Is Your Husband a Partner or a Vice-Chair?

Fatherhood Friday

After my last entry, another dad commented that while today's dads are expected to (and want to) be full-fledged partners, many wives often view their own way of doing things as the only correct way. The implication is that it's not so easy to be a partner when your wife has a different perspective on what your role as a partner means. I think this is a great point that should be explored by husbands and wives, ideally together.

In my experience and conversations with friends, he is correct - moms want "partners", but certain things need to be done their way - making lunches, doing laundry, dressing the kids. It can be frustrating - or even worse, make me feel like a supporting cast member - to hear that its just easier for mom to do it herself if I won't do it her way. 

For what its worth, the wife of the  dad who wrote the original comment works full time and they are both trying to navigate the working parent balancing act. I asked another dad whose wife is home full time with the kids (none of whom are school age) and he was less bothered by the fact that things had to be done his wife's way. As far as he's concerned, she does that stuff full time and he's deferring to her expertise.

At the same time, dads have to be honest with themselves. Are we truly seeking equal partnership in all activities or are we content being guided by our wives, at least in some areas? I admit, while I want to be an "equal" partner I'm also at times content to let my wife "lead" me in certain areas. I don't mind making lunches, but I do want her to use her "expertise" and suggest what I should put in it!  As much as I want her to accept and support my desire to be an equal partner, if I'm being honest with myself I need to reconcile just what being an equal partner means to me.

Because we both work full time, we half-jokingly apply a model from work to our home life. Having both worked and volunteered in various organizations, we are comfortable using a committee model. For example, she's the chair of lunch-making, clothes purchasing and weekend sports league activities. On each of those I am, respectively, vice-chair in good standing, member (maybe even honorary member) and co-chair.

At the same time there are committees I chair where her standing varies (I don't think she's on the automobile committee, while she's definitely vice-chair of the finance committee.)

So long as we're on the same page about what role each of us plays on the various committees (and we aren't always on the same page) things go smoothly. But even when we are, there are definitely times when I get frustrated if my wife simply wants to direct me. As much as I need to ask her to back off, I probably should ask myself just what kind of role I want to play on that committee - and not just at that moment.

Comments

[Brian Lewis]

I really appreciate that you raised these issues. Recognizing them is very important. Addressing them is really key. How you accomplish all that is up for grabs. Good luck us!