By Katherine Reynolds Lewis
I never doubted that I would work outside the home after having children. My mother worked, both my grandmothers worked and when my first baby was born I had my dream job -- national correspondent for a large chain of daily newspapers.
So I've been surprised to experience my desire to work wax and wane over the last five years. At times I questioned whether I'd be happier as a stay-at-home mom and I cried during my commute to the office. During other periods, I couldn't wait for someone else to take over child care so I could put ideas in print that were burning a hole through my brain.
After giving birth to my first baby, I was eager for maternity leave to end. I'd never changed a diaper before my daughter's, and six months of 24-7 baby care left me feel merely competent. Sure, I was sad the first few days leaving my darling child at daycare. But once I saw how loving and expert her caregivers were, I leapt back into my old world with a sigh of relief.
Then came the second baby. By now, I'd gotten the hang of this mommy thing. I had a system for laundry and baby clothes; I had lots of other mom friends to commiserate with; and most importantly, I could get a tired baby to sleep in 5 minutes. I loved every moment of my second maternity leave, and when it ended, I pitched my boss on a part-time work schedule. To my surprise and delight, she said yes.
The part-time schedule worked like a dream. I had enough time at work to keep my standing as the correspondent whose articles appeared at the highest rate in the chain's newspapers. But I could also chaperone field trips and volunteer at the girls' daycare center. My job was pretty independent, so I scheduled work around pediatrician's appointments and made up the time in the evenings. My supervisor remained supportive and understanding of my parenting obligations. I think she knew my pre-baby work ethic would carry through, and she trusted that I'd always fulfill my work commitments. I also promised to revisit the arrangement if it didn't seem to be working out.
I felt it was too good to last, so naturally, it didn't. The company closed the bureau I worked in, and I was faced with the choice of taking a new, full-time job or carving out a career as a self-employed writer and editor. I decided to go it alone, thinking that would be more flexible. (I felt vindicated by Tina Brown's recent declaration that we live in a gig economy.)
To my shock, I turned out to be the most demanding boss that I've ever had. As a freelance writer and entrepreneur, I can't wait to get to work in the morning and I return to my laptop after the kids are in bed. For the first time ever, I've had to set rules to keep my work from intruding into every aspect of my life. (Such as, I will not bring my laptop on dates with my husband. And I'll spend at least one full weekend day with my family.)
What's the lesson? I'm only a few months into this new life, but I've learned that you never can tell what you really want until you're in the thick of it. When faced with a seemingly all-or-nothing choice, bear in mind that things change. The motivations that go into a decision may not end up being the reasons you're happy -- or unhappy -- with the result.
And above all, trust your own instincts and listen to your family's needs. If a work-family situation doesn't seem to be working, have the courage to change it.
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