Have You Felt Judged as a Parent?

Family Friday

In recent months, women like Casey Anthony and Renee Bowman have come to symbolize Parenting Gone Horribly Awry.   Of course, less tragic examples of bad parenting abound, many of which appear to involve exceptionally poor judgment rather than "evil." 

Those of us in the Washington area may remember the mother who placed three children (ages 9, 8, and 3) into her trunk, closed the lid, then went barreling down Interstate 15 in her Volvo.  Fortunately, a police officer quickly intervened.  The mom's reasoning:  apparently the children wanted to see what it was like to ride in the trunk. 

Most of our mistakes as parents do not rise to this level.  I think that Bad Parent stories such as these appeal to so many of us simply because they make us feel better about our own parenting.   

When we assure ourselves that we would never do anything that stupid, it is relatively easy to get judgmental and smug about others' parenting.  This serves as a defense against our own feelings of inadequacy.  And sometimes what we react to are not others' mistakes per se, but simply parenting styles different from our own. 

When I start feeling smug toward other parents, it isn't long before I forget a permission slip or experience a similar mental lapse.  And I have certainly felt judged by other parents at times - let me share one example that still gets me steamed:

My husband and I take our children to Butler's Orchard frequently, especially in the fall and spring.  One October day when my daughter was about six months old, we set out on a hayride toward the pumpkin patch.  It was sixty degrees and sunny.  My daughter, then as now, disliked socks or slippers, and would invariably pull or kick them off.  This never bothered me, as I have always felt that if my feet aren't ventilated, my brain will overheat.  And on this hayride, her bare feet were waving for all to see.

A couple about our age, toting a few young children, sat across from us on the hay wagon.  The woman said that my daughter's feet looked cold and should have something covering them.  I pointed out that she had already kicked off her socks - and seemed quite happy about it too.  The woman frowned, then offered me a blanket.  I declined, but I did place my jacket over her feet.  My daughter kicked it away, giggling.  The woman continued frowning. 

The man in the couple then sidled up to my husband, saying, "Excuse me, but I'm a nurse, and I can tell that her feet are [some medical term - don't remember what]."  (Basically, it meant that her feet were too cold and were becoming discolored).  When I touched my daughter's pink feet, however, they felt warm, with slightly cool (but not cold) toes.  She smiled, laughed, and cooed. 

The woman then yanked an extra pair of socks out of her diaper bag and angrily insisted that I take them.  Again, I declined.  At this point, I'll admit that this woman was pushing some sort of eighth-grade button with me - the one where you do the opposite of whatever someone is ordering you to do. 

The couple glared at us throughout the hayride, and continued to do so as we all got out and selected pumpkins.  My husband and I made sure to catch a different hay wagon back to the parking lot.  As we made our way to the car, however, I glimpsed the scowling couple again - and they seemed to be following us!  As we made our escape, I wondered if they had recorded our license plate.  Thankfully, Child Protective Services never stopped by.

Can you imagine the headlines?  "Maryland Woman Allows Baby's Feet to Freeze on Autumn Hayride!" or "Hayride Mom Refused Offer of Socks!"

I truly believe that my daughter's feet were fine in that pumpkin patch, but I'm sure others may disagree.  For the record, my daughter's non-checkup pediatrician visits in her five years of life are as follows: one ear infection, one eye goop incident, and one instance last fall when she pushed a piece of  dandelion up her nose.  That is it.  The whole encounter left me very uncomfortable, insecure, and obviously somewhat defensive - even four years later.

What are your stories?  When have you felt judged as a parent?

By Jenny Douglas Vidas

 

Comments

[Pete F.]

