Family Friday
Before my husband and I had our third child, one seasoned father-friend used a basketball metaphor to describe the process of expanding one's family. In his words:
"OK, you have one kid, and you can work out sort of a zone defense system with your co-parent. You can pretty easily trade off responsibility, depending on where exactly the child is in the house and what your respective schedules are like. When you have a second one, you have to switch to a man-to-man defense. Basically, you watch one child, and your spouse watches the other. This can get challenging, but it's still a pretty straightforward situation."
We then asked him what happens when you add a third child. After a beat, his wife replied: "They kick your ass!"
Was she ever right! Once the children outnumber the parents, the whole game plan changes. Let's say that, at any given moment, you give your full, undivided attention to one kid, and your co-parent does the same with the second one - that still leaves one child left to its own little devices. If you try to take all three children out by yourself, one of them will have to settle for grasping your arm, because you do not have enough hands for each one. If you take one kid and your spouse takes two, or vice versa, you each come home ready for a break - at the same time.
On the other hand, three kids can be a blast! For instance, they can entertain themselves in their own little kid-world - one of my favorite sounds in the world is the kids making each other laugh. With three children in the house, life certainly doesn't get boring (or quiet).
Factors to consider:
Before my husband and I had our third child, one seasoned father-friend used a basketball metaphor to describe the process of expanding one's family. In his words:
"OK, you have one kid, and you can work out sort of a zone defense system with your co-parent. You can pretty easily trade off responsibility, depending on where exactly the child is in the house and what your respective schedules are like. When you have a second one, you have to switch to a man-to-man defense. Basically, you watch one child, and your spouse watches the other. This can get challenging, but it's still a pretty straightforward situation."
We then asked him what happens when you add a third child. After a beat, his wife replied: "They kick your ass!"
Was she ever right! Once the children outnumber the parents, the whole game plan changes. Let's say that, at any given moment, you give your full, undivided attention to one kid, and your co-parent does the same with the second one - that still leaves one child left to its own little devices. If you try to take all three children out by yourself, one of them will have to settle for grasping your arm, because you do not have enough hands for each one. If you take one kid and your spouse takes two, or vice versa, you each come home ready for a break - at the same time.
On the other hand, three kids can be a blast! For instance, they can entertain themselves in their own little kid-world - one of my favorite sounds in the world is the kids making each other laugh. With three children in the house, life certainly doesn't get boring (or quiet).
Factors to consider:
Your Personal Experience. If you grew up with a whole bunch of siblings, you may or may not view large families in a positive light. Depending on your own experience, you may want a similarly boisterous environment for your children – or you may not. Or, the opposite may be true - in my case, I was the youngest by almost a decade, so I was kind of like an only child with four parents. For my own kids, I envisioned a more playful, exciting, Brady Bunch-like environment - and I think that is what made the difference for me when making that third-child decision.
Your Personal Space Bubble. For better or for worse, growing up as a de facto only child shaped my preference for a huge personal space bubble. I don't feel comfortable unless I have a lot of privacy, and I'm just not into sharing bathrooms or the like. Keep in mind that the more kids you have, the more people will be up in your bubble, hanging on your leg, and interrupting you when you're trying to complete a thought. As a parent, this may drive you nuts. Ironically, however, for your kids, having more siblings might be fairly adaptive, as they will become accustomed much earlier to the idea of sharing space and cooperating with others.
Your Personal Philosophy. You may worry that you won't be able to give each child adequate attention if you add more of them to your family. The key here, however, is how you define "adequate." If you hold a "child-centered" philosophy, your definition will likely differ from that of someone who thinks today's children are too spoiled and overindulged. I tend to fall somewhere in the middle here – I think it's important to give children individualized attention, but I don't feel it's necessary (or even beneficial) that they receive all the attention they want any time they want it.
Here's the trickiest part – now that you've weighed your own experiences and feelings, your spouse/potential co-parent needs to do the same. Then you need to compare notes and come up with a plan you agree on. Remember that the good, the bad, and the ugly about your relationship with your spouse will only become exaggerated as you add more children to the mix. Consider how you feel about your relationship as co-parents right now – if you truly enjoy it and find fulfillment, then more may indeed be merrier. On the flip side, if you fight constantly about money now, imagine how much more intense this might become with more children in the picture.
