Daddy Wars?

Fatherhood Friday 

 

I read in the newspaper yesterday that the so-called “mommy wars” ought to be reconsidered in light of the fact that the bigger, but largely hidden, story is that so many of the moms that stay home do so not by choice but through lack of opportunity.

The nugget that caught my attention, though, is that there are only 165,000 stay-at-home dads in the whole country. While the number shouldn’t be surprising (after all, how many stay-at-home dads do you know? Is it more than one?) it got me thinking that part of me wishes I could increase that number by one. But only part of me.

I’m the type of dad and husband who got a little jealous when my wife got to spend so much time with our boys when they were newborns. In the ensuing years, more often than not it was her schedule that was adjusted (i.e. 4 day work weeks, work from home) whenever we wanted or needed to have a parent with the kids for extended periods of time. We made these decisions that she would be at home with them, and they were definitely the right decisions for us.  But I was still a little jealous about what I was missing.

So now I’m about to leave my full-time job for a short term consulting gig with no promise of what comes next. And part of me wouldn’t mind if what comes next is to be a stay-at-home dad, for all the rewards and stressors that come with it. Based on the lifestyle we’d like for our family I don’t think it’s feasible (yes, that’s a choice we are making) but if it were . . .  

Yup, In theory I love the idea of leaving the rat race for an extended period of time.  But ultimately if I’m honest with myself I’m not sure if I could ever be comfortable with it for a reason I suspect that the overall numbers of stay-at-home dads are so low.

It’s not that I wouldn’t be the main source of income. My wife and I have always earned about the same income. If anything she earns slightly more than me. So I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t consider it an assault on my “manhood” if she was the breadwinner.

No, like most men I know, for better or for worse, too much of my identity is based on what I do for a living. It’s not that I would be embarrassed among my peers for making the choice to stay at home. It’s that I’m truly not sure how well I could function – both socially and internally – without having a career path and the growth opportunities and pitfalls that I’m used to.

I don’t want my job/career to be the defining feature of who I am. I’m trying to wean myself from that feeling, regardless of if I’m working full time at a job I love or not. But I think getting to the other end of the spectrum would be a herculean task. If I truly want to get there, that is.

(photo from http://a.abcnews.com/images/GMA/abc_business_dad_060308_sp.jpg)

Comments

[Punditdad]

I think the census data that you saw, which I too have seen, is antiquated in light of the economic downturn and I wouldn't be surprised if there are a 250,000 stay at home dads, of which I am one. Yes it's hard to find your identity, but really, when is it ever easy finding a role for the modern father/male? It's not Leave it to Beaver anymore and I see a lot of fathers' struggling with their roles. Being a stay at home dad is challenging, but I don't miss working, commuting or the petty office baloney that used to drive me crazy. My kid is happy, healthy and learning which is now the only "bonus" I get.