O.M.G., some people should really mind thier own business although, I can see how thier thinking has been a little tainted in todays society in believing that our feet will fall off if left un-shod outside the shower or bedroom. If it makes you feel a little better, here's some info I have uncovered.
In general, being barefoot promotes healthy development of musculature in the feet and legs, while excessive reliance on shoes tends to promote atrophy and weakness in those same muscles. This suggests that overdependency on shoes can have serious consequences. A study published in the September 2006 issue of Arthritis and Rheumatism found that “modern shoes may exacerbate the abnormal mechanics of lower-extremity osteoarthritis.” Researchers concluded that maybe it was time to re-evaluate our daily walking programs,
presumably to include time for walking barefoot.
Dr. Lynn Staheli, who directed the orthopedics division at the Children's Hospital in Seattle for 15 years, documented that children raised in parts of the world where shoes are rarely worn had better flexibility, mobility, and strength, which resulted in fewer foot-related problems and injuries. In the 1960 classic “Take Off Your Shoes and Walk,” chiropodist Simon Wikler notes that children who go barefoot regularly develop stronger, healthier, and more functional feet than children who are generally shod. (He notes that a “constantly shoe-wearing tenderfoot” is rarely able to comprehend the innate capability of the human foot.) The following site covers such topics as when and when not to let children go barefoot, what doctors think, and parental testimonials. It also features excerpts from “Take Off Your Shoes and Walk.”
A recent study by UK scientists discovered that a common soil bacteria activates cells in the brain to produce serotonin and can alter behavior similar to antidepressants. This tells me that people walking around barefoot should be happier people.
In many parts of the world, reflexology paths and “barefoot parks” offer feet a chance to experience varieties of textured surfaces. In addition to biomechanical advantages of regular barefoot exercising, many holistic health practitioners believe the tactile stimulation underfoot while walking barefoot on natural surfaces has positive effects on body, mind and spirit.
Walking barefoot is also a good way to avoid athlete’s foot. Contrary to a widely believed myth, it is not the sole-to-ground contact that presents a risk so much as it is feet going back into the moist, dark, warm environment found inside shoes. Closed-toe shoes especially are ideal incubators for fungi and bacteria to live and breed. Allowing the feet to “breathe” also prevents foot odor.
I say you seem to be doing fine. As a parent of two teens I can say that none of us are perfect but we all do what we feel in our hearts in the best thing for our children and a little advice is welcome, but to be scowled at for allowing your kids to be comfortably barefoot is just being a bussy-body.

“Going barefoot is the gentlest way of walking and can symbolize a way of living-being authentic, vulnerable, sensitive to our surroundings. It’s the feeling of enjoying warm sand beneath out toes, or carefully making our way over sharp rocks in the darkness. It’s a way of living that has the lightest impact, removing the barrier between us and nature.”
From the book “Barefoot Dreaming” by Adele Coombs

[Jenbeee]

Those people sound very nasty! I'm glad they didn't cause more trouble for you. I feel judged all the time - sometimes it's self-inflicted, sometimes it's people being nosy and rude, but of course the other 33% of the time it's a genuine mistake my husband or I have made. The most recent was the day care teacher saying to me "um, tomorrow you need to bring his REAL coat." *shrink* *hide* *run to Target to buy coat*

[HalfDozen]

It appears that Casey Anthony was on antidepressants when she killed Caylee per her attorney. She had a "history of suicide". Not sure how anyone alive has a history of suicide but these freaks will surely explain that all to us. This is like the mother lode of showing how the for profit mental health industry works b/c no stone will be left unturned in this case down to the details of what skanky outfit Casey was wearing when she picked up her prescription to what brand of pen was used to sign the medication sheet.
Cindy Anthony is on a "new" antidepressant. She and her doctor are experimenting to get the right meds, some make her forget, some make her remember, but they haven't honed in on the one that gives the desired effect of making your lies believeable to other people.
George is obviously not on anything b/c their is no medication that offers that complete a job of zombification. Either he's a real zombie or the recipient of the most effective labotomy ever performed.
Seems like "Mommy's Little Helper" is popping up everwhere and doing such a good job at relieving parental stress it's downright scary. Antidepressants will no longer need to carry all those confusing warnings, just one:
Warning: May greatly reduce your number of family members.