CurrentMom

The Parenting Place Between Bitter and Sweet

Truth Thursday

Confession: I played hooky last weekend, and shirked my typical family weekend responsibilities. On Saturday, instead of joining my family at synagogue and religious school, I took the metro and went downtown to attend the National Book Festival. 

And on Sunday, instead of chauffeuring children from sleepovers and running errands and sitting through my son’s baseball game, I went out to brunch with a group of friends to celebrate a birthday (but lest I be thought completely neglectful, I did take on the Sunday night carpool, which entails two additional pick ups and drop offs and sitting for two hours, doing some client work while waiting for the 7^th graders’ religious school session to end.) 

On the one hand, these were completely pleasurable activities (aside from the carpool.) I got to attend a festival that I have been ogling for years, which is always held on a day that I am usually bogged down with family needs. And brunch with friends?  Fabulous. Especially the drag queen sideshow that was part of the package.

But once I was at the book festival, I was struck by how many activities there were set up for young children and families. I had taken my youngest son many years ago, when he was about two, before he was even able to really appreciate all that was there. Not only was there a real Magic School Bus, but you could meet Sesame Street characters, listen to amazing and inventive storytellers, and sit in a reading nook and be introduced to new and wonderful books.

And although being there without kids gave me the latitude to attend any reading I wanted, and to be able to linger lovingly over both history tomes and slim volumes of poetry in the book tent, and to stand on line to get my latest Michael Cunningham novel signed, and to stand not three feet from the great Toni Morrison as she was being shuttled to her keynote reading, it all felt a little empty without my kids dragging me over to the book nook tent (or more likely the food carts.)

Usually, I relish my free time like it’s nobody’s business. I’m never lonely, because I’m almost never alone. Even though I work at home more than half the week, those hours are taken up with ongoing email and other interaction with my office and outside meetings several times a week. And always hanging over my head are three time slots: 2:40, 3:10 and 3:50: the times my kids arrive home from school and I turn into a mom pumpkin while trying to finish out my work day. 

Strolling the gravel paths on the National Mall, I was free to stop in whatever tent I chose, and yet I felt a pang of loneliness. Even though my children were still only a sleepover away, I flashed forward to a day when they will be living in other places, pursuing their own lives. And although I fervently hope that they will launch at the appropriate time and make their way in the world joyfully, I will miss having my family as the reason I can’t do anything else. 

Don’t get me wrong – I am still in the thick of it. I have three kids at home, and our lives are filled with school and sports and music lessons and religious training and carpools and friendships and dramas and sometimes, if I’m lucky, good night kisses. Sometimes I feel breathless from all the activity in our hive. But my daughter recently started closing her door fully at night (as my teen son has been doing for years) and so the only child on whom I can peek before I turn in is my 10-year-old. They are growing up. 

I love having more time to pursue my interests. I am in a writing workshop, and am taking a photography class this fall. I am hoping to take up ballet again. I am working out regularly, and working almost full time. It is easier to make plans to see friends. I am having fun in the midst of the family chaos, something I haven’t been able to say for a long time. 

But next to the sweetness of reconnecting with myself is the slightly bitter taste of no longer having a little hand melting into mine. Whether it’s to see Miss Frizzle and the rest of the Magic School Bus gang or Elmo and Big Bird. Or just taking a walk in our neighborhood.

Everything about parenting leads to the letting go. And while I look forward to watching my children take the big leaps that will lead them to their futures, I can’t help but feel a little wistful about the coming moment when it will be all about me … and no longer about us.

 

 

 

(Not) Raising the Debt Ceiling – Financial Fortunes in Mid-Life

Truth Thursday

I live in Washington, DC, and so the talk over the past week, at least by the pundits, radio personalities and every conceivable media outlet, has been about the debt ceiling. Apparently, our country needs to raise it in order to function and do things like pay its employees. That's about as sophisticated I get about national economics.

It's also about as sophisticated as I get about my own personal economics. Money is not a topic I enjoy. Not the government's, not mine. Money is one of those marriage hot buttons – many marriages end or are at least in constant conflict over money.  My husband and I have the textbook financial relationship – one of us is a saver and one of us is a spender. One of us keeps excel spreadsheets with our monthly budget numbers lining up next to our monthly expenses, carefully attenuated to each and every receipt, and one of us has trouble remembering to take the receipt for the gas station out of our pocket at the end of the day. One of us thinks about the future, and one of us likes cute shoes.

Can you guess which financial partner I am?

From the very beginning, my husband insisted that, in addition to having a joint account, we also keep our own bank accounts. I, at the time mired in debt, student and otherwise, was shocked and deeply upset about this arrangement, thinking that somehow it made us less of a couple. I have since determined that it is at the very root of the success of our marriage.

I have always worked. Sometimes part-time, but even my part-time work has made me a fully financial contributing partner in our family's economic engine. This was not simply a choice; it was a necessity. We live in an extremely expensive region of the country, and neither one of us chose career paths that were going to lead to fame and fortune. As a journalist and a non-profit fundraiser, and as two people who wanted to live a comfortable life with small accoutrements and the ability to both feed and clothe our children and be somewhat philanthropic, without ever even really talking about it, we always knew that we would both work, despite the challenges of doing so while raising a family.

Summer Schedules: a Q&A With Laura Vanderkam

Work Wednesday

The family summer schedule is already looking scary, with June a veritable swiss cheese of field days, graduation ceremonies, field trips, concerts and celebrations. CurrentMom took the opportunity to ask Laura Vanderkam, author of 168 Hours: You Have More Time Thank You Think, how to manage the summer schedules when you're also working.

Summertime strikes fear into some parents' hearts, as schedules get totally disrupted. What do you suggest to keep summer from derailing your family's schedule? 

Hey, it’s summer! Try to change your mindset: it’s not a schedule disruption, it’s an opportunity for adventure! I’m only half kidding. If kids don’t have to be at school early, that may be an opportunity to stretch out your evenings with trips to an ice cream parlor or an outdoor movie. If you can leave work early on occasion, you have an opportunity to visit a nearby state park or the beach when it's not as crowded as the weekends. Sit down with your family and brainstorm activities that you'd like to try together this summer. While summer seems endless in early June, it's harder to savor than we picture, and it will be September again before we know it. 

Of course, you can take the concept of flexibility too far. Self-employed parents of school-aged kids have a particular tendency to hire less childcare than they need during the summer. Yes, you may be able to crank something out while the kids are watching a movie or playing in the back yard, but it's best not to count on it. That's not fair to your career or your kids. If you really need to focus on a work project, find or hire someone else who can focus on your kids during that time. 

How can you work with other parents to get kids to summer activities? 

If you have a carpooling schedule in mind that would work for you, seize the initiative. Call around to neighbors and say what you can offer and ask what they can do. If possible, look for activities in your neighborhood that kids can bike or walk to. It will help them get more physical activity in their lives. 

Why does vacation seem to merely displace work to the week before and week afterwards? Is there a way to truly unplug on vacation? 

Part of this is just the nature of work these days. Most of us aren't being paid to make widgets. We have areas we are responsible for, and these responsibilities don't go away just because we do. That said, you can try to manage your pipeline so nothing is scaling up just as you’re leaving. Trade off with co-workers on covering their vacations so they'll do so for you. If you're working solo, it may be worth asking a friend or someone else you trust completely to check your email while you're gone and phone you if there's anything truly important in there. That way, you won’t be wondering.

And a big part of truly unplugging is, frankly, getting over ourselves. Earth will not crash into the sun if we take a vacation. I didn't check email for 5 days on vacation recently, and yes, I missed an opportunity or two. But almost everything was still on the table when I got back. 

Any other advice on time management for parents?

Summer is a good opportunity for asking what we want to do more of with our time. At any given moment, it may be easier to stay home and watch TV. But that’s probably not what your memories of summer from childhood involve, and hopefully it won't be your children's memories either. We gain energy from doing things that are fun. You'll always be tired. So if something sounds fun, and you're tired, maybe you should do it anyway.  

Laura Vanderkam is the author of 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think (Portfolio, 2010) and Grindhopping: Build a Rewarding Career without Paying Your Dues (McGraw-Hill, 2007). She is a member of USA Today's Board of Contributors, and her work has appeared in Reader's Digest, Scientific American, Wired, The American, Portfolio and other publications.

Photo by goingslo via Flickr

Property and Copyright and Speculative Futures

Image via Wikipedia

Technology Tuesday

Several links on modern copyright law and intellectual property - this is well-traveled material in most of the tech circles I run in, but may be novel to some CurrentMom readers.

• A TED talk by Larry Lessig on laws that choke creativity. Related, Lessig again: Against Perpetual Copyright.

  The framers understood that the state-created property monopoly of copyright was justifiable only to the extent that it would "promote the progress of Science and the Useful Arts." It created therefore a fixed, and originally very short, period of time in which one might sell copies of one's works with state protection. Without this protection, in the nature of intellectual things, piracy was naturally rampant. After authors have been given a decent interval to exploit their property, the monopoly to the work is ended, and the work may be reabsorbed into the culture at large, be remixed into new works, for the public benefit for the rest of time: hence the name "Public Domain" which refers to the domain of this public good. But why are intellectual and physical property different? How are the differences between laws related to the differences between domains? Would it really be so bad for society if they were treated the same way? This article explores the answers.

• Richard Stallman's 1997 piece, "The Right to Read" is speculative fiction that explores the implications of potential stringent technical protections against reading material you haven't licensed properly.

  Later on, Dan would learn there was a time when anyone could go to the library and read journal articles, and even books, without having to pay. There were independent scholars who read thousands of pages without government library grants. But in the 1990s, both commercial and nonprofit journal publishers had begun charging fees for access. By 2047, libraries offering free public access to scholarly literature were a dim memory. There were ways, of course, to get around the SPA and Central Licensing. They were themselves illegal.

• And just this week, Paul Ford posted a worthy successor to Stallman's piece, titled "Nanolaw with Daughter"

My daughter was first sued in the womb. [....]

Thought-provoking - what would happen if the patent troll mentality trickled down?

"Hiroshima in the Morning"

Sharing Saturday

It could not be more ironic, and perhaps fitting, that the book I am reading this week is titled "Hiroshima in the Morning." It is about a writer's journey to Japan to research the hibakusha, the survivors of Hiroshima, for a novel she is planning. Back in early 2001, Japanese-American author Rahna Reiko Rizzuto applied for and received a fellowship to research and study in Japan for six months and prepare to write her book. 

The only problem was that her husband and two young sons would be left behind in New York. Although initially her husband supported her in her venture, things changed dramatically along the way. I haven't finished reading the book, but I know the ending, as does anyone who watched the clip several weeks ago on the Today Show. Rizzuto realizes, while on her research junket, that not only is her marriage not going to survive this separation, she no longer really wants to be a mother to her children. At least not an everyday, 24-7, live-in, there-if-you-need-her kind of mother. Ultimately, the trip allows her to redefine motherhood for herself and her family.

So a nuclear blast of a smaller kind dropped into that family's heart. And it all happened in the dueling shadows of a post-apocalyptic, 9/11 New York and the unnerving and terrifying legacy left by the atomic blast in Hiroshima more than 50 years earlier.

I am trying to weave the threads of this story together in this terrible week, the week in which we are watching contemporary Japan contend with disaster perhaps as destructive and dreadful, in the long run, as the WW II bombs.