Is Equal Parenting a Myth?

By Katherine Reynolds Lewis

I was raised by two feminists. My mother earned a CPA and MBA in her 30s and launched a hard-core career in university administration. My college professor dad had a more flexible schedule and did much of the hands-on child care during my grade-school years. He moved twice in order to support my mom's career advancement. Their marriage served as my model of gender equality.

When I got married, I assumed that my husband and I would be completely equal and take different household roles interchangeably. It hasn't worked out exactly that way. If anything, having children has convinced me that the equivalence of men and women is a myth.

That's not to say our household runs along gender lines. It's more a mix of traditional and reversed roles. I'm in charge of the finances, scheduling and children's clothes. He does the cooking and arranges car repairs. We take turns with dishes, shopping and the kids' bedtimes.

Even though my husband makes a lot more money than I do, our careers are equally important. When we have a sick child, we look through our schedules to see who can most easily take time away from work. Perhaps we've just been lucky, but there's never been a day we couldn't manage. The tally of sick days ends up roughly equal. Recently, my work obligations have increased dramatically, and he has taken over more than half the child care without a complaint.

But even though we share tasks roughly equally, it's clear to me that Mommy and Daddy are not equal. When my kids are sick or scared, they want Mommy. (And I want to be there to comfort them.) When they're looking for a playmate or partner in crime, they seek out Daddy. I worry about physical and emotional health, while he takes the view that a few bumps and scrapes are good for them. And thank goodness he's willing to be the disciplinarian, since I am a real softie.

In the end, the kids are better for having both parental influences. If I were their only parent, they'd probably end up neurotic shut-ins with no boundaries. If he were calling all the shots, they'd bathe once a week and who knows what they'd wear!

So while both parents are necessary for the children to grow up in a balanced way, I don't think you can call our impact equal. My message to my daughters is thus more nuanced than the one I received growing up: their gender shouldn't hold them back from achieving anything they can dream. But women aren't the same as men in many ways, and they should enjoy the differences that make them uniquely female.

How do gender roles influence your family? And how are you handling things compared to previous generations? I'm especially interested in hearing from same-gender parents about the different roles they assume.

Comments

[Lyn Millett]

"the equivalence of men and women is a myth."

What does "equivalence" here mean? That equal rights are not possible? That men and women shouldn't be afforded equal opportunities in all domains (save childbearing)? That our society is structured to make it difficult to build a true partnership?

I think the term "equivalence" is a strawman. Equal does not mean 'the same', after all. Thinking in terms of justice and equity is probably more productive. Are men and women not equally deserving of justice and fairness? Should we not strive to demonstrate equitable, fair, and compassionate behavior that avoids overly-constraining roles based solely on gender in our households?