Desperately Seeking The Beauty In The Big Blowout

Truth Tuesday

I just witnessed two children tear each other apart.

Not so much with their hands, but with their words. Biting words. Harsh. Intended to sting.

Both kids in tears, yet they kept at it. And at each other. It was ugly. And uncomfortable (for me, for sure).

Oh wait....the best part? The kids....yea.....forgot that part...both mine. All mine! My two loving children. Except they weren't loving. More like hating. Of each other. 

So what happened? Today my kids, ages 12 and 10, were playing with their two lifelong best friends from next door, both roughly the same age. Not sure exactly what transpired or how, but apparently one of my children verbally embarrassed the other in front of the whole group.

The embarrassed one was so upset that he/she (like how I did that?) chased the other around the block threatening him/her with all sorts of bodily and other harm.

By the time I started to hear of the incident(s) and figure out what is happening, both were sitting on the sofa in my family room, panting, red-faced, sweating and with filthy feet from running around the neighborhood barefoot. 

Instead of trying to make peace and remind them of their innate love for one another (ahem), I decided to try another route. The "Let-It-All-Out" Route. The route where you can say whatever you want without fear of bodily harm of parental punishment.

Oy.

So, as you might expect, they let each other have it. It wasn't pretty. The "F Bombs" and other comparable words were flying. Accusations hurled. Hurts, disappointments, wrongdoings from as recently as today and as far back as last year were brought up. (We can talk another time about whether it is OK to let kids use certain words in certain situations.)

They went at each other (with only an occasional referee-ing by me, and only when it got too intense) until they were literally out of breath, out of words and out of fuel. They were both so emotionally and physically drained by the end of the Let-It-All-Out Session that they both just sat and started alternatively at me and into space just decompressing.

My kids are now old enough that they can decide and determine for themselves -- within reason and within the confines of being a good, honorable and decent human being -- who they like and how to act accordingly.

I can't make them like or love anyone. Politeness and respect are absolutes. Hugs and lovey-dovey-ness are not.

I can't make them be each other's best friend. And in fact, one of the conclusions I came to and shared with them is that I think it is best for each to steer clear of the other as much as possible over the coming days and perhaps beyond -- especially if one or both has a friend over.

I tried to approach this summit as I would my own relationships and situations with these key reminders top of mind:

• You can't control anyone but yourself. And by "anyone," I mean any of the six billion plus human beings on this planet who are not you -- and their their reactions, emotions, words or actions.

• Along those lines, your reactions, emotions, words or actions are all yours. No one else can control them, yet you have total control at all times over all of them. 

• Getting it all out, no matter how ugly it may seem, is infinitely better than keeping any of it in.

• Excuses are just lame. Take responsibility for whatever is yours. If you do it, think it or say it, own it.

• Sometimes a really well-placed and heartfelt curse word is more effective than anything else.

• Last but not least, we can't be attached to the outcome we think we want. In this situation, once I stopped wishing for kids who are best friends (maybe it will happen one day, maybe not), it became easier to focus on what they really wanted from one another. Once I stopped trying to make something specific happen, I was able to give them the space to just let it all out. (This also allowed me to not start the whole "How did I screw up as a parent?" inner dialogue.)

At the end of the day, we are all just human beings looking for appreciation, attention, encouragement and love.

Yes, even when we are tearing those we love apart. No more, no less.

So what happened with my kids? They are still brother and sister. They are still wounded from the "episode" and from multiple previous "episodes."

What they aren't anymore, though, is bottled up. They got it all out.

At least for today.

Comments

[Megan Matthieson]

:) getting it out is.....priceless.

[Craig Agranoff]

Who was chasing and who was running away?

Great article!

[Owen O'Malley]

Sounds like...reality tv at it's best. Might have to be on HBO or Showtime with all the curse words though.

[Mike LaMonica]

Thank you for that. I'm glad you let it play out. Kid on kid words don't worry me. I only have a problem when parents drop F-bombs and other things on their kids. In that case, words hit harder than a fist.

If it persists betwixt your children, I have a couple of fresh cans of whoopass at the ready. ~Mike

[Carolyn Lawson Low]

"peace at any price" is a terrible code to live by - the price can be so high. People who love each other sometimes fight - sometimes hate each other (in that moment).

The opportunity you gave them for release, to let it all out, safely, is a gift. And I suspect they'll look back at that as a (positive) turning point in their relationship. Someday (but probably not this week!)

And I agree with Mike about f-bombs - it's parents to kids that is MUCH more troubling. Or in the presence of grandparents :-(

[Lisa Marie Mary]

Very excellent points you made, Allison - and I, too, love that you let them just get it all out. We've had some long-standing wars in this house that just about drive me crazy. So this post was rather refreshing and liberating, can't exactly explain why, but, it just made me feel better.

[SHEdwards]

Hi, new here. Saw your post on FB. The verdict is out for me on this scenario. Adult tactics are to talk everything out especially if there has to be a continuing relationship, but for siblings to do it in this manner, I'm unsure. I'm not in favor of kids going through their childhood together feeling as if - at any time- they can express themselves in the same hurtful, accusatory manner. We all should definitely talk, share, and try to get along, but the flying words to hurt each other is a different purpose. Have you ever made, what you think is a minor traffic violation, and someone blazes your head off, shoots you the bird, and then attempts to derail you on the road? It's all a matter of perspective, patience, and having kindness.

I have two boys, one is the aggressor and the other is passive. The agressor has exhibited behavior of doing things out of anger. While I know he is still very age-apppropriate, he's 4, it's still out of order, inappropriate, and clearly not the best way to treat someone who has very little to do with his disposition. The passive one, 7 years old, is forever being blind-sided, blamed, and "chewed out" which I don't want that to be his reality growing up. I already know he's not as strong AND I know I can't protect him. But I can redirect his brother's anger and help them develop communication skills with each other.

So I'm a little sensitive to the scenario of letting all out war occur to get to the point of expressing yourself.