Writing this particular blog is a bit of a departure for me, as I'm not usually one to talk so openly about my life. In order to understand why, you need to know a few things about me. The first is that I'm a rather private person who prefers not to admit things aren't going that well because (a) I don't like to sound like I'm complaining and (b) I don't like to admit I don't have everything under control. The second is that I don't like to ask for help (refer to previous point b). I'm also a bit of a perfectionist and I'm used to succeeding at most things I try.
Not too long ago, Katherine mentioned to me she'd be interested to know how I'm balancing work and the new baby. Unfortunately, the best answer I have right now is "not as well as I expected."
A few weeks ago I blogged about my regret in not taking a true maternity leave and in that same blog mentioned it was because I was vying for a new job. Well, I got the job, which has been bittersweet for me. The job is wonderful. It's finding the time to do the job that I've having trouble with. Though it's getting done and done well, with a new baby in the house, I'm finding it very difficult to make time for work.
If you're one of the women who still believe we can have and do it all without sacrificing anything, it's probably a good idea to stop reading now. If you get uncomfortable when you hear someone admit that the tips for fitting it all in as a work-from-home mother don't always work, it's time to move on, too. There are some wonderful tips out there. Laureen Miles Brunelli , a colleague at About.com who writes about work-at-home moms, talks about the art of working during nap time and learning to multi-task effectively. All of the advice is sound, but it just isn't working for me.
And so I have struggled to find solutions and workarounds to this dilemma. When Stacy wrote about the study that found working moms' self-esteem is at risk when their partners are competent helpers, I read with interest and pondered whether this is true in my case. It may be, but I have to ignore it because that is one of my workarounds. I'm lucky enough to have a husband who truly loves to be a father and is very good at it. He also values my need to have an identity beyond "mom" and has recently rearranged his work schedule to provide me with a few hours in the morning dedicated to writing.
My other solutions?
- I've broken down and asked for help. My mother watches the baby for one day a week so I can work.
- I'm learning to let some household things go. The laundry is clean and folded but it's piled in baskets, not put away.
- I've decided that another half an hour here and there of computer time or video games isn't going to corrupt my 7-year-old to the point of no return. After all, the kid is way ahead in school and has the conversational skills and vocabulary of a forty-year-old.
- I'm walking the line between giving up and giving in. My teenager's room is an absolute pigsty and it's going to stay that way. I don't have the time or energy to fight about it or clean it myself.
Only a few of these solutions actually give me more time to work and none of them address the fact that taking care of the baby takes time--time well spent--but time nonetheless. What they do is take away some of the need to multitask and be perfect. For now, childcare is not an option, so I think it's going to be an ongoing struggle to find ways to work and be mom. So I ask you readers, how do you make it work?
I think if anyone out there says that they do it all and have their sh*t together ALL the time... they are either delusional or LYING.
Life happens. We try our best to spend as much quality time with our kids as we can while still doing the things that we want to do.
We take those moments of quiet that we can get and TREASURE them. We relax, we get something done.
Then we wonder if we have done enough for our child, made the right choices, given the right advice, hugged them enough, said 'I love you' enough, let them know how much they mean and how special they are, and oh yeah... are they eating healthy?
Then the cycle starts again. We are parents. We have many jobs. Finding that balance is very hard... and like walking on a tightrope, we are constantly swaying back and forth and shifting focus. There is no other way. IMO :)
Posted by: Shelly | Wednesday, April 14, 2010 at 09:26 PM
I watched one woman at work look like she had it all - she in fact set the standard that executive management expects for all its working mothers. The truth (once I became friends with her and got the inside scoop): her marriage is on the rocks big time, she is on an anti-depressants and in therapy, she barely sees her children who throw fits as they are being dropped off at daycare and are often the last picked up.
I didn't play it that way and was part of the last round of layoffs. Best thing that ever happened to me. I now have my on-line business, I am with my son everyday, my husband and I are developing a stronger relationship (after the strain put on our marriage from my corporate life) and the most important thing - I AM HAPPY! :)
Posted by: Paula | Thursday, April 15, 2010 at 10:16 AM
Amanda, I am proud to say that the things you say you're learning to let go I waved bye to months -- if not years -- ago. I greedily and happily get help from family and friends with child care, including pick-up playdates in the neighborhood. I've dressed my kids and myself from the clean laundry basket for quite some time. And I don't even have a baby!
I hope that yours begins to nap soon. I have never been able to work while also caring for my child, but if you're used to it I can imagine it would be frustrating to lose that!!
Hope to get another installment of your personal life before long. :)
Posted by: Katherine | Saturday, April 17, 2010 at 10:01 PM
This blog really hit home for me. I have a 7 month old son and went back to work when my son was 9 weeks old. I work in a corporate environment and have grasped every bit of flexibility that I can. I've taken the earliest shift possible and work from home 1.5 days each week. My husband works a later shift so we get away with only a few hours of child care each day. I have a pretty intensive side job/hobby as a singer that I won't give up - even though sometimes I think it could put me under.
If my job would consistently stay at 8 hours a day I think I could manage, but it never does. It takes everything out of me to try to get in more emails and projects from home and not get angry when my son tries to pound on my keyboard. When I do get angry, I remind myself that it is anger towards unrealistic work expectations and not my son's curiosity.
To the passive observer (and even to those who know me well) I appear to have everything together. Some days I even fool myself into thinking the same. But the truth is I pray for the day that I can leave my corporate job. I multitask in ways that may seem impressive to others, but end up making me feel frantic. Most days I'm lucky if I leave the house in matching clothes, let alone unwrinkled (I had to giggle at the clean basket - I barely remember where my closet is!). My husband and I are two ships passing in the night. And each night I collapse exhausted, dreading the Monday through Friday when I have to leave the house before dawn and miss so many precious hours with my baby.
What keeps me going is that I know it will get better - I just have to keep reaching for and working towards it. And knowing that I'm not alone doesn't hurt either!!
Posted by: Amanda | Sunday, April 18, 2010 at 11:37 PM
It takes time to settle down to your work routine but with careful manipulation you sure can .
Posted by: babyhawk mei tai | Thursday, June 03, 2010 at 12:03 PM
I am extremely impressed along with your writing skills as well as with the format in your blog. Is this a paid subject or did you modify it your self? Anyway stay up the excellent quality writing,it's uncommon to see a great blog like this one nowadays..
Posted by: Pamela | Friday, September 13, 2013 at 01:33 PM