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The Interminable Waiting Game

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Dalo_pix2

I'm noticing that winter tends to be a season of waiting. Waiting for the weather to warm up or the days to get longer. Waiting for colleges to let you know if you should start making plans. Waiting for school to end and summer to begin.

I just got to experience waiting by proxy. The kind of waiting that I think is the most difficult of all: waiting for test results. The kind of waiting where you eagerly want the phone to ring, and simultaneously, are afraid of who might be on the other line. Waiting to hear "all clear," and yet being afraid to hope for that too much, less you jinx it (as if things actually work that way). What made this waiting a little more tough was that they weren't even MY results, but my mom's.

I got a call last week from my mom letting me know that at her doctor's appointment, there was a lump in her breast that was detected. Her doctor used a syringe to see if it was a cyst, and if it was, there would be liquid coming out. The syringe was inserted, but there wasn't any liquid. The next step was to get a biopsy. This would determine what kind of mass it was: benign or cancerous. I was able to be calm while on the phone, although I flashed back to my own waiting for results. I tried to mention this in a way to be in concert with her during this waiting. To protect myself from one of life's biggest fears (death), I wrapped some emotional distance from this news and put it "away."

Fast forward to Monday morning. I was getting my kids ready for the day, and the phone rings. It's my mom. I had forgotten that today was "Result Day" and I answered the phone. In an upbeat voice, I heard. "I just got the results back. Everything is fine. They are just going to monitor me." Three sweet phrases! As I was talking to her, I could feel my eyes well up with tears. The distanced emotion was raging full force! In that moment, I could feel what I almost lost. And I am grateful for this extra time found.

Stress in America

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by:  bottled_void

Last week, the American Psychological Association released their annual survey looking at our Nation's pulse. Literally. The study is geared towards assessing America's Stress levels.  Where do we stand? The good news: stress hasn't risen much in the last year, despite continued economic uncertainty, political unrest, and all the rest that this country is dealing with. In fact, the survey showed that we only feel we have an average of slightly above healthy levels of stress. The study also showed that stress is linked to our physical well being.

So that's well and good. But how do we identify stress? What is it? Stress is something that is part of our lives. We need it. This "good" kind of stress is called eustress. It is what helps us achieve and push ourselves. It's why we study for exams. Or feel a little nervous before a presentation. When stress becomes too much, it's "bad" stress or distress. That is the stress that the survey is looking at. And it's this kind of stress that I'm referring to.  

By some people's measures, I should feel stress: after all, I'm balancing raising two children (one of whom is a baby), my own business, dealing with others emotions on a daily basis (the nature of my job), financial pressures, parents growing older, etc. But I don't feel burdened by stress. Let me take that back: mostly, I don't notice it. But I was really aware of it over the holidays.

It just felt like everything was going quickly, and I couldn't keep up. I felt like things were slipping through the cracks and I was missing things. I actually enjoyed the days off that I took--where things basically stopped and there weren't expectations of me. In those moments, I realized that I was stressed--at least by comparison.

That's when I needed to figure out how to take care of myself. So I learned and practiced daily meditation.  I only get done what I can do. I try to protect my sleep. I attempt to eat well. Of course, I don't ALWAYS get it right. So I try to allow that to be OK. I also try to let people know when I'm feeling overwhelmed...small examples such as when I am in the middle of doing something, and I'm asked to do something else, I try to acknowledge that I'm at my limit (if I am) and I can get to the other task when I'm done. Again, easier said than done. But I am enjoying being a work in progress.     

How do you deal with your stress? When are you able to figure out that it's too much?

What's Your Resol-You-Tion?

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: Noelle Buske

Happy New Year. I promise that this won't be another thing that chirps around the idea of a resolution. This won't be about those 10 vanity pounds that you want to lose. Or the promise that you made to yourself to be more involved at your kid's school. This is not about a superficial resolution, that tends to get broken about a quarter of the way through the year, despite good intentions.

No, this is about you. You are your core. Your fundamental self. When was the last time you did an inventory about what you like and dislike about yourself? (Again, I'm not talking about those vanity pounds). These are the difficult things to change. Those things that tend to linger, because they take real work to do something about.

This is the kind of resolution, or resol-YOU-tion that I'm talking about and the type that I'm working on myself. Not taking the people that I love for granted. Touching base. Being vulnerable and intimate. These aren't easy things, especially if recent patterns indicate otherwise.

