Working Moms and Marriage: More Joy, Less Divorce

Work Wednesday

I got an early Valentine this weekend. Not from any of the usual suspects - husband, kids, or mother. (Yes, my parents still send me a Valentine's Day card every year!) And, well, it wasn't really a Valentine. But it did feel like something to savor. It's a New York Times article about working women and their happy marriages. Happier (or at least more stable) than those of women who don't work.

In She Works. They're Happy., the Times' "Well" columnist, Tara Parker-Pope, reviews a number of studies on modern marriage (and cites some anecdotal examples) to conclude: "Over all, the evidence shows that the shifts within marriages — men taking on more housework and women earning more outside the home — have had a positive effect, contributing to lower divorce rates and happier unions." One reason: without the pressure to choose a husband solely on the basis of his "provider" capabilities, women marry men who are more likely to share in childrearing and domestic life.

What a relief! Most of the time the news about working women - and working moms especially - is dismal. Or at the very least, fraught. So, it feels good to read a positive piece.

And it makes sense to me. (Even though the happiness level in my own marriage has been challenged in the past few weeks by sickness and sleep deprivation.) I've long thought - in my limited eight years of marital bliss (well, mostly) - that some rough level of equality in education, social status, and income between partners helps a marriage prosper. That a more or less "marriage of equals"  - if not in the Shakespearean but in the professional sense - produces a happy couple.

I've mused, while folding the laundry, loading the dishwasher, and catching up on the latest work gossip and kid milestones with my husband, that I prefer our arrangement to the man-free life of the 1950's "housewife" conjured up by Sandra Tsing Loh in another New York Times piece published this weekend. (See My So-Called Wife from Sunday's op-ed section.) There, the breadwinner husband went off to work each day unencumbered by any domestic responsibilities (except, perhaps, mowing the lawn).  The wife, meanwhile, spent her day in an "agreeable roundelay of kitchen puttering and grocery shopping" followed by a "leisurely trip to the hair salon, a spot of tennis and a lively game of bridge. . . . ." In Tsing Loh's mid-century universe, the kids "are in school, then afterward they ride their bikes freely around the neighborhood, settling their own disputes and devising their own entertainments." (I don't share her faux-nostalgia, or agree with Tsing Loh's conclusion that "co-homemaking" leads to conflict, but I do enjoy her always provocative writing.)

I've also concluded that, for me, challenging work, a measure of economic security, and interesting opportunities are a better fit than the updated child-centered "housewife" model. It's not that I don't love my kids or want to spend time with them. (In fact, I work a reduced schedule at some cost to my career and my pocketbook so I can do so.) It's just that I'd rather be working than on chauffeur or recess duty. (Unfortunately, I can't escape all driving duties).

This, of course, is just me.  My preferences and values. My view of marriage and family. Which my husband shares. But I know many women - and men - who wouldn't agree with the choices (and compromises) my husband and I have made, and have different views about the best ways to raise children and sustain a marriage.

And, there are costs and inefficiencies - for my husband, our children, and me - from trying to stuff everything (work, family, life and house maintenance, leisure) into our busy days. (There are costs in other models of family life, too. Just different ones.) Egalitarian-inclined dual income couples face some challenges that traditional couples who have one spouse (typically, the wife) that takes charge  of the home front don't.  The issue of who takes care of the kids while the parents are at work, undoubtedly, is the Olympic hurdle of the modern two-earner couple's existence. (And on the less important end of the spectrum, who stays home for the plumber, is an unpleasant challenge on a busy workday.)

Plus, some of the studies Parker-Pope cites are more than a little fuzzy and not necessarily conclusive or universally applicable. I have many women friends who don't work outside the home and have - from my vantage point - very, very, happy marriages. (Interestingly, though, in many of these marriages, the husband - even if he works a lot - does a fair amount of the housework and childcare and the wife focuses far more on childcare than on housework and other domestic chores.) And I have other woman friends who work and have unhappy marriages with husbands who pitch in only when prodded.

Still, I'll take what I can get. For me, the validation (less divorce, more joy) of the choices my husband and I have made - or at least the affirmation of the value of a more egalitarian model of marriage - seems as sweet as any Valentine's chocolate.

Note: I'm submitting today's blog to the About.com Working Moms' blog carnival, which is part of the Fem 2.0 campaign to highlight the workplace experiences of everyday Americans.

