Gender Roles and Parenting: Revisiting Women's Studies

Family Friday

No matter how progressive or educated we consider ourselves, preconceptions about appropriate gender roles continue to influence our lives.  Here are some examples from my recent experience (please note that I have changed some details to avoid embarrassing anyone).

1.  A woman who watches my three-year-old noted to my husband that Danny had yanked most of the stuffing out of his beloved alligator slippers.  She advised: "Just take them home and Jenny can sew them up."  My husband suppressed his guffaws until he had left the scene.

2.  A woman from our church (UU, which is about as liberal as church gets) left the following voice mail message at our home number:  "John D. Churchgoer had surgery yesterday and we'd like to deliver some meals to his house.  I was calling to find out if Jenny could provide a meal for him this week."

3.  A woman I know sent a gift to her nephew "Ken" and his wife "Mary," who just had a baby.  Several weeks later, the woman remarked to me that she had not yet received a thank-you note from Mary.  Note that Ken is the actual relative and that Mary is the one recovering from childbirth.

This thank-you note example really pushes my buttons.  When my husband and I got married twelve years ago, we agreed that I would write the thank-you notes for my friends and relatives, and he would write them for his.

I churned out my notes within a week or so of the honeymoon, while his....well, I'm not sure that they were ever entirely completed.  His intentions were sterling; his gratitude high.  However, he awaited inspiration to compose the perfect thank-you notes, and sadly, such inspiration never consistently produced itself.  The upshot: there are a lot of un-thanked people out there who are still pissed – at me.

In the 1990s, my twenty-something self railed against the damage that gender stereotypes have inflicted on women.  Specifically, I resented the assumption that I, as the woman, will perform what one of my gloriously angry college women's studies textbooks dubbed "the relational shit-work."  I received two X chromosomes; therefore, I must have the estrogen necessary to sew slippers, cook meals, and write thank-you notes.

My husband has pointed out another angle, one I had not previously considered.  He notes that many women have implied – or sometimes stated directly – that he just couldn't handle tasks such as cooking meals or caring for a small child, because men are really, really stupid.

Ever since he made this observation, I have started to notice this mindset too, especially now that we have both aged and reproduced.  I think my husband genuinely feels hurt by the assumption that he would botch any and all domestic tasks.  And, while he acknowledges that others likely judge me unfairly for the thank-you note debacle, he points out that people disproportionately blame him when the lawn looks crappy (which it usually does).

We therapists are big on living intentionally, meaning that whatever we do (stereotypical for our gender or not), we actively choose to do.  Living intentionally means not doing something simply because we feel obligated, or we worry about what others will think, or we fear that someone of the opposite gender would mess it up.  Note that I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with men or women performing gender-stereotypical tasks, as long as they are actively choosing to do so.  

And as parents, I think it's important for both men and women to model a wide repertoire of behaviors.  As you well know, kids learn by what they see every day, so be sure that the messages you send are intentional. 

If you do see your kids falling into gender traps, turn the tables on them.  My good friend provided this very true and very recent example involving her soon-to-be-nine-year-old son:

Son: "You need to wash these dishes, mom."

Mom: "I beg your pardon?"

Son: "The sink is completely full of dirty dishes."  (Mom's comment: Tone implied that this was the part she wasn't getting).  "You need to wash them."

Mom:  "And why am I the one who needs to wash them?"

Son: "Because you are the only woman who lives here."

Bad move, kid.  That evening, he washed every single dirty dish in the house.

Later on, she asked him to tell his father what he had said.  Clearly regretful by this time, he said: "I don't know why that came out of my mouth.  It wasn't me talking, the words just came out..."

This demonstrates how easily we absorb gendered messages, as children and throughout our lives.  While not (overly) traumatized, this boy has undoubtedly learned a lesson he will remember into his dotage.  And his mom provided a great example of living intentionally.

By Jenny Douglas Vidas

Comments

[Jessica]

Hey Jenny,

It is funny, because as aware as I am of being stereotyped myself and protesting vehemently when it happens, I am very guilty of stereotyping Jeff in our roles. I don't often even give him the chance to make dinner, or do dishes, or sort laundry, because I always know I'll just do a better job. I should really try to intentionally give some of this up sometimes, even if the job isn't done exactly as I would do it.

On another note, I am reading Nurture Shock, which I am sure you have probably already read or at least heard about. I think it makes some very good points and will try to incorporate many of the ideas into my parenting, but something kept appearing again and again in the writing. Po Bronson co-wrote the book with a woman (can't remember her name, Amy something?) Anyway, it was more often "his" voice that came through. Several times, the authors made reference to women in terribly obnoxious, stereotypical, sexist, and downright shallow ways. Just two examples were flippant comments about women being innately drawn to high-heeled shoes and manicures. It almost made me throw the book across the room and never open it again. How infuriating. Haven't women shaken these assumptions off yet? Ugh.

[Tricia G]

Your thank you note story made me laugh. I had the exact same experience with wedding thank you notes and I still sometimes find myself cringing internally when I see friends of my husband's family, knowing that some of them were never thanked for gifts we use to this day. My husband has probably never given those unwritten thank you notes a second thought. For me, that might be the biggest gender difference--he moves on (which is healthy, I must admit) while I worry. Thanks for the post.

[Katherine]

What a wonderful story of the son and mom and dirty dishes. It is scary how much our children internalize gendered messages that we never transmit. Like my daughter telling me that girls can't do x, y, or z. Makes me want to scream -- or make someone else do a sink full of dirty dishes.

[Laura J]

Great article Jenny. I like your wit and observations.