Family Friday
by Jenny Douglas Vidas
When I was pregnant with my first child, someone warned me that I would never view the news in the same way again. Every tragic news story you hear, I was told, will punch you in the gut.
Was this ever true! Before having kids, I felt fairly distanced from misfortune and despair. But now, reading or hearing about someone's tragic death elicits a dizzy, sick feeling, similar to what happens when looking over a railing at the Grand Canyon. As I envision the scenario, the faces of the children involved typically morph into those of my own children. If the tragedy involves children losing a parent, I imagine my own children growing up without me.
Actress Natasha Richardson's tragic death earlier this week has sparked these feelings in me. Richardson, wife of Liam Neeson and daughter of acting legend Vanessa Redgrave, was on a skiing trip with her children when she suddenly fell and hit her head. She seemed fine at first, but two days later she died of her injuries.
Richardson was not intoxicated, showing off, or engaging in the recklessness typical of the Celebrities-Gone-Wild featured in the media. She was with her children, on a beginner's slope, in the middle of a lesson. The autopsy confirmed she died of blunt force trauma, with no pre-existing health conditions contributing.
The few times I have skiied, I failed to progress past the beginners' slopes. I never mastered stopping, so I just made myself fall down when necessary. My clumsiness never killed or even injured me - I simply looked foolish. My husband and seven-year-old son went skiing a few weeks ago, emerging completely unscathed (except for my husband's toenails turning purple for no apparent reason). What happened to Natasha Richardson could just as easily have happened to one of us - but it didn't.
Life involves so much uncertainty, and we typically deceive ourselves into thinking otherwise. As I've mentioned before, as little control as you may have over your own fate, you have even less over your children's. For parents, the combination of uncertainty and lack of control frequently leads to anxiety.
As a parent, a certain level of anxiety is normal, expected, and even adaptive. Last night, I shuddered more than usual as my kids darted around our cul-de-sac on their scooters and tricycles. I screeched "CAAAARRR!!" whenever a car pulled into the street or started up in a driveway. Other than that, I restrained myself from hovering too closely.
One of my neighbors, however, gasps with practically every step her child takes, as she is so afraid of her getting hurt. As the little girl has gotten older, she seems to be ignoring her mother more and more. This indicates to me that if you overreact to anxiety, your children may not take you seriously, even when the situation is truly dangerous.
If you are finding that you cannot enjoy time with your children - or time away from your children - due to excessive anxiety, this may indicate that you have a problem. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, sometimes combined with medication, can be extremely helpful.
Before trying therapy for excessive anxiety, however, consider cutting down on your media consumption. Remember that the newspaper and television news feature incidents that are rare. Commonplace events rarely make it to the media. For instance, of the thousands of people who ski every winter, very few of them are seriously injured.
But of course, such statistics are little comfort to Natasha Richardson's family now. My heart truly breaks for them.
This blog post rings so true with me. I used to like thrillers and horror movies, but since becoming a parent I can't watch anything involving a missing child (up to teenagers) or it makes me too anxious. I definitely want my children to grow up confident and able to take (reasonable) risks. Your observation about the mom who hovers nervously could also go the other way -- the child could internalize her mom's anxiety and conclude "I'm in danger all the time" or "I'm not competent and likely to fail". Neither a message we want to send our kids!
Posted by: Katherine | Sunday, March 22, 2009 at 10:50 PM