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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

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Karen Paul-Stern

Stacy - as always, your thoughts resonate with me.

I vacillate between loving being home with my kids in the afternoons (and having chauffeuring, playdate and other house-related duties) and having it all make me want to stick pins in my eyeballs from the tedium. No doubt, I have the best of both worlds. I have grownup days (that are on my own terms and schedule as a consultant) where I work, get paid, get positive feedback and get to have lunch, and then I get to oversee my kids' after school lives and be a part of that too.

But there are still sacrifices, including taking myself off the roster for big, well-paying, visible, senior jobs in my field, as well as the stress of balancing nighttime meetings with clients with bowls of spaghetti for the 4th night in a row. As a consultant, I am supposed to make every client feel like they are my only charge, and my kids feel that way by default. I get pulled in many different directions in a day.

Still, there is no doubt that being a mom who works makes me a better and happier partner to my husband, when I eventually get around to his needs, which sadly, often fall much lower on the daily list.

Katherine

This is a fascinating set of articles and studies. Thanks for writing about them -- it's definitely contrary to the research that I've seen cited about traditional gender role marriages having less stress. As a working mom, I definitely think my marriage is better for having a rich professional life that fulfills me.

Also, I have to take issue with the "my so-called wife" piece you cite. She's describing a terrible marriage, in my opinion, not a fantasy. The wife glazes over during the husband's monologue about his day - and the sex afterwards? Who wants that?? I wouldn't want to be either partner in that supposed idyllic picture.

I want (and have) a life partner who actually cares what I have to say, who carries an equal load at home and on the breadwinning front, and it's absolutely mutual.

Kate Ashford @ HerTwoCents

I completely agree with you. At a certain point (as I have more children), the cost of childcare is probably going to eclipse my salary, but the cost of not working is my sanity and the equal footing my marriage currently enjoys. If I didn't work, I know I'd feel less able to ask for help with the household things and less fulfilled because I wouldn't be doing what I really want to do. Nobody wins in that equation. Great post.

Katrina

This article is such a lie I love how they try to lie to the American women I have never been happier since I quit my horrible job. As a matter of fact I have always hated every single one of my 'jobs' that when my husbands business finally took off and he played the breadwinner leadership role I was able to finally stay home clean house, cook, sleep in if I want, go shopping when I feel like it, go get my nails done, go have lunch with the girls, and just be a spoiled trophy wife. I don't know what I was thinking when I wasted all those years of my youth going to college just so that I can get a job where I have to 'follow rules' SCREW THAT! I can see how dumb and stupid I was when I was in my 20's and society sold me that BS about being a happy fullfilled woman meant having a career and family to jugle the saddest part is that I believed it! They were pissing in my leg and telling me it was raining and like a fool I believed it!

You know what happened? By the time I was 33 I was burned out my house was in shambles I was tired all the time I coulnd't manage my home and work life my husband was frustrated that the house looked like a hurricane went through it I was even too tired to cook dinner or have sex! NO THANKS! I will stay home instead if it means this much misery!

The thing I regret the most is how I had missed out on raising my child and that was my job not some baby sitters job what I regret the most was not being there to raise my daughter but at least now that she is in her teens I am making up for this loss. I don't regret quitting my job and living in domestic bliss and I been happy like this for a couple years now I don't see me getting bored or anything stupid like that there is so much to do at the house and so much to manage I don't understand why some women say that they go nuts if they stay at home I guess they're just still duped on that BS they sold us about a marriage being happier when the woman works outside the home. Just keep lying to yourselves.

Stacy

Katrina, I'm not sure if you're for real or if this is some sort of put-on, but if this is really your view, I think your line about wanting to be a "spoiled trophy wife" says it all. There are a lot of us who want way more for ourselves and our children than some sort of vacuous existence. (That's true whether we work outside the home or not. There are many woman who don't hold outside jobs who make important contributions to their communities and society at large through volunteer activities.) I'm sorry you're so angry but I don't think we're the ones fooling oursevles.

Relationships by XR Jax

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