The Penalty for Boys Who Don't Like Sports

Truth Tuesday

I have never shunned the idea of being a soccer mom. I’ve just never been given the opportunity to be one, mainly because my son doesn’t play soccer.

Or baseball, or football, or any other sport. And lately, that’s posed a problem.

My 8-year-old son recently finished a basketball camp, one he specifically wanted to attend. My husband and I were thrilled. Basketball has been the one sport our son has shown an interest in. My son knows he needs to practice more than others his age, but we always emphasize that it’s the effort that matters in sports – and we love to point out what a good defensive player he’s become.

The camp lasted only a week. We were encouraged by our son’s apparent enjoyment of it, so we asked if he was interested in signing up for another week at the end of summer.

He hemmed and hawed. We told him another week would give him more confidence on the court. He would improve his dribbling and shooting.

Fine, fine, he told us, I’ll do it because you’re begging me!

The answer surprised me.

And then, my son laid in with the confessions.

He told me that, while he really liked the camp’s wonderful, supportive coaches, he still wound up crying nearly every day he was there.

Why?

In his words, he was horrible, just horrible.

And if that wasn’t enough to break my heart, my son offered up this tiny dagger to crack it wide open: He no longer liked recess at school because no one wants to play with him.

What?!? But what about the friends who invite him to parties and play dates on the weekend?

They all leave him to play sports.

 “I don’t like recess because all I do is walk around,” he said. Alone.

Now, I know my son is not athletic. He doesn’t care for most sports, although he does enjoy watching baseball games with his dad. He knows he’s not coordinated and he is aware that his classmates know this, too.

Would practice help? Probably. But will he ever feel confident on the playing field? Probably not.

I’m fine with that. I really am, mainly because I’m swollen with pride over the fact that my son, at age seven, would write out, in long hand, chapters to books he had made up in his mind. He also zooms around the living room, envisioning movies he is creating – he even wrote the screenplay to one of them. He also read three Roald Dahl book within two months – and has the ability to read them in two languages.

Yet, he prefers to hang out with friends who have increasingly become involved in sports and whose schedules have become dependent on what time their league game is that weekend.

Complicating this, at least for me, is the group of uber-competitive parents out there.  When my son participated in a county basketball league last year, I was appalled at how many parents (mostly dads, but a good share of moms, too) would stand on the sidelines, screaming at their children to pass! Or shoot! Now!

Sports are supposed to promote teamwork. It's about the way you play the game that matters, not winning or losing. Sports also are supposed to build self-esteem, but for my son, it does the opposite. I don’t want to put too much pressure on him. He’s the type of kid who does enough of that to himself.

As someone who grew up with sisters, all this sports pressure can be shocking. I struggle to make sure my son knows we love him regardless of whether he turns out to be a jock, or a geek, or someone in between.

It just hurts to see him yearn to be with his friends. It’s natural, I know, but at age eight, it’s hard for him to understand that he might find other kids who like to read or live inside their movie-creating-minds. I try to impress upon him that one day, he could be the next Spielberg or Scorsese – and he will soon find friends who think that’s better than hitting a double or scoring a touchdown.

I want him to know that I don’t need to be a soccer mom. I would as easily be happy as a drama mama.

Comments

[Karen]

This is such a beautifully-rendered observation - so meaningful to all of us who have kids who don't always do what the other kids do, whether it's sports, or something else. My older son, while he liked sports and had some ability, was both too reserved to truly belong to a team and also wound up with a physical disability when he was 10 that prevented him from playing for a few years. By the time he had healed, it was too late. His window had closed, both because the other kids had far surpassed him in ability, and because he could not now penetrate the solid wall of the teams that had built up over the years. He has faced this issue in other ways in his life as well, but has learned how to make things work to the best of his abilities.

One thing that always makes me happy, despite all my worries about him, is that he truly is a happy person. He hasn't even turned into a particularly dark teen. He has an inner core of strength that works for him. I wish you and your son luck as you navigate these challenges. He's lucky to have a mom who is so insightful.

[Jennifer Sergent]

I hear you -- I'm quite happy not to give up our collective family life to be carting a kid around to games, practice, swim meets, etc. As long as my sons don't ask for it, I won't enroll them. Hearing other parents talk about their crazy schedules with their kids' sports gives me a headache. I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever. Oh, and I proudly don't give goodie bags at birthday parties, either! I despise the parental treadmill of indulging children, whether it's through endless activities or bags of junk.

[dana]

Thank you for posting this. You might as well be writing about my 9 year old. This past Summer was headed in a bad direction (again) until we finally convinced him to see if the imaginative girl next door would like to come over. Once he got over the idea of having an icky girl over, it worked out really well. She was more than happy to come over and build legos and stories to go along with their creations or star along side our pets in his dog food commercials.

Wanna come over for a play date? ;)

Please let him know there are other boys out there just like him, they can't wait to meet him, and one day, they will rule the world. Along with the imaginative girl next door. ;)

[John]

I know this is a VERY late response to this post, but as a 27 year old guy who never played sports and who felt EXACTLY like the son in the post above, all I can say is: do NOT become complacent by your son's unwillingness to play sports. Your question to him should be, "would you WANT to play sports if you felt like you could?" and then invest as much money and time as possible to make him good. Movies and books may simply be a cop out. At 27, I felt like I NEEDED sports when I was younger. I'm only dealing with the repercussions of not having done it. There is still time for your boy. Don't forget the psychosocial factors that he must deal with from now until he is old. Spare him and yourself... get him involved NOW.

[Kristin]

Also a late comment, but I think what is most important is a healthy body and mind, not being a football star, hoceky hero or even Steven Spielberg. I think we all fall into the trap that our child must be the very best,the top of their game and that is unfortunate. We should instead set out to "be all that we can be." Set goals, challenges and high (but obtainable) expectations. Achievement and recognition for our achievements is so gratiffying and builds self confidence and makes us want to achieve more.
My child also doesn't like sports and feels lonely on the recess playground and it hurts me to see him so sad about this. I am trying to help him build self esteem through encouraging him to do the things he does like and providing him to opportuinties to do these things, but it is hard and I feel for you and him. My son is looking for friends too and he'll find them...it is just not easy.