A word of warning: just anecdotally, I know quite a few couples who put so much thought and choreography into conceiving their first two children that they half-believed that conception required such intense planning. So when the pregnancy test came back positive, they were quite shocked indeed that Number Three had gotten started. The point is - don't put this co-parenting discussion off, and if you decide to stop having children, then take the necessary steps.
I'd be very interested to hear your experiences – how many siblings did you grow up with? How many kids do/did you want, and how many did you end up having? How do you feel now about your decisions?
Your Personal Space Bubble. For better or for worse, growing up as a de facto only child shaped my preference for a huge personal space bubble. I don't feel comfortable unless I have a lot of privacy, and I'm just not into sharing bathrooms or the like. Keep in mind that the more kids you have, the more people will be up in your bubble, hanging on your leg, and interrupting you when you're trying to complete a thought. As a parent, this may drive you nuts. Ironically, however, for your kids, having more siblings might be fairly adaptive, as they will become accustomed much earlier to the idea of sharing space and cooperating with others.
Your Personal Philosophy. You may worry that you won't be able to give each child adequate attention if you add more of them to your family. The key here, however, is how you define "adequate." If you hold a "child-centered" philosophy, your definition will likely differ from that of someone who thinks today's children are too spoiled and overindulged. I tend to fall somewhere in the middle here – I think it's important to give children individualized attention, but I don't feel it's necessary (or even beneficial) that they receive all the attention they want any time they want it.
Here's the trickiest part – now that you've weighed your own experiences and feelings, your spouse/potential co-parent needs to do the same. Then you need to compare notes and come up with a plan you agree on. Remember that the good, the bad, and the ugly about your relationship with your spouse will only become exaggerated as you add more children to the mix. Consider how you feel about your relationship as co-parents right now – if you truly enjoy it and find fulfillment, then more may indeed be merrier. On the flip side, if you fight constantly about money now, imagine how much more intense this might become with more children in the picture.
A word of warning: just anecdotally, I know quite a few couples who put so much thought and choreography into conceiving their first two children that they half-believed that conception required such intense planning. So when the pregnancy test came back positive, they were quite shocked indeed that Number Three had gotten started. The point is - don't put this co-parenting discussion off, and if you decide to stop having children, then take the necessary steps.
I'd be very interested to hear your experiences – how many siblings did you grow up with? How many kids do/did you want, and how many did you end up having? How do you feel now about your decisions?
My 3 children are now 8, 10 and 14, and it's both a delight and utterly exasperating to live with my wonderful family. I grew up with one sister 5 years younger than me, and my husband's sister was 8 years younger than him. We both knew we wanted three, although I'm not sure I can parse the reasons. I love the dynamic of three kids - and we're lucky that our age and gender separations have made them pretty close and there isn't a lot of fighting and squabbling. But boy, when #3 came along and for several years after, I felt like I had fallen into an abyss, never to climb back out. Today, I have a more manageable life, but crave solitude like it was crack.
Posted by: Karen Paul-Stern | Friday, April 09, 2010 at 11:29 AM
I just had my third child in February. The children are 14, 7 and 2-months old which truly represents an insane age difference. I have to agree with Karen--adding the third child does sometimes feel like falling into the abyss. We can't figure out how this tiny little person makes it feel as though there are 15 children in our house!
I'm one of 3, my husband is one of 4, so we both remember what it was like growing up in a house in which the man-to-man defense was no longer an option. However, I'm the middle child and he's the oldest, so our memories of how it worked are very different. My recollection is of everyone vying for attention and fighting because of it, his recall is of all his siblings getting along and playing together.
What I find extraordinary is that #3 makes me identify with my parents more than I ever did before. I keep thinking that this is what it must have been like for them when they were in their mid-30s and it provides me with a whole new respect.
Posted by: Amanda Morin | Friday, April 09, 2010 at 01:59 PM
I've noticed some similarities between families of one, two and three children. The families with one child seem to have the strongest inclination for order, calm, and everything going according to plan. The big families have the biggest tolerance for chaos. What I wonder is, were they like that before they decided on their family size, or was it a consequence?
Posted by: Katherine | Saturday, April 17, 2010 at 10:15 PM