Sharing Saturday
Guest post by Julie Neraas
If you are the parent of a teenager, you know how hard it is when they move into a particularly cynical or sarcastic phase. Or when they dig in their heels thinking every parental idea is just plain stupid. It doesn't help much to know that all this fierce clinging to one, iron-clad perspective is armor protecting a vulnerable ego. Teenagers are often sure they just can't do whatever it is they are supposed to do. In such times, it's all you can do not to get hooked by their attitude.
One of your jobs as a parent is to bolster hope. When people have hope they know there is a way forward and they're pretty sure things can work out. And how does hope work? It looks for options. It sees openings. It spins realistic possibilities. But when kids are unsure of themselves, particularly teens with low self-confidence, it can be hard to believe that things really will work out.
Black and white, all-or-nothing thinking sounds like this: "You never let me use the car." "He always makes me come home by 10 p.m." "I'm totally stupid when it comes to math." "It's always been this way."
- Sometimes teens blow things up much bigger then they really are. Since it's too hard, it's not worth the effort to try.
- Fear is really tough at this age -- fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being "enough" - pretty enough, athletic enough, smart enough….
- Teens often feeling like they are all alone with whatever hurdle they face.
The good news is there are many things parents can do to strengthen hope:
- Try to frame things by finding out what kind of help your teen would like. Help in any form always bolsters hope.
- Ask them when this problem or feeling started. This often makes them aware that since things have not always been this way, they may not stay this way either.
- Remind your daughter or son that things are not "all or nothing" or "black or white." Give them an opportunity to hear another perspective – yours.
- Help your teen identify the things he or she doesn't have control over and also what they do have control over. This task can be really empowering for kids as they realize they have choices when responding to difficult challenges.
- Kids may need to "borrow" your hope for them. Lend them both the confidence you have in them and the hope you have for them. Remind them of times when they have succeeded at something that was difficult.
- Get them to voice their fears. This can deflate fear and make it more manageable. The old adage that the opposite of depression is expression has some real truth to it.
Finally, while you can't exactly program a sense of humor, it always helps. Humor can be one of the most transformative tools when dealing with any other person having a difficult time. So maybe ask yourself: What can I get them laughing about today?
Julie Neraas is the author of Apprenticed to Hope: A Sourcebook for Difficult Times. She is an ordained minister, spiritual director and associate professor at Hamline University and speaks regularly about hope; where it can guide you, how it can sustain you and what meaning it can bring to your life. For more information visit www.julieneraas.com
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