By Jenny Douglas Vidas
My seven-year-old son has been grilling me about race relations since last year, when his first grade class discussed Martin Luther King Jr. and the Obama candidacy. His questions have included:
- "Why have all of our presidents been white?"
- "Why did white people keep African-Americans as slaves?"
- "Why was Martin Luther King Jr. killed?"
- "Why is it bad to say ‘colored people'? I colored on my workbook."
- "Why do we say ‘white people'? My skin isn't white – it's pink, with little blue lines running through it."
These questions deserve thoughtful responses. However, explaining such complex concepts as racism using age-appropriate language sometimes requires more energy than I can muster. I am often tempted to end the conversation with a platitude, such as "We're all exactly the same, and that's all you need to worry about!"
But then I remember a class from my counselor training program, in which we discussed the impact of race and ethnicity on our lives and worldviews. One young white woman chirped, "Oh, I don't see skin color – I'm color blind! When I walk into a classroom, I just see other students. Everyone is exactly the same to me." An African-American woman responded, "That makes me feel invisible."
Children are not "color blind. They notice differences among people, then ask questions. Out of discomfort, many white parents often quash the discussion by dismissing the question, changing the subject, or even just shushing the child.
As a result, children learn that the topics of race and ethnicity are embarrassing, shameful, and/or irrelevant. It becomes more difficult to "see" a problem if you are not allowed to talk about it. This may partially explain the many studies showing that white people perceive racism as a much smaller problem than do African-Americans.
As a therapist and parent, I offer this advice to parents about discussing race relations:
- Your tone is just as important as the content (if not more so). If you act embarrassed, annoyed, or nervous when talking about race, your children will learn to avoid the topic.
- If a question is difficult to answer, say so.
However, reward your child's interest and keep the dialogue going. For instance, you could say, "I'm glad you asked that – it's a really interesting question. I'm afraid I don't have an easy answer – I'll explain what I can, but some of it you'll understand better when you're older."
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