These are core aspects, and changing them usually involves enlisting help. This help can come in multiple forms: if you are able, professional help is ideal (and doesn't mean that you are crazy). Otherwise, asking a spouse, close friend, or relative to point out (in a way that you can hear and tolerate) when you are acting with old patterns. This requires some pre-thought: what do you need so you can hear the cue so you can change your behavior? Sometimes, a random seeming word helps, so that defenses don't surround you like armor.

Resolutions are supposed to make us happier. They are measurable and time limited (lasting within a year or some goal-oriented date). They are helpful in reaching smaller and more superficial kinds of goals. I use the word superficial because they tend to be things that we are able to share with others without feeling threatened by doing so. Resol-YOU-tions are changing internal parts of you that might not be obvious to those around you. They are slow to alter. But they also bring happiness.

What are your Resol-You-tions?

Exhale

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn

A few weeks ago, I was invited to my first professional event where I received swag. It wasn't as glamorous as a movie premiere, but I'm still psyched about the swag. I went to see Dr. Norman Rosenthal talk about his new book: Transcendence. Dr. Rosenthal is an expert in Seasonal Affective Disorder (he coined the diagnosis) and has recently turned his eye towards meditation.

He writes about a type of meditation: Transcendental Mediation. This is one of many ways to meditate, but this technique has been repeatedly empirically validated by the scientific method. Enter Dr. Rosenthal, who conducted a literature review of the science behind this technique. Consistently, he found if practiced faithfully (twice a day for 15-20 minutes each time), TM changed people's physiology (both mind and body).

My first exposure to TM was nearly 10 years ago when my mother learned it. I admit, there were many family jokes when she went off to meditate. I inherit my anxiety honestly, and it has been incredible to see the change in her. She is able to curb her anxiety, feel renewed at the end of the day, and tackle the stress of her work (an event planner). So I figured, why not try it myself? (This is where the swag comes in).

As part of the dinner I attended where I heard Dr. Rosenthal speak, every participant was given a free course in TM as well as Dr. Rosenthal's book. So with nothing to lose, I decided to go for it now. I've almost completed the 4-day introductory course, and I can say that that exponentially, there is something to this.

Here's a perfect example: I had gotten very little sleep Friday night, yet had a full day on Saturday (thank you darling daughter...). We had dinner plans in the evening with friends (an amazing feat!) but by 5pm, I was exhausted. I retreated to my room, sat down, practiced TM for 20 minutes. At the end, I felt energized and ready to go out. Without a nap, rest, or anything longer than a 20 minute meditation. If this can help me survive my infant, I'm all on board!

My thought to share is during this busy season, don't forget to give a gift to yourself. While it doesn't have to be TM per se, some tool for restoration can go very far.

Five Ingredients for a Sane Thanksgiving

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: dcjohn

[The following is a vignette, and does not depict an actual person]

It's the time of year when I see the common themes of dread and despair--must be the holidays! That's the time when we celebrate with loved (and tolerated) ones and profess to be happy with our lives. At least in the first ten minutes. Then somehow, our buttons get pressed, and we are counting the minutes until it's time to go.

An example is a client of mine, Mindy. She's a working professional with a family of her own. But when she returns to her family of origin, it's as if she's 13 again. She feels self-conscious, lacking in ability, and dumb. This is such a contrast to the woman I see: confident, respected in her workplace, and very intelligent. She describes being with her mother as, "being stuck in a time machine. I know I'm not that girl anymore, but somehow, she comes back with a vengeance."

Does this sound familiar? So rather than loathe and retreat this holiday season, come to your feast ready with emotional armor to protect you...and perhaps even lead to an enjoyable meal!

First, set your expectations. Are they realistic? Sometimes, when we are sure we know what is going to happen, we can change our reactions, which alter the entire dynamic. An example, if a parent makes a critical remark, rather than engage, you can reply in a neutral way, "I'll take that under advisement."

Second, know your limits. If your family starts to really get to you after two days, do you really need to stay with them for three?

Third, establish boundaries. Be clear on your schedule, and what you will tolerate emotionally. No one has a right to be bullied. 

Fourth, take it in stride. Remember, this is a festive season.

Fifth, don't find solace in food. Rather than eat your emotions away, take a walk. Call a friend. Food inevitably adds to troubles, it doesn't take them away.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!