Truth Tuesday
I became a mother 12 years ago this very day.
I was as clueless, overwhelmed and temporarily remorseful (Why did I do this?!) as they come. "Out of my element" doesn't even begin to describe it.
And all the while, during that first year and for several years beyond, I strived for perfection. Everything needed to be under control. Organized. Just right. Exactly as planned.
I may have started out in the Minor Leagues of Motherhood, but I was determined to win Mother of the Year for every year following that.
I was on top of stuff.
I planned.
I made lists.
I was A Great Mom.
And inherent in being a Great Mom, of course (or so I believed), was the Perfect Family. In my case, the Perfect Family was Great Mom, Great Dad, Adorable Son and Equally Adorable Daughter. (Later Adorable Dog came along too.)
The years passed and everything was fine. Or more than fine: It was perfect. Just perfect!
I lightened up a little in the Perfect Department and started to be OK with "good enough" and even (gasp!) "just OK" sometimes. The kids got older, and I stopped judging myself. Not entirely, but I was in Recovery.
Fast forward to this year. For reasons that I won't go into here and now, my husband -- the father of my two kids and a key member of the Perfect Family -- and I split up and divorced.
I've heard that the first year of separation/divorce is particularly rough for both the parents and the kids. While we have certainly had our moments, there has been no trauma, no drama and no major fanfare in any way.
We are all still a family. We have dinner together. We celebrate holidays together. We sit together at the kids' events. In fact, as I told my daughter just the other day, in some ways her Dad and I get along better now than many of her friends' married parents do. (I'm just the messenger -- not judging...).
And you know what? I am not above patting myself on the back for being able to pull this off. All-too-many divorces are mired down in anger and resentment and deep, deep pain on both sides. (Actually on all sides, when you count the kids.) I'm not perfect nor is my Ex. But, like I said, we have both handled this situation pretty darn well.
SO what's wrong? Well....nothing....except people's constant need to make comments to me about our "unconventional" situation?
"You are getting the kids' hopes up," they tell me.
(My kids know we are divorced and no one is getting remarried to the same person.)
"Isn't it strange to hang out with [Name of Ex] socially?"
(Um, no. I was together with the guy for 15 years, since I was 23-years-old for heaven's sake. Why would it be strange?)
"What happens when one of you has a serious boyfriend/girlfriend? Won't that be stressful?"
(Why should it be stressful? I can't imagine either of us would date someone who didn't respect this arrangement.)
Now....it is possible I am naive. And maybe the you-know-what will hit the fan at some point. But I honestly believe two people who once were married and now are not married can act respectfully toward one another. That they can be real friends who, as a family with their children, create memories, celebrate milestones and make it work.
Not "work" in the "We Are So Perfect, Nothing Is Wrong Here" way, but "work" in a real-life, simple is better way. For each other and for the kids.
So on my boy's 12th birthday, the 12th anniversary of the day I first became a Mom, I want to say that my family may not look like your family and your family may not look like your next-door neighbor's family but as long as the key ingredients -- love, respect, laughter, trust, shared values -- are there, you are doing just fine.
And by "just fine," I mean perfect.
For me, it doesn't matter whether you planned to be a mom or not. What is important is that you know you're responsibility and you do it all.
Posted by: Parenting Magazine | Tuesday, December 29, 2009 at 01:17 PM
I love this post -- both for how beautifully it's written and the important message. When people hear I have a stepdaughter, they always assume it's some contentious arrangement with everyone bitter or angry at each other. Instead, we sound a lot like your "perfect family": regular calls, visits, meals together and normal, sane interactions among adults who share a deep love for the same young lady. Why is that so hard for people to understand?
Posted by: Katherine | Wednesday, December 30, 2009 at 09:48 AM
As a single dad with full custody of my kids, we are also 'unconventional'. But our family works just fine for us.
Thanks for the great post!
MrMomInVA
Posted by: Bob Snitchler | Wednesday, December 30, 2009 at 10:10 AM
This post has so many important lessons for everyone. Perfect families come in many different variations. As long as everyone feel genuinely loved and respected it's all good.
Posted by: Kimberly Ben | Wednesday, December 30, 2009 at 10:19 AM