When Harry Ditched Sally: Parenting During Divorce

Family Friday

While the marriages of John and Elizabeth Edwards, Mark and Jenny Sanford, and Tiger and Elin Woods have flamed out in a most spectacular and public fashion, most divorces I have witnessed (among both clients and friends) have produced far less drama.  Nevertheless, debate rages over the lasting effects on the children of such dissolved unions. 

In your mid and late twenties, weddings seemed to occur every other weekend; once you hit your thirties, everyone started having babies.  If you're pushing forty or beyond now, a substantial number of your peers are likely divorcing now.  Perhaps you are considering divorce, or in the process of it, and wondering how this will affect your kids.

In answer to the question "Does Divorce Harm the Children?" my therapist-answer is annoyingly equivocal:  It depends.  It depends on the precursors and circumstances; it depends on the psychological state of both parents before and after the divorce; it depends on the continued financial stability (or lack thereof) of both parents.  All these variables ensure that no blanket statement about divorce and children will suffice. 

In my opinion, it's not divorce itself that harms children; rather, it is all the unpleasant baggage that often accompanies it.  But such baggage can accumulate regardless of whether or not a couple actually divorces. 

Here is an example:  After a divorce, many people feel like a failure.  Feeling like a failure causes you to second-guess your own judgment as a parent.  Your kids sense this, act up, and generally take advantage of the situation.  Your confidence and self-esteem then erode as your self-fulfilling prophecy comes true.   This decrease in confidence and self-esteem is but one example of "baggage."

However, if you are married to someone who constantly engages in verbal put-downs, this also takes a toll on your confidence and self-esteem, resulting in "baggage" and affecting your parenting.  In some cases, for some individuals, a divorce may actually result in increased confidence and self-esteem - and better parenting.  

Cause-and-effect assumptions are tricky - here is one that puzzles me.  Regarding Elin Woods' alleged reluctance to divorce Tiger, a friend commented:  "She wants a solid family life.  She was a child of divorce and felt her dad slighted her."  I don't get it.  Would she have felt less slighted if her parents had remained married?

Here is another example of divorce "baggage": one parent denigrating the other to the children.  But again, this can occur regardless of parental marital status.  I believe that divorce may increase the frequency and intensity of other-parent-bashing, in part due to the zero-sum, adversarial paradigm in which divorce attorneys often operate.  I've known quite a few couples who entered the divorce process fairly amicably, only to emerge from it as snarling enemies.

Feelings of animosity toward your soon-to-be-ex-spouse are understandable, especially if there was some deception that precipitated the breakup (like a secret love-child or a clandestine trip to Argentina).  Therapist advice:

• Vent to friends, your mother, or a therapist, not to your children. Your ex is literally a part of your children, so when you put him or her down, it will likely feel to your children, on some level at least, that you are insulting them as well.
• Consider using a mediator when divorcing and settling financial and custody arrangements. A mediator can help create a more interdependent and collaborative environment than tends to flourish otherwise.
• If you were close enough to your ex to conceive (or adopt) children together, surely he or she has some good qualities that you want your children to emulate. Emphasize those when discussing your ex with your kids. As they mature, your kids will figure out the bad qualities on their own, without help from you. (One caveat: if there is physical or sexual abuse involved, or if you have discovered that your ex is a violent sociopath, your children's safety trumps anything else).
• Finally, remember that the only person's behavior you can truly control is your own. If your ex has regressed to adolescence, take the high road, and ten or twenty years down the pike, your kids will remember who truly had their interests at heart.

Comments

[Tracey A. Bloodsaw, Esq.]

I always encourage my clients to seek psychological help for them and their children, either during or after the divorce. It's amazing how many parents neglect the emotional affect of divorce on their children.

[Keyuri Joshi]

Thank you for your perspectives. I couldn't agree more with several of the suggestions you made for divorcing parents to minimize "baggage" and take the high road as much as possible. I fear, however that even in the best case scenario where baggage might be fully eliminated, that we are forgetting that children are emotional beings with a full range of emotions that they don't necessarily have the bilogic development to comprehend and process. Remember that parents can be loving but not necessarily effective in helping their child's emotional health (or emotional and social intelligence. I'd encourage all divorcing parents to pay particular attention to this aspect of their child. Help them understand and process guilt (many kids blame themselves), anger, fear of judgement or peer ridicule... etc. Let's make this more about the kids and less about the parents.

[Pam]

As a child therapist I work with many families who are dealing with divorce. Sometimes the divorce happened several years ago but the children are just now displaying problematic behaviors. I remind parents that they need to be mindful of the fact that their children will revisit the divorce and what it means as they reach developmental milestones.

[Karen Paul-Stern]

As a child of a bitter divorce in the 70s, I watch my friends' divorces today (mercifully few so far) and believe that the attention they pay to their children's emotional health can only be for the good. When my parents separated (and in my unusual case, my mother left us and was not truly a part of my life for about 6 years)my parents retreated into their pain and my sister and I were left to flail in the wind and fend for ourselves. Divorce was secretive and ugly, and all the adults in our lives (including family) simply slipped away from the sidelines. Today, although I am not a proponent of fully child-centric family life, I do believe that an emphasis on the children's mental health and stability seems to take precedence, and I see my friends ensuring that through mediation and thoughtful planning in their separations and divorces. And for that, I am extraordinarily grateful.

[Jaytography]

Divorce its just so hard for the kids. when my parents separated, I was so doomed and very disappointed. But I just have to accept things as they are meant to happen. Good thing I got this planner/organizer from co-Parenting-Manager (http://4help.to/plan) which really helped me cope up with the situation. Their website is also perfect for parents and kids who are experiencing the dilemma of divorce.

[Fix Your Marriage]

When my first husband and I divorced, we spent some time discussing what the best approach would be to tell our children (we have 3 sons). We sat down together with all 3 boys, at home, told them that we were divorcing and that it was not anything that they had done. It is between us. We then explained that the "family" would be exactly the same except that their dad wouldn't be living at home. When one parent set expectations or rules down, the other parent would not overturn it and vice versa. It's been almost 8 years, our boys are full grown, however, we still abide by the rules we set down all those years ago.

Our sons are well adjusted and still spend time with both of us. We still have family get togethers, we just add in the two new spouses. It works for us and it helped our children go through an experience relatively unscathed.

Even when adults are going through tough times, we must always strive to put the mental and physical well being of our children first. Putting them in the middle NEVER works!

[Greg Cynaumon]

Yeah, it really depends..I know couple - a close friend of mine - who have been divorced for years yet their children appear to be unaffected..this could be because they are still friends despite of tearing the marriage apart.

[Greg Cynaumon]

This topic is still one of the hottest issues in the U.S - many are divorcing...too bad to comprehend that divorce seems to have become a way of life to some individuals..

[advice for divorce]

I was 8 when my parents split. Now, unfortunately I am going through a divorce myself. I am determined to be civil for the sake of my kids. I don't want a messy divorce like I remember my parents having.