Michael Jackson and His Face: Lessons for Parents

Family Friday

The media extravaganza surrounding Michael Jackson's untimely death has, predictably, prompted some criticism, i.e., Why the hell are we – and the media – spending so much time on Michael Jackson when countries are imploding, the economy is tanking, and soldiers are dying? 

The answer:  Michael Jackson stories draw eyeballs, and the media know this.  For decades, Michael Jackson (like many celebrities) has exerted a powerful and emotionally significant influence on countless dreams and fantasies. 

In the 1970s, Michael's talent far outshone that of his older siblings, providing inspiration for youngest-kids everywhere.  Millions envied the tight-knit, telegenic Jackson family and its adorable centerpiece.  Would-be stars emulated Michael's phenomenal voice and dreamed of similar success.

In the 1980s, starting with Off the Wall, Michael Jackson evolved into heartthrob status, adorning myriad bedroom posters.  Courtesy of Thriller, he soundtracked many a middle school mixer.  Would-be dancers copied his moves, usually in wretched fashion.  Parents (including my mother!) cited Michael Jackson as a fine role model, with his squeaky-clean image and drug-free persona. 

We all know what happened next.  Originally a nice-looking man, Michael somehow morphed into something kind of…alien.  Along with his changing appearance came increased rumors of strange behavior (most of which I won’t touch right now, even with a sequined glove).

What happened?  Part of the answer, I believe, is that Michael-Jackson-the-reality collided with the Michael-Jackson-fantasy that the public so adored - and Michael himself never recovered.

As an example: in a 2002 interview, Michael Jackson spoke with obvious pain about his adolescence, which for him was accompanied by acne and awkwardness.  Strangers would approach him in public and say things like "God, what happened to you?  You used to be so cute!"  He also noted that his father used to mock his appearance, especially the width of his nose. 

Michael Jackson's celebrity status seemed to bestow a feeling of ownership upon some of the public.  His changing looks encroached upon people's fantasies of him, resulting in perfect strangers feeling free to criticize his appearance.

It is fairly clear to me that Michael Jackson suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).  More common than people think, BDD involves obsession with a perceived flaw in one's body, often on the face (skin, nose, etc.)  A minor or non-existent flaw in one's appearance becomes all-consuming, even though the sufferer recognizes on a certain level that this is irrational.  As a result, people with BDD often avoid socializing or dating due to their worries that everyone is noticing and laughing at their flaws. 

As a therapist, I once worked with a very bright and attractive female client who was preoccupied with a miniscule scar on her nose, one that was completely invisible with makeup and hardly noticeable without it.  Although this sounds trivial, she had a difficult time going to class or dating due to her fears.

This young woman – like most people – did not have the resources to attack the perceived flaw with plastic surgery.  Michael Jackson, unfortunately, did.  And if anyone told him that his surgeries were not enhancing his appearance, he obviously didn't listen.

Adolescence may have been painful and difficult for his siblings as well (as it is for many), but Michael may have been particularly vulnerable to its cruelty.  Some people have a biological or hard-wired predisposition to ruminate or obsess, which can result in conditions such as anxiety, depression, or BDD.  While most people can fairly quickly filter out negativity and move on, for others, negative thoughts seem to become "trapped," spinning around in the brain in a never-ending loop.

So what does all of this have to do with you, as a parent?  I've presented Michael Jackson as an extreme example writ large, someone who represented a fantasy to millions of fans.  On an admittedly smaller scale, children occupy a significant part of their parents' fantasies and dreams.  For parents all over the world, children often represent their unrealized dreams – of stardom, wealth, beauty, athleticism, academic prowess, leadership, fame, fortune...

So the lesson here is this: there will come a time (if it hasn't occurred already) when reality crashes hard into your parental fantasies, so you need to anticipate now how you will handle this.  As an example – I was talking with a group of friends the other night, and one of them mentioned that boys get "smelly" when they hit their teen years.  I then formed a mental image of my adorable and sweet eight-year-old son getting smelly and sprouting acne – and this provoked an involuntary gasp.  That image, however, is prodding me to prepare for the inevitable.

Points to ponder:

* If your child wants to be a star, consider Michael Jackson's experience for a moment.  Would you have wanted your adolescent flaws internationally broadcast, on a very large screen?  From a psychological perspective, might Michael Jackson have been better off waiting for adulthood to share his talent with the world?

* Differentiate between your own dreams and your child's.

* Do not ever make disparaging comments about your child's appearance.

* If anyone else criticizes your child’s appearance, tell them in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable.  I don't care if this is your Great-Aunt Matilda – reaching an advanced age does not give someone carte blanche to insult others.  If you remain silent, your child may assume you agree with the comment, or condone this type of behavior.

* If your child exhibits signs of BDD or any other anxiety or depression, cognitive-behavioral therapy, possibly combined with medication, can be very helpful.

By Jenny Douglas Vidas

Comments

[Katherine]

RIP Michael Jackson. We lost you long ago, but now it's official. What a thoughtful and sensitive post. Unlike the "smelly" comment! Sorry about that...

[Rizza@Beverly Hills Plastic Surgeon]

a good thought of sharing your idea, i agree that condoning the criticism might make your think that there is really something different in his/her appearance. that is why you should do this at his early age rather than let the child carry the fear of the criticism that might be triggered in his adolescence.

Rizz

[sex stereotypes]

So sad for the lost of MJ, he was an amazing artist, but lets face it, he looks awful with all that surgery he did to himself, He went too far with that. Great post by the way.