CurrentMom

Saying Goodnight

Truth Thursday

My ten-year-old has a new bedtime routine. Each night when I tuck him in he asks me series of questions about my favorites things. Mom, what’s your favorite movie? What’s your favorite country? What’s your favorite sport? What’s your favorite color? What’s the best book you read when you were in school?

These are fun questions to answer – although they get a bit repetitive. Tonight he differentiated the movie question to ask my favorite recent movie – as opposed to the top five of all time (“yes, Mom, I know, Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, and I can’t remember the rest.”) (For the record, A Room With a View, Annie Hall and Singin’ in the Rain.) 

I have been struck by these questions, thinking that perhaps he is storing the information away to be resurrected at some later date when he is thinking about me. But I think it’s more than that. I think that he is beginning the drawn out process of separating from me, and that these questions are his way of drawing me close, even when he’s getting ready to pull away. 

My daughter did the same thing. About six months before she turned 11, she changed our goodnight routine. Up until that time, we had snuggled and nuzzled and kissed goodnight pretty much the same way from the time she was a little girl (except for the year she where she would almost robotically recite a little ditty for us, the nonsense words to which I’ve written down somewhere for posterity, but that was an aberration.) 

Then, all of a sudden, whenever I would lean down to kiss her goodnight, she would grab me with both arms, pull me down into the bed and giggle “Mommy, come sleep with me!”  She’d try to get me to lie down with her and spend the night, not something we’d ever done in our house. 

Who's Your Hero?

Fatherhood Friday

Someone once told me that one of the greatest things about having kids is that you're their hero. In fact, I think a couple of people shared that observation with me. I don't know where I first heard it but I've really noticed it lately with my two-year old. I'm his hero.

When I come home at the end of the workday and he greets me like I'm a rock star, well, it rocks. The boss might have leaned hard on me, the wife might be upset with me because I still haven't called the handyman and the neighbors might be irritated because its been too long since I mowed the lawn. But no matter what I do (or don't do) I'm superman in the eyes of my two year old.

Of course, things change and as kids get older so does their notion of a hero. I imagine I was my eight year old's hero for a while too. But now he's discovered major league baseball and while I think he still counts me as a pretty cool dad, Prince Fielder has replaced me at the top of the hero list. 

The truth is, I can relate. My own hero evolution went something like dad to sports stars to rock stars to powerful historical figures to where I find my heroes today. I'm not sure exactly how to qualify who those people are but in general they can be defined by their imagination, creativity or passion or they are just really good people. To quote Abraham Joshua Heschel: "When I was young I admired clever people. Now that I'm old I admire nice people." 

Whoever my kids identify as heroes at whatever stage in life, I would encourage the idea of having heroes at all. People to emulate, learn from and inspire us. In fact, I would hope that they have many heroes along the way.

One person who I never thought of as a hero but I'm starting to rethink is Steve Jobs. Last week when I heard the comparisons to Thomas Edison I thought it was a bit much. Now, the more I think about it he may very well have been the Edison of our times.

Maybe its not correct to say he's a hero, as much as someone to admire. Ingenuity, perseverence, creativity, confidence, every experience is a life lesson. He created the iPad, iPod, the modern personal computer, the modern animated film and the entire music industry. Much to be said. But I think it was his commencement address to Stanford students in 2005 that really got me thinking. There are a lot of commencement addresses out there. I guess his has some added meaning these days. Check it out for yourself: http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

I think its one I'll save for my kids.

(photo credit: http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o87/SpaceNut_01/Meeting-Superman-2840-bst.jpg)

Fighting the Imposter Syndrome

Truth Thursday

I was recently having a conversation with a colleague, whom I admire and respect, about an idea I had for making some staffing changes. He was intrigued by my idea, and noted that, despite my appearing to be really nice, a team player and someone who wants everyone to get along, I am also a savvy and creative force with which to be reckoned and should not be taken for granted. 

I like it!

I have spent my entire work life struggling with the issue of gravitas. Of bemoaning being too young when I was young. Of wondering whether I am really doing a good job, or whether I am just pulling the wool over people’s eyes. Of whether I am an imposter.

Back in the mid-80s, when I was just starting out in the work world, I had a boss who was a typical power dresser of the time – she wore boxy suits with little floppy bow ties, and walked to work with tube socks and Reeboks over her nude stockings and then changed into practical navy blue pumps. She was tough minded, difficult to work for, and no one in our non-profit women’s organization liked her.  My friends all wondered how I could stand it.

