Just Say No! to Volunteer Burnout

Family Friday

by Jenny Douglas Vidas

Who could forget Nancy Reagan's advice to us 1980s teenagers?  Of course I am referring to the ubiquitous but much-maligned "Just Say No!" anti-drug campaign. 

Although I have scoffed at this simplistic advice in the past, I increasingly find myself using this phrase with clients whose volunteer commitments are impinging on their ability to parent and to take care of themselves.  In short, maintaining a healthy work-life balance requires the ability to say no. 

Many working parents invest enormous volunteer effort in community organizations, places of worship, PTA, and children's sports teams and other activities.  I would never suggest an end to such volunteering - imagine the chaos that would result!   However, a more judicious expenditure of our efforts can improve our emotional and physical health.     

In my experience, three irrational beliefs lead to overcommitment and burnout among working parents who volunteer: 

Fear of hurting someone's feelings or being disliked.  This one is especially common in women, who are typically socialized to care deeply about people's feelings.  Fact: if someone dislikes you or is offended because you said no to a request, is this a friendship you want to maintain?

Needing to feel indispensable.  I see this one in men as well as women.  My husband, for instance, finds it very difficult to say no to our church's requests for his time.  His rationale:  If I don't do it, whoever does will screw it up royally.  Fact: None of us is irreplaceable.  If we say no to something, the universe will just have to muddle through somehow.   (A side note: my husband said that I could use him as an example, but only if I point out that he has indeed improved in this area).

Feeling guilty.   I know a woman who has a very demanding career and two young children, yet serves on or leads five (five!) different committees at her religious organization.  If she says no to the committees, she feels guilty about letting her community down; however, when serving on the committees, she feels guilty about spending time away from her children.  Fact: You cannot please everyone!  No matter what you do, someone will be disappointed.    

Here are some tools I recommend to my clients:

Self-evaluation.  Re-evaluate how you spend your time, and force yourself to prioritize.  Choose the issues or organizations about which you feel most passionate, and let the others go.  Before you commit to something, ask yourself if you are motivated by fear of hurting feelings, desire to feel indispensable, or guilt.  If the answer is yes, then reconsider your commitment.  

Caller ID.  Use it!  Before answering the phone, note who is calling, then make an educated guess about what the caller might ask you to do.  If unsure, let the call go to voice mail.  This way you will have some time to process the request, instead of making a hasty commitment that you will regret later. 

Practice phrases such as "I'm not comfortable with committing to that."  By saying this, you are simply stating your limitations, not judging the worth of the organization or the person making the request. 

Comments

[Katherine]

I am a recovering volunteer-aholic. My children's daycare center has been the main beneficiary. Last year the daycare fundraiser I ran raised $25,000 so this year they asked me to chair it again. Remembering how exhausting and time-consuming it was, and how much it took me away from my family, I declined. I was SO proud of myself -- I think it's the first time I was able to say no to a direct volunteer request without feeling enormously guilty afterwards. (I did feel slightly guilty, though.)