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Finding the Dragon Within on Chinese New Year

Truth Tuesday

Growing up a mixed-race child in lily-white upstate New York, I wanted nothing more than to blend in with my peers. If people asked, "what are you?" I would claim, "I'm just like you!" This despite the Chinese mother by my side and my own clearly Asian hair, eyes and skin. I celebrated Chinese New Year with my family, of course -- who could resist sweet pastries, brown sugar cake and red packets stuffed with money -- but never shared any of these traditions with friends at school.

At the same time, I followed the model minority path of good grades, musical prowess, and adherence to most school and parental rules. I genuinely thought of myself as a meek and obedient girl who would never make waves in life. An introvert.

How things change. 

Since becoming a mother eight years ago and an independent journalist three years ago -- courtesy of a somewhat anticipated layoff -- I have found my voice with a vengeance. And the process began earlier, of course, with every career success or personal triumph that built my self-esteem little by little. But somehow, having children for whom to set an example and a family to feed give me the motivation to speak my mind and the confidence to know that my thoughts are worth sharing.

In particular, I've started speaking up about work-life balance and workplace flexibility. For the last decade, I've covered workplace issues as a journalist. My intense focus on this subject has hammered home my belief that work gives life meaning -- but it can also drain life of joy without healthy boundaries. 

Relying On The Rhythm Method

Fatherhood Friday

The holidays were great for our family to spend quality, unstructured time with our three-month old son. It also marked the end of my wife’s maternity leave and the transition to our new reality as a family of five. Which highlights the importance of our relying on the rhythm method during this period of change.

No, not that rhythm method. Let me explain.

Both my wife and I were able to use vacation and flex time at the end of the year. We didn’t make any travel plans, or really many substantial plans at all. We wanted to focus on having some unstructured time with everyone.

And we had a great time. No alarm clocks were used all week. Sometimes all five of us stayed in our pajamas until 3 p.m. Other days we decided last minute to go on a field trip to this museum or the nature center. We watched a number of fun family movies. The older kids (ages 8 and 2) got a nice break from school/day care, I had some relaxing time away from the office and my wife was able to ease into her return from maternity leave.

On the night before we all went back to school/daycare/work, though rested and energized, I found myself very much not wanting to go back to work. It wasn’t so much about work as wishing that the fun of the past week could be extended.

But a funny thing happened the next morning. When the alarm clock went off at 6:30 a.m. I went downstairs to make some coffee. While I was standing in front of the coffee maker I was hit by the sudden realization that it felt good to get back into a rhythm.

The previous week had been enjoyable but when I was honest with myself I admitted that sometimes the joy of spontaneity was superseded by the stress of figuring out what the heck we would do that day that would keep these kids entertained. Maybe those “planned” lazy mornings weren’t all relaxing.

But, on our first day back to school/daycare/work we once again all knew what we had to do and when we had to do it if we were going to get everyone to their appropriate locations at the appropriate time.  And there was some relief in that.

I think my wife and I are particularly cognizant of the importance of getting into a rhythm because we can pretty much toss out the past morning schedules. For the past two years we only had to get two kids out of the house. For the past three months we only had to get one adult out of the house.

Now that maternity leave was over we were, really for the first time, staring at our new reality as a family of five with two full-time working parents. Transitions in general are tough, but I think if we don’t get those mornings right – and consistently right – it’s a double whammy.

If its stressful in the morning, everyone is in a lousy mood. No family fun there. But it also sets all of us up for a bad day. We’ve used up our store of stress resistors and a lot of energy in general and are now ill equipped to handle any other curveballs thrown our way.

We’ve only just begun our new reality, with all its pros and cons. In order to accentuate the pros and reduce the cons it’s going to be important for us to get into a routine. So, as we begin 2012 my wife and I will be toasting – and relying on – the rhythm method to get us going into the next stage of our lives.

 (Photo credit: http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x3336423/Man_making_coffee_42-15200166.jpg)

What's Your Resol-You-Tion?

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Noelle Buske

Happy New Year. I promise that this won't be another thing that chirps around the idea of a resolution. This won't be about those 10 vanity pounds that you want to lose. Or the promise that you made to yourself to be more involved at your kid's school. This is not about a superficial resolution, that tends to get broken about a quarter of the way through the year, despite good intentions.

No, this is about you. You are your core. Your fundamental self. When was the last time you did an inventory about what you like and dislike about yourself? (Again, I'm not talking about those vanity pounds). These are the difficult things to change. Those things that tend to linger, because they take real work to do something about.

This is the kind of resolution, or resol-YOU-tion that I'm talking about and the type that I'm working on myself. Not taking the people that I love for granted. Touching base. Being vulnerable and intimate. These aren't easy things, especially if recent patterns indicate otherwise.

These are core aspects, and changing them usually involves enlisting help. This help can come in multiple forms: if you are able, professional help is ideal (and doesn't mean that you are crazy). Otherwise, asking a spouse, close friend, or relative to point out (in a way that you can hear and tolerate) when you are acting with old patterns. This requires some pre-thought: what do you need so you can hear the cue so you can change your behavior? Sometimes, a random seeming word helps, so that defenses don't surround you like armor.

