Casey Anthony and Adoption: Part 2

Family Friday

I observed last week that Casey Anthony may just be the most hated woman in the US.  Based on the passionate responses received, it seems that I was only partially correct.  Casey Anthony's mother, Cindy, appears to be stiff competition for that title.  And when you see pictures of the doe-eyed, sweet-faced Caylee while contemplating the grisly details of her fate, it's easy to understand why the case evokes such emotion.

Readers of last week's blog did not suggest ways to promote adoption among young women.  However, they did provide valuable feedback, raising some valid points that I had not addressed:

-   Several readers pointed out that adoption is not a panacea.  There are indeed well-known cases of adoption gone very wrong, including the recent case of Renee Bowman, who police allege murdered her adopted daughters in Montgomery County, Maryland. And many of us can name a few non-famous and much less extreme cases in which adoption did not turn out well, for either the adoptee or adoptive parent.  Some readers also noted that giving up a child for adoption can be very painful and traumatizing for the birth mother.

- One reader said that she resented the implication that young mothers couldn't possibly care for their children and should give them up for adoption, as she herself had raised three children as a very young mother.  Although that wasn't what I meant to imply, she raises an important point, one that I should have made last week: There is a crucial distinction between chronological youth and emotional maturity. 

All of us can name individuals who became parents at a young age, yet did an excellent job rising to the challenge and raising great kids.  Similarly, I'm sure we all know people in their thirties, forties, fifties, and beyond who, parents or not, function like adolescents emotionally.  The take-home message here:  Although there is typically a correlation between chronological age and emotional maturity, there are always exceptions. 

- Finally, a reader made the insightful point that Casey Anthony may have chosen against adoption because she genuinely believed that she could handle parenthood.  (Interestingly, neuropsychological research suggests that the part of the brain that controls judgment and planning doesn't fully mature in many individuals until their mid-twenties or so).  As I've noted in past blogs, something may seem like a good idea at the time, but as events unfold and we gather more information, mistakes become more obvious.  The irony is, of course, that it takes emotional maturity to admit our mistakes - to ourselves and to others - and to find healthy and compassionate solutions. 

When making the decision to become a parent - either biologically or by adoption - I strongly advise assessing your own emotional readiness.  Ask yourself these questions:

- Am I having this child because I truly want to be a parent, or is someone else influencing my decision?  As an example, many readers felt that Casey Anthony's mother pressured her into parenting by presenting her with a housing ultimatum.  In addition, as a therapist, I have seen many women who became mothers out of a misguided notion that it would lead to marriage or commitment from a reluctant boyfriend, or would improve an existing marriage.   

- Am I ready to learn about child development?  Do I understand that a child's behavior typically has much more to do with his or her own development than it does with me?  Many child welfare experts will tell you that bathroom accidents are an extraordinarily common trigger for child abuse.  Most of the time, a young child's bathroom accident is nothing more than a developmental struggle involving physiological readiness and trial-and-error.  An emotionally immature parent, however, will often interpret such an accident as they would a raised middle finger in traffic.  In other words, the parent will view the incident as some sort of personal message from the child. 

- Do I tend to lash out physically when things go wrong?  If so, you are not ready to be a parent.  Reacting with physical violence to a child is never appropriate.  Seek help, gain insight, stop the behavior.  Enough said. 

by Jenny Douglas Vidas

Comments

[Mirah Riben]

We do not live life in reverse. Knowing the outcome, of course, it is easy say that it might have been better for Caylee had she been surrendered voluntarily for adoption by her mother. This could be said of EVERY child killed by a parent, boyfriend of a parent or relative.

The same 20/20 hindsight makes thousands of mothers likewise realize that it would have been far better for them and their children NOT to have been pressured into relinquishment.

Every one of the questions you asked are valid. Parenting is very difficult. So, too is the decsion to never see your child again and have them likely not know anything about their heritage and feel rejected and abandoned, no matter how well cared for and loved they are by adoptive parents.

YOU SAID: "Something may seem like a good idea at the time, but as events unfold and we gather more information, mistakes become more obvious."

I have spent my entire adult life - nearly 30 years now - researching, writing and speaking about adoption and its lifelong effects because I was made to believe - as were thousands of women - that giving away my flesh and blood was the "best" most "unselfish" thing to do...that others were "better" fit, more "deserving" than I. Why? I had never harmed or neglected my unborn child or any child. I and others were told this simply because of our youth, marital status, finances, lack of family and community support to do otherwise, moral judgements, etc.

Adoption was made to seem not only likely like a "good idea', but the only alternative. If only we had been given more information to have been able to make a truly informed decsion. Age, marital status... these are all temporary and no reason to cause a permanent separation.

Any mother or mom-to-be considering her options needs to ask herself:

- if she is being influenced by others or pressured by those who will profit monetarily by placing her child for adoption. Adoption today is a multi-billion dollar industry with infants in very high demand. That demand creates pressure and coercion, some very subtle, like being separated from family or told to lie about who the father is. But mothers considering adoption - unlike adopters - do not have legal counsel to help them.

- if she understands the lifelong ramifications of adoption for herself, her child, her extended family, any subsequent children and relationships she may ever have. The ripple effects of adoption are never-ending.

- what if she is never able to have another child and has given away her only child? How will she handle that?

- she needs to fully investigate and understand the laws regarding adoption and promises of openess that are unenforceable promises that are often broken and so she may wind up not knowing if her child is alive or well cared for and he may never know her.

- how will she answer the question: how many children do you have? and how will she handle the criticisms and her guilt and shame?

- what will she tell her child if she is fortunate enough to ever see her again? I just wasn't ready to be a mother?

Many serious questions to consider. Bottom line is that adoption does not guarantee a "better life" - just a different one. It often moves children from a lower to a higher socio-economic status and may offer them more material "advantages" - but is a trade off for being with blood-kin and knowing your ancestry, your medical history - your TRUTH! There are gains and losses in adoption and they must be weighed very carefully because it is an irrevocable decsion.

Parenting is difficult and more so when lacking maturity and financial and emotional support., the answer is not to throw the baby out with the bath water, the answer is to provide the necessary supports to families in crisis.

Mirah Riben, Vice President of Communications origins-USA.org and author, "The Stork Market: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry"

http://AdvocatePublications.com

[april]

casey was evil not young jealousy like that is of satan not youth caylee did not have a chance this has nothing to do with age even if casey loved caylee at some point she hated cindy more her jealousy and resentment and hate grew as caylee did and when they had the fight and cindy threatened to kick casey out and take caylee away casey saw her meal ticket gettin away and she had to punish mommy if you look at the two cindy is not evil casey is in my opinion just look in their eyes. cindy is a wreck and casey is cold and unemotional except when it affects her. just look for yourself see what I mean.

[april]

cindy and george do love caylee the girl they are defending is not the daughter they raised she is evil I hope that in itme they will accept this and do the right thing for caylee and themselves casey must be held responsible for this henious attrocious murder that baby suffered now casey must also suffer.