, just like the researcher in the Times article, goes outside to escape the escalating argument.  Husband suddenly appears outside as if propelled by great force. He begins to bang on the front door.

Husband (yelling loudly): "Let me in! Let me in! It's freezing out here!"

Wife: "Remember, you're outside, I'm inside."

Video Clip #3: The Great Outdoors

From the NYT: "The more that women engaged with their husbands in the evening, talking about the day, the faster their cortisol [a stress hormone in the saliva that researchers measured four times a day during the study] dropped. But the men’s levels tapered more slowly when talking with a spouse."

And later in the article: "Outside the homes, the yards were open and green - but 'no one was out there,' said Jeane E.Arnold, a U.C.L.A. archaeologist who worked on the study. One family had a 17,000-square foot yard, with a pool and trampoline, and not even the children ventured out during the study."

Script notes. A couple is sitting together in what appears to be a living room. It is filled with clutter. The children, who have been put to bed earlier, have repeatedly left their beds to ask for water. Or to go to the potty. Or  to demand another story. At last the children are asleep, and the couple (who, according to the study, are only together awake in in their houses for 10% of the day) is alone.

Wife: "How was your day?"

Husband: "I don't feel like talking about it."

Wife: "Why not?"

Husband: "I just don't."

Wife: "Well, how about you ask me about my day? It really makes me feel better when I share things with you."

Husband: "I can't."

Wife: "Why not?"

Husband: "If I talk to you, my cortisol levels will taper more slowly. I have to spit in the cup in an hour and I don't want to be too stressed."

Wife: "O.K. Then go outside and mow the lawn instead."

Husband: "Now? It's really late."

Wife: "Yeah, well it's your outside work."

Husband: "But it's dark out there . . . ."

Wife: "I'll go out with you. Let's go now!"

(The scene shifts. The couple have ventured outside.)

 Husband: "Help! Now, I'm all wet. Gross! No one's cleaned the pool."

Wife: "That's outside work."

Photo courtesy of Marco Gomes via Flickr.com.

Comments

[Katherine]

Hah! This is terrific! Very funny scenes.

Just yesterday my husband and I sat down and designated one person to be the primary one in charge of each of the household tasks. I definitely think it was causing us stress (what a nice euphemism) to have nobody explicitly in charge. This way, when I help cook dinner, I can feel good that I'm helping him with one of his tasks; or when he helps fold laundry he can feel good that he's helping with one of my tasks. Instead of, hypothetically speaking, both of us resenting the other for not doing "enough" or "a fair share".

[David]

excellent post Stace! Just the other day I had a dream about you guys: you told the kids it's time for bed, and they went to sleep without hassles (in our house this is the stuff of dreams). So that's not how it goes in your house? That study looks fascinating. It reminds me of one I read where couples were monitored in this way to see what makes for a successful relationship. One point was ambiguous to me. Do husbands' cortisol levels drop more slowly than their wives' levels, when they're talking with their spouse, or do they drop more slowly than they would if they didn't talk. I would think it's the former because the UCLA link says the levels tend to be correlated, meaning a husband is better off talking with his wife about the day if only to drop her cortisone levels! Anyway, all very interesting. Thanks.