Resolutions are supposed to make us happier. They are measurable and time limited (lasting within a year or some goal-oriented date). They are helpful in reaching smaller and more superficial kinds of goals. I use the word superficial because they tend to be things that we are able to share with others without feeling threatened by doing so. Resol-YOU-tions are changing internal parts of you that might not be obvious to those around you. They are slow to alter. But they also bring happiness.

What are your Resol-You-tions?

Festive but Laid Back: New Year's Eve at Home with Champagne and Caviar

 

Meal Monday 

I've always had New Year's Eve fantasies. Visions of glamorous parties, little black dresses and martini glasses dance in my head. These daydreams include tinkling ice, art deco furnishings, fabulous fashions and accessories. Audrey Hepburn always figures prominently in these midnight cocktail party dreams, snow flurries fall lightly outside and it's all very magical.  

Unfortunately, these fantasies have never been realized. When I was young and single, New Year's sometimes meant a college or grad school party with friends but without glamor or romance. After I got married, we would often share the evening with another couple and eventually with another family whose children's ages matched ours. For the past few years, we have spent the holiday at our very quiet place in the Maine woods, tranquil but -- as the kids are very quick to point out -- boring. 

This year, I sent an email to our close friends and family listing dates we plan to be in Maine over the winter, and inviting people to join us. My sister-in-law and her family (a husband, two daughters and a fiance) responded that they would come up for New Year's weekend. We were very excited. I started planning the menu and the evening right away. 

For cocktails, we mixed sparkling wine with a touch of St. Germain liqueur, and a splash of either fresh pomegranate or grapefruit juice. The hors d'oeuvres were simple but plentiful: grape tomatoes with a dusting of truffle salt, warmed brie topped with fig jam, and thin cucumber rounds topped with a small dollop of plain yogurt and a teaspoon of salmon roe. 

I tend to be better at envisioning hors d'oeuvres, side dishes and desserts than main courses. I usually have to work backwards to find a good entree. Interestingly, because my in-laws keep kosher, I had an easier time planning the main course than if I had no limitations. We decided to go with fish. I made simple stuffed and baked cod fillets that were delicious. I mixed minced garlic, fresh chopped parsley, olive tapenade and a little crumbled feta, then rolled the fish around approximately two tablespoons of the stuffing and baked the rolled fillets in a roasting pan covered with tin foil for about 25 minutes at 350 degree. You'd need more time for thicker fillets and less time for thinner ones, of course. 

For one side dish, I sliced beefsteak tomatoes into thin rounds and patted them dry, then spread each one with a topping of salt, pepper, parsley, chopped walnuts and grated parmesan. I placed those on a cookie sheet and roasted them in the oven at the same time as the fish, until they were halfway dry and the topping was warm and crispy. For another side dish, I made a pot of wild rice mixed with lentils. When people sat down to eat, there were party poppers at their places and round gold candles as a centerpiece. 

Initially, I wanted to make a souffle for dessert, but decided to do something that would be easier to make and would allow me to enjoy the evening. So I made crepes a couple of days in advance and kept them wrapped in wax paper and tin foil in the refrigerator. When it was time for dessert, I warmed them up in the microwave, spread each one with chocolate hazelnut spread and rolled them up. Each portion had two, which I then finished with a scoop of creamy bananas from our new Yonanas machine (this thing is amazing -- it makes bananas taste like ice cream).  

Audrey Hepburn was a no-show, and we did not have a piano player in the corner, but we did have a fabulous time. Happy 2012! 

 

My Personal December Dilemma

Truth Thursday

December is a hard time of year for a lot of people. It’s an especially hard time of year for me for two reasons. One is because, many years ago, I broke away from the Christmas traditions of my family of origin when I chose to live a Jewish life. 

The other reason is that my mother died seven years ago, after a very brief illness. She died right before Christmas, which, despite the fact that she was Jewish, was her favorite day of the year.

Where do I start the story?

My Jewish mother, who wanted nothing more than to have Christmas, married my non-Jewish father. Bingo! The Jewish orphan girl from the Upper East Side could have a Christmas tree. She wove a wonderful tapestry of Christmas in our house, complete with lights and tinsel and stockings and candles and a glorious tree and Christmas dinner with all our Jewish friends. 

There was always a menorah somewhere to mark Chanukah, although it was a minor piece, and we never knew the prayers or sang Chanukah songs. And there was never a crèche. That would just be going too far. Besides, we were atheists. Christmas was about family and friends and food and presents.

As a young adult, I decided that this wasn’t enough for me, and that I needed to find a community where I could infuse more historic and communal meaning into my celebrations. Bingo! I was already Jewish (because my mother was Jewish) and the Jewish community, along with my husband-to-be, welcomed me with open arms. It has become my home. I went back to my roots, as it were, and it has filled me up with what I had been seeking. The menorah that was in the background in my childhood home has a prominent place in my family's celebrations today.