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Friendship Wars

Therapy Tuesday
Photo by: burgenschenker [ in slow motion ]

It starts off young. The moniker of "best friend." My 4-year-old is not immune to this, and while he has a stable "best friend," it can be hard to keep track of others that temporarily wear the label. At this early age, friendship is relatively simple: it is declared, and then honored by playing together during recess.

Sometime, around fourth or fifth grade, friendships change. There is an awareness of this concept called "popularity" and that begins to shift friend allegiances. Popularity, as we adults know, it something that is not ever real. I'm not speaking from insider information, but from what I've seen, those that are popular never feel comfortable with that status, as by its very nature, it can be fleeting. It is more a state of maintaining popularity rather than "being" popular.

Back to my 4-year-old, as he defines friendships as those that listen to him (and conversely do what he says) and those that don't. I overheard him playing with a friend recently, and he was instructing his friend around the rules of the game that he was making up. (The same rules would inevitably shift when the outcome wasn't what my son had in mind). I pulled him over and suggested that perhaps his friend might want to suggest a game for them to play. Without missing a beat, he said, "Hey, Ben, you should have us play a game that is like this..." And he proceeded to give detailed instructions.

I recently was talking to a parent who has a middle school aged daughter struggling with friendships. At this age, gossip is a powerful tool, as it can change relationships instantly. With the advent of texting and the internet, such news can be spread faster than one can imagine. The parent's struggle was with how involved should she be? Should she let the other parents know that her daughter has been advised to stay away from their girls? Is the onus on her daughter to set those boundaries?

As we age, friendships become more tricky, with more at stake. Friends contribute to our sense of happiness and well-being.

 

Thank Goodness for Small Favors: Crustless Spinach Cheese Pie

Meal Monday

I look back fondly at the "Terrible 2s." I think that is because my triplets are in the "Thoroughly Frustrating 3s."

The kids are coming into their own, which is great…in theory. In reality, it is a battle of wills in our house…on three fronts.

Parenting our crew is more exhausting than ever. I can say that with confidence as I have blocked all memories of their infancy. At the end of the day, pretty much all I can do is make dinner and collapse.

So when we have people over for brunch on Sunday morning, preparation begins on Sunday morning. That's why this Crustless Spinach Cheese Pie is a go-to recipe for me.

Political Lessons

Truth Thursday

(This post was written prior to the recent Susan G. Komen/Planned Parenthood debacle. I have since made a sizable contribution to Planned Parenthood, grateful for the reminder, by fellow blogger and Stirrup Queen, Melissa Ford, that it is important to support services instead of a quasi-philanthropic effort.)

A couple of weeks ago as my daughter and I were on a mundane errand, we drove past a large group of mostly young people streaming out of the metro and walking together towards the downtown area nearby. I couldn’t tell at first what was uniting them, except that they all seemed to be wearing orange scarves. And then I saw one of their placards.

“I’m pro-life and I’m proud.”

This was one of those car moments you read about in parenting manuals – when you are driving with your eyes on the road and you need to open a provocative yet important and potentially embarrassing topic with your child. Being behind the wheel so they don’t have to look you in the eye is the best possible place to start these conversations, I have now learned.

My 12-year-old daughter asked who these people were and why were they carrying signs?

I generally try very hard, when talking about big issues in the world, to offer a relatively neutral position so that my children can hear what are presumably the facts and try to make up their own minds about the topic at hand.

(The exception being the very basic birds and bees of politics – Democrats v. Republicans. My children know that they are simply never, ever allowed to become Republicans. They can become religious, they can come out, they can basically make any decision they want about how they choose to live their lives. But they cannot become Republican. No amount of funny Michael J. Fox as Alex Keaton will change my mind about this.)

Anyway, my daughter was probably preparing herself for another one of mom’s pablum-like homilies.

Not this time.

Bonjour Bébé: How French Parenting Practices Benefit Working Moms (and their Kids)

Work Wednesday

Globalization is the trend of this millennium so it's not surprising that it's taken over the parenting book industry.

Last winter, the Wall Street Journal sparked an online controversy by publishing an excerpt from Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which extolled a hardcore Chinese-style academically-focused approach to parenting, under the headline, "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior."

Now, the Journal's turned West for inspiration, publishing an excerpt from Pamela Druckerman's Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, under the headline, "Why French Parents are Superior."  Druckerman's book promotes French parenting practices, which, as The New York Times puts it, teach you how to "raise the perfect children produced by [Chua] without the fuss of having to chain them to the piano or throw them out of the house."

Bébé just arrived in America yesterday, so I haven't read it all yet. (There's also a U.K. version, French Children Don’t Throw Food: Parenting Secrets From Paris, published last month.) But based on first impressions, I think I'm going to love Druckerman's memoir as much as I loathed Chua's message.

It's not that I'm enthralled by Druckerman's writing, although so far the book seems funny, balanced, and self-aware. And it's not that her advice is a complete revelation. (You can find a good summary of the top ten tips we're supposed to learn from Bébé here.) Much of it - relax, let your baby cry a little, teach your kids how to wait, act with authority - seems like cross-cultural common sense. (I do have to admit, though, that I can't imagine how I'd ever enforce the one snack (at 4:00 p.m.?) rule with my constantly-grazing five-year-old son.)

The real reason I'm looking forward to reading Bébé is that Druckerman's main point - that the French are better parents because they are less obsessive about parenting - seems positive for working moms.  As Druckerman explains, the "French have managed to be involved with their families without becoming obsessive. They assume that even good parents aren't at the constant service of their children, and that there is no need to feel guilty about this." It's this lack of guilt (or at least lessened guilt) that seems to set French parents apart from American parents. And that, Druckerman contends, is good for moms, kids, and family life as a whole.

Things I Love About the Internet - Part 2

Tech Tuesday

Used to be getting information was hard work. You had to engage other humans in conversation or get yourself to the nearest library or book store and sort through volume after volume of tedious books full of small print and big words.

BOR-ING!

Thankfully, we now have the internet. Sure, you still have to do some searching, but nothing like the days of old. Smarter folks than I have seen to that.

Need to research plant biology? Have a yearning to learn about medieval society? Wonder how whales get the water out of their handy blow hole?

Travel no further than the internet.