Photo by victoriapeckham via Flickr.

Comments

[Karen Paul-Stern]

Stacy - as always, your thoughts resonate with me.

I vacillate between loving being home with my kids in the afternoons (and having chauffeuring, playdate and other house-related duties) and having it all make me want to stick pins in my eyeballs from the tedium. No doubt, I have the best of both worlds. I have grownup days (that are on my own terms and schedule as a consultant) where I work, get paid, get positive feedback and get to have lunch, and then I get to oversee my kids' after school lives and be a part of that too.

But there are still sacrifices, including taking myself off the roster for big, well-paying, visible, senior jobs in my field, as well as the stress of balancing nighttime meetings with clients with bowls of spaghetti for the 4th night in a row. As a consultant, I am supposed to make every client feel like they are my only charge, and my kids feel that way by default. I get pulled in many different directions in a day.

Still, there is no doubt that being a mom who works makes me a better and happier partner to my husband, when I eventually get around to his needs, which sadly, often fall much lower on the daily list.

[Katherine]

This is a fascinating set of articles and studies. Thanks for writing about them -- it's definitely contrary to the research that I've seen cited about traditional gender role marriages having less stress. As a working mom, I definitely think my marriage is better for having a rich professional life that fulfills me.

Also, I have to take issue with the "my so-called wife" piece you cite. She's describing a terrible marriage, in my opinion, not a fantasy. The wife glazes over during the husband's monologue about his day - and the sex afterwards? Who wants that?? I wouldn't want to be either partner in that supposed idyllic picture.

I want (and have) a life partner who actually cares what I have to say, who carries an equal load at home and on the breadwinning front, and it's absolutely mutual.

[Kate Ashford @ HerTwoCents]

I completely agree with you. At a certain point (as I have more children), the cost of childcare is probably going to eclipse my salary, but the cost of not working is my sanity and the equal footing my marriage currently enjoys. If I didn't work, I know I'd feel less able to ask for help with the household things and less fulfilled because I wouldn't be doing what I really want to do. Nobody wins in that equation. Great post.

[Katrina]

This article is such a lie I love how they try to lie to the American women I have never been happier since I quit my horrible job. As a matter of fact I have always hated every single one of my 'jobs' that when my husbands business finally took off and he played the breadwinner leadership role I was able to finally stay home clean house, cook, sleep in if I want, go shopping when I feel like it, go get my nails done, go have lunch with the girls, and just be a spoiled trophy wife. I don't know what I was thinking when I wasted all those years of my youth going to college just so that I can get a job where I have to 'follow rules' SCREW THAT! I can see how dumb and stupid I was when I was in my 20's and society sold me that BS about being a happy fullfilled woman meant having a career and family to jugle the saddest part is that I believed it! They were pissing in my leg and telling me it was raining and like a fool I believed it!

You know what happened? By the time I was 33 I was burned out my house was in shambles I was tired all the time I coulnd't manage my home and work life my husband was frustrated that the house looked like a hurricane went through it I was even too tired to cook dinner or have sex! NO THANKS! I will stay home instead if it means this much misery!

The thing I regret the most is how I had missed out on raising my child and that was my job not some baby sitters job what I regret the most was not being there to raise my daughter but at least now that she is in her teens I am making up for this loss. I don't regret quitting my job and living in domestic bliss and I been happy like this for a couple years now I don't see me getting bored or anything stupid like that there is so much to do at the house and so much to manage I don't understand why some women say that they go nuts if they stay at home I guess they're just still duped on that BS they sold us about a marriage being happier when the woman works outside the home. Just keep lying to yourselves.

[Stacy]

Katrina, I'm not sure if you're for real or if this is some sort of put-on, but if this is really your view, I think your line about wanting to be a "spoiled trophy wife" says it all. There are a lot of us who want way more for ourselves and our children than some sort of vacuous existence. (That's true whether we work outside the home or not. There are many woman who don't hold outside jobs who make important contributions to their communities and society at large through volunteer activities.) I'm sorry you're so angry but I don't think we're the ones fooling oursevles.

[Relationships by XR Jax]

Republican Mitt Romney who opposes same-sex marriage. Where Romney may disappoint social conservatives is that no one believes that President Romney would do anything to stop gay marriages.