But work for her I did. One of the things I most disliked about being her lackey was that she insisted I read business books in my spare time.  I think she was trying to mentor me. The books she touted were spewing the theories of the day about women in the workforce – how it was important and look and act like a man, how women need to be strong and tough, and how many women (including yours truly) suffered from what was called “the imposter syndrome.”

The imposter syndrome, according to Wikipedia, is a "psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be." It was thought to be rampant among women back in the 80s, although today it is understood to be equally common among men.

A Working Mom's Birthday Blues

Work Wednesday

My daughter's 8th birthday is coming up in less than two weeks and I will be on a plane. For at least part of the day. This is the fifth or so time in the last eight years that the scheduling of an important overseas meeting has interfered with her special day. (In case you're wondering, I did miss the meeting the year I gave birth!) It's a birthday-conference conflict that calls for creative solutions.

When my daughter was younger, it was easier to blur the calendar a bit. Although I didn't, as some friends - and my mother - suggested, try to convince her that her birthday fell on a day I was at home, I did nothing to correct any confusion between the concepts of birth date and party day.

Now, of course, my pre-tween daughter is well aware of her big day and expects lots of hoopla not only at her birthday party (which will take place this year the weekend before her birthday) but on her birthday day. I can't blame her. As my family, friends, kids and especially my husband know, I absolutely love my birthday and treasure the annual event. (Actually, I'm a bit of a birthday-holic. I love all birthdays!)

Most of the time, I've been able to spend at least part of the day with my daughter. One year, I missed the very end of the conference and flew home on her birthday so we could have a festive family dinner. This year my daughter's birthday falls on Sunday, the day before the conference begins. Instead of flying overseas on Saturday night so I have Sunday to rest and prep, I'll delay my trip by a day so I can spend Sunday morning and (most of) the afternoon doing something special with my daughter (and my husband and son, too) before I head off to catch my an early evening flight to Europe. I expect Monday will be a caffeine-fueled day.

Even though I've figured out this year's fix, the whole birthday-conference conflict causes me some consternation. I know it's not rational, but it's there. Of course, it's all about me, not my daughter. She's not concerned that I won't be with her every minute of her birthday. She's focused on next weekend's pre-birthday party with her closest friends, the cupcake celebration at school the following week, and our special family outing on the big day. And she can't wait for the presents I'll bring home for her, either! Happy 8th Birthday, sweetie!

Photo by marcleh via Flickr.com.

Angels and Babies

Therapy Tuesday
Photo from Facebook

October is a month for many things: breast cancer awareness and LGBT history month are two such things. As it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. The actual commemorative day is October 15th.  Yes, there can be a day for anything. Obviously, from my previous posts, this day/month has special meaning for me. But I'm willing to guess that it has meaning for more people that one might imagine.

Statistics say that 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 25%. That's a lot, when you think about people having more than one child. These kinds of losses are ones that are mourned silently as many people don't even share the news that they are pregnant until after the first trimester. For some, miscarriage occurs before the awareness of pregnancy has. It's often thought of a late period. With the advancement in home pregnancy tests, women learn their motherhood-to-be status fairly quickly--within two weeks of ovulation. (Or as my father likes to say, "They just got out of bed.")

Miscarriage can feel so personal to a woman, and this death is viewed differently between partners. Typically, women hold onto the loss for longer and have a harder time "getting over it" than their male partners might. I'm not claiming that men don't feel sadness, but it seems to be to a different degree. This is such a personal loss too, as it marks the loss of a potential. Of plans, and a future that is yet to be. 

How can you help a friend, relative, or coworker that has lost a pregnancy?

-Ask how they are doing or if they need anything
-Say you are sorry--but skip the platitudes. You don't know if they couple can have other children. It also feels cruel and minimizing to say that it's "God's plan" or something to that extent.
-Let them know that you are here, but only if you are able to be. Sometimes, having someone to cry with is reassuring.
-Know that it takes time. Just as the loss of a known loved one, a pregnancy loss can be just as painful.
-Acknowledge the loss and be aware that anniversaries can trigger a grief reaction (estimated due dates, anniversary of the loss, "angelversaries")

Next month marks my second angelversary for my son. While time can heal, the loss of him, his sister, and my other baby continue to